Picture of couple holding hands


So much of the men’s community is so focused on the male biological prerogative (picking up and fucking women) and to a degree on inner personal development, that it blindly shuns the notion of men’s desires and needs emotionally to be in relationships. This is a gross error, but one that is understandable when viewed with the prismatic lens of men’s movement history- which has too often been forced underground and yet proudly trumpets its anti-cultural/social underpinnings.

The reality is that for most men, they desperately want, need and desire to be in a committed relationship, with a woman of their choice, but unfortunately completely lack the knowledge, resources and abilities to do much about it. To make matters worse society and women are not in your corner…

Most men are presented with a choice… in Matrix parlance either swallow the ‘red pill’ or ‘blue pill’… embrace the ‘realities of life’ or stay ignorant. Of course ‘red pill’ always means embracing the sexual market place (SMP) as it is, learning game, developing ‘Alpha’ traits and fully committing yourself to a life of pumping and dumping as many women as you can… without any thought or possibility of maintaining a relationship with a woman of your desires other than a soft harem of rotating women…

Too often the men’s community is filled with social misfits, oddities and the just outright deranged… This isn’t really a fair statement, because it isn’t true, but the socially inept do stand out and they make people anxious and nervous to have them around, they get branded as such and so too does the community. The underpinnings of this, of course are obvious…. These people lack social skills… they lack relationship skills… and while the community has been outstanding (and notorious) for developing a measure of social skills it has been negligent in fostering the same spirit when it comes to developing and nurturing relationships skills.

When I had the opportunity to speak at the 21 Convention, which squarely has its roots, but has grown vastly beyond the pick-up community, I knew I would be speaking against the winds of popular opinion (Pick-up community) when championing relationship skills development. As such, I spent a considerable degree of time talking about the fertile ground relationships are for self development and men actualizing their lives as they envision them. The following is a general list of some of them;

You have to be in them to understand them.

No amount of keyboard jockeying will substitute for real world experience and application. If you ultimately want to be in a relationship, developing those skills BEFORE you’re in one, might be something you want to consider… Being in a relationship is not like observing one; being in one changes your decision making value process. You literally see and feel things differently when you’re in them as opposed to being an observer of them. While you can study them academically, being in one takes it to a completely different level. Very much like how you can learn and study on how to approach a woman, there is no substitute for field work. Same for relationships.

Acts committed without risk hold little value.

As long as you have a safety net you act without commitment- (being vulnerable and invested to one person or situation). Only acts undertaken with commitment have meaning… Only your best effort matters… No one applauds the tenor for clearing his throat. Furthermore, you cannot numb selective senses without imparting similar results to other senses… Shield yourself from vulnerability and you shield yourself from the benefits of intimacy… and those benefits are many. The greatest of which is your own humanity.

The biggest failures of the community

Most men do not go out looking for a girlfriend, but end up with one… worse yet a wife!!! If ultimately this is important to you, shouldn’t you have an understanding of how to achieve the end point (goal) other than serendipity? Most goals are achieved by having the end result in mind. No difference here, even if it’s just to improve the quality and nature of the relationships you do have.

Second most important investment of your life…

The most important investment you’ll ever have is the investments you place on yourself, the second is the relationships you maintain for life, and expressly the choice of a life partner. Your destiny hinges upon those choices… approaching them as such isn’t just smart, it’s wise…

The mirror to the self

Relationship can be amazing mirrors to the reflections of your own values, needs and abilities. They are snapshots of where you are currently at, what you’re able to develop and achieve and reflective of the values you hold. Life has a way of telling you where you’re at… Listen when life is telling you something… I learned long ago when in the Arizona desert that when you’re quite, the desert will speak. Life will speak too when you actively listen to it.

They will showcase a number elements if evaluated.

Your emotional baggage- we project onto our partners anything unresolved at a deeper level. “You complete me” is an outreach from this notion. How you think and regard yourself, others and the quality of your life. Your relationships will indicate maturity development that may need to be expanded and developed.

They are amazing testing grounds.

They will showcase your real abilities in action and under pressure. Knowledge of an issue isn’t enough. Knowledge coupled with appropriate action is. It is also well known that stress and hardship clarify commitment and awareness of those risks. You really learn who you really are during hardships.

They showcase your aspirations and dreams.

The nature and quality of your relationships will also be a reflection of your life’s ambitions… Just as ‘Steel sharpens steel’ and ‘Like attracts like’ healthy relationships will share similar values, outlooks and ambitions typically of your own. The nature of the relationship as well as whom you chose to have a relationship with will be telling of where your steering your life.

This is where the damage is done!

This can’t be overstated enough. This is where you get hurt. This is where you hurt others. Emotionally. Financially. Culturally. Often for life. The more invested you are in a relationship, the more you project your sense of self in the relationship, the more dependent upon the relationship, the more apt you are to be seriously hurt. This is where the power of injury not only can shape the life of an individual, but families, children, society and our culture. Preservation through avoidance and abstinence isn’t the answer though. Developing appropriate skills sets, awareness, and knowledge is. If we are to truly change our lives, our personal narratives, our legacy and family trees (through our children), we need to realize and develop our relationships so they are healthy and vibrant.

Developing a culture of failure.

You will make mistakes. While you cannot change the past, you can learn from it. You make your mistakes worse by staying blind to your own errors. Learning to fail without becoming a failure is an essential success trait. It’s frighteningly easy to choose the wrong person. Attraction and chemistry mixed with familiarity and sentimentality are easily mistaken for love, but they are far from the same thing. A failed relationship will underscore your weakness in a huge number of interpersonal skills. Learn to be able to identify those to then be able to address and develop them. Pair this with your strengths of what you did well and stand out in the relationship. Often they are traits you would not normally have identified as your strong suite.

Winning the client again, and again, and again.

I might be inherently lazy, but there’s just sheer economic sense in investing in quality relationships that you want to maintain for the numerous benefits that are inherent in a committed relationship. I simply have no illusion that I want to find a fantastic gal and then replace her immediately with someone else the next day… I don’t operate naturally that way, and nor do I think most guys do. The alternative is you’ve got to kill for your dinner each night. That gets old really quick, and it’s highly improbable. While ruthless economic efficiency and efficacy rules here it’s still a solid reason none the less… The real reality is that I firmly believe that guys don’t have a commitment problem… We have a commitment problem when we feel we’re committing to anything less than what we really want… Learn to develop the knowledge, skills and mindset to go after what you really want, rather than a pacifier.

Highs and low of your life have little to do with fucking…

Each of us invariably will have moments in our lives that will define a time in which we will be at an extreme high or low and several experiences near those. At times like those I doubt anyone truly wants to be standing on their own. These will be deeply troubling, soul searching moments and moment of extreme personal achievement at the end of the road less taken by. The notion that last night’s one night stand, no matter how amazing the fucking will play anything but a marginal role in those events to you is absurd. The true meaning of loneliness won’t be realized until you are at one of those points and utterly alone to contemplate and to endure it alone… Don’t be so foolishly cocksure that you ultimately regret it…