I was not a lion, but it fell to me to give a lion’s roar.
You needs, wants and desires matter. They should matter to you. They should matter to your partner. They should matter to society. If your needs, wants and desires don’t matter, the message is you don’t matter. If that is the case, that needs to change (period) and it needs to start now!
A modern evolutionary fitness test…
We cannot expect un-expressed needs to be accurately fulfilled, if we don’t communicate them. When important relationship emotional needs go unrecognized, are continuously ignored or devalued, emotional distress and relationship problems result, often taking the form of communication breakdowns and emotional disconnection leading to the whole calamity of relationship breakdown and failure. Not having the balls to speak up, especially to yourself about your needs, wants and desires is an evolutionary failure. You simply are not at a basic level providing for yourself… What society, woman or child can expect you to “Man-Up!” to them, your responsibilities, or promises, if you first cannot “Man-Up!” to yourself?
A lion’s roar
We must take responsibility for ensuring our needs, wants and desires are not jut communicated, but interpreted in the manner we intend.
Be aware of your objective
Understand what it is that you’re trying to actually accomplish. What is the purpose of the communication? For example, it is foolish to focus on behavior tasks (closing of cabinet cupboards doors) if the real purpose of the communication is really about respect and consideration (a respect for your shared living environment and unmet expectations of personal behaviors while living together).
Be honest about your own needs
If we are not clear or honest about our needs when we are communicating, the message will get lost. Much like the mail, we need to accurately address the intended destination to have our message delivered properly. Without a doubt, at times this will be very difficult emotionally to initiate, but it is incredibly important to have the personal courage, conviction and respect of yourself to enact.
Communicate in the positive
Requests framed in the negative; e.g. “don’t do…” sets a negative tone, doesn’t inspire change, and repeated often enough it becomes debilitating to the health of the relationship. For instance, If you’re trying to get your partner to change their sexual performance, instead of saying “Baby, don’t use your teeth!”, it’s vastly better received if you state “Baby, remember to use your tongue!”. You can capitalize on this emotional momentum by showing displays of gratitude, which are appropriate rewards and powerful motivators to further promote desired change.
Speaking of displays of gratitude and powerful motivators to promote change (this is for all my female readers); random, frequent and gratuitous acts of oral sex is the male equilivant of giving a woman flowers… we can never get enough of them, it tells us we’re special to you and we love the women who do so. It cost so little, but means so much and goes so far! Do take note and let me know your results.
Often we cannot be certain how of if our message is being received. During these times, particularly if the message is critical, it is advisable to get feedback or confirmation of the message. A simple question like, “ Can you tell me what you think I meant by what I said” clarifies any ambiguity and provides valuable clues as to how your message was received and interpreted.
In holding an emotional needs conversation, it is crucial to remember that this is about the relationship, as much as it is about your needs and as such we need to take into account how this newly expressed information is received by our partner. Asking a sincere and genuinely intent question, something like, “how does what I said make you feel?” goes a long way in securing the safety and emotional security bond the two of you share. Intimacy isn’t just about the fucking… where the emotions go, so too does the sexuality… preserve both by safeguarding them.