THE MAP-a personal guide to the sexual marketplace.

 

MUS_The Map_Book Cover

Never be lost in the sexual market place again!
Most people have an impoverished concept of the today’s sexual market place and their romantic interests suffer accordingly. Furthermore, their behavioral stratagem does not adequately satisfy their need for intimacy and connection. Many have grown accustomed to losing their heart in the process of trying. Others still hold deep mistrust and skepticism regarding the viability of relationships, that they actively eschew them.
In The Map; A Personal Guide to the Sexual Market Place, the author creates a graphic illustration of today’s sexual market place and proves throughout it, that a picture is worth a thousand words for men and women in today’s dating environment. In doing so, he encourages a sense of adventure, boldness and confidence in navigating the challenges in our social and cultural environment then couples that with simple productive advice, delivered with a bit of sizzle.
The author has a profound belief that ‘the sexes are meant for each other’. That we are naturally compatible and complimentary to each other, but society, culture, sexual politics and ignorance to human nature have taken us seriously awry. He wants to take the idea that we’re meant for each other and turn it into a social movement by transforming one individual and relationship at a time.
After leveraging his professional skills and talents as an architect to organize knowledge, plan, design and guide action to change his own life, he now helps other men, women and couples to navigate today’s sexual marketplace by leveraging the same approach he utilizes in architecture in orchestrating a cross-discipline team of professional by combining anthropology, biology, history, sociology and psychology to create a structural framework for living. This, coupled with his professional experience, allows him to create the vision and plan they need to achieve their life and relationship goals.

For those lost in the sexual marketplace this is a functional model as to why, what and how to change that.
Never be lost in the sexual marketplace again!

MUS_The Map_Book Cover

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21 Convention Post-Keynote Address Interview

21C Tampa 2014 21C Report

Oh, My!  Look who’s being interviewed by Marilee Johnson for the 21Convention…

The 21 Report has just released my Post-Keynote Address Interview I gave from the 2014 Tampa 21Convention speech.  It brings back a lot of memories from such a fascinating time, people and event.  Each year they keep getting better and better.

Anthony has also release to the 21 University of my opening address from the same event, if you’d like to see more, I highly suggest getting access.  It is well worth it and promises to be truly a unique venue for self-improvement and self-actualization guidance.

Stay tuned as the Keynote address and the Closing address will both be added to the 21 University site in coming months.  I’ve been lucky enough to have seen an raw unedited copy of the keynote address and I’m quick excited about its future public release.

A Call for Men, Husbands, Fathers

Real Dad Moments

 

 

 

 

 

Mission Care

 

 

 

 

 

This is what’s at stake… 

…fail yourself,

…fail your wife,

…fail your children,

…your family,

…fail your life.

These moments are not possible without extremely strong, vulnerable and trusting relationships and the structures we create to support them.

What are you doing about yours today?

Here’s another plug for a book I just finished and currently re-reading this time much slower and with deliberate reflective insight.  Looking for a place to start?  Start with yourself and let this be your guide.

 

Father’s Day

Father's Day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Getting caught up on reading of an early release of ‘Father’s Day’…  an incredibly quick, yet poignant read regarding what is capable when a man is fully invested in his life, love and family…  You don’t have to be married to find a wealth of well grounded advice regarding life and relationships within this short tome.  In fact, you don’t have to be a Father, let alone male to find it equally informative, stimulating of thought and corrective actions to lean into…   I’m reminded of Frederick Douglass’s quote “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”  Nowhere is this better articulated than in the cycle of child into man, man into husband, husband into father, all encompassed in the state of marriage.  If children truly are our future, our marriages are the bedrock from which they will spring…  

 

MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIP QUALITY

Relationship Quality

 

 

 

 

 

“Quality is never achieved by dropping standards…”

If you don’t have the ability to interact with, entice and compel your partner to invest herself with your time, presence and service (what you bring to the table), you’re not in the business of maintaining the quality of that relationship. You’re simply running on borrowed time and built up relationship equity to pay the emotional bills, for your relational insolvency (liabilities that exceed your value). Partnerships at their core are about mutual exchange of value to advance individual interest. If we become complacent, negligent, or destructive about maintaining value or care regarding our partners interests, we should take full accountability for the initiation of that relationship’s deterioration. As a strategic matter people should learn to avoid those people who are unwilling or incapable of providing for our needs prior to a relationship and that goes as well for relationship once they are already initiated. If your needs are not being met, seek to resolve those internally, but be prepared to walk away.

Frame control

Frame or the underlying structural support that makes up a physical composition of a subject, in this case a relationship, was negotiated and accepted early, even long prior to any formal commitment or recognition thereof a relationship. In particular, you being a man, having the social expectation to lead, to be its steward and to have it molded by you. When men relinquish control of the relationship frame devastation occurs. Nowhere is this better reflected and recorded than when viewing divorce statistics… over half of all marriages fail, with women doing 70% of the filings, the primary reason for which was ‘a lack of martial satisfaction’… They simply were ‘unhappy’. This begs an important series of questions; if they were unhappy, who’s responsibility were they expecting to fulfill their needs of satisfaction? Obviously their partner, from whom they are divorcing, but what lead to this? While there will be a myriad of individual responses, a disproportionate number of them will center around the man abdicating his masculine role and responsibilities within the relationship. Because of this we should rid ourselves of any preconception that women want, need, care to share or should have control of the relationship frame if we want our relationships and families survive and thrive. Sorry ladies, your actions speak louder than your words…

Attraction isn’t negotiable

Repeated social studies have demonstrated and reaffirmed the common observation of the consistent erotic appeal of male dominance as sexual cues of attraction and desire for women, whether those are the hypergamous triggers of physical being, social behaviors or status display cues of dominance or ‘alpha’ traits. Please keep in mind that these base traits of desire do not diminish over time. In fact they are terribly consistent. At a woman’s base biological need is a desire to be with an unapologetic masculine male- a Man. Social dominance plays such an important role in feminine attraction that manipulating this single variable socially has repeatedly shown and proven dramatic improvements in a man’s sexual market value- the degree to which he is sexually valued by women. This social dominance begins and ends with a man’s perceived self-worth and is nowhere more clearly reflected in action than by his command of the word ‘No!’. A man of worth has standards and his behaviors and actions reflect those, especially in the face of perceived opposition. It is human nature to value that which is earned, which makes giving women a pass, is a sure way to sell yourself short and display low value. Beyond that it is bad practice as it is a form of rewarding bad behavior, and that which we subsidize we get more of, much to many a men’s ultimate regret.

Branding

It’s the job of the seller to sell the value of a product or service by making a connection with their customer base and extolling the virtues of it… This is called branding. In many ways it’s simply identifying the qualities or characteristics that make you distinctive from your competitors and then hammering those in a visible way. One of the things that attracts people to a certain brand is the power of presence they project known as the halo-effect, which is identified by the strength of the initial idealization, as the greater the initial idealization the greater the reports of satisfaction over the following year. This held true for products, services and amazingly enough relationships too! Another way of looking at this is that people we interact with tell themselves a story of who they perceive us to be. We feed that story by making a series of statements by our presence, actions and words that tell people who we are and what they can expect from us. These studies in short tell us that it is far better to be the Lone Ranger, than it is to be the actor who portrays him. Your story needs to be robust enough to attract their attention and keep it. You need to be prepared to live that story out loud (by actions, as it build credibility), because soft-spoken stories rarely give rise to rapt audiences.

Meeting their emotional needs

The leading indicator for relationship quality is best measured by the degree of relational satisfaction- the degree to which our needs, desires and appetite are being fulfilled within the relationship. When we meet our partner’s needs, it creates the greatest degree of happiness, acceptance and validation in turn, which is emotionally transferred into the context of what we describe as love. Unfortunately not all needs are created equally, nor equally valued by each individual, which make it particularly important to respond to our partner’s needs if we want satisfaction to remain high. Your job is to find out what those are, to what degree are they valued and how to best meet or achieve those. Affection and intimacy are two critical emotional needs that are often seen as the cement of a relationship. With it we’re bonded to each other, without it we are totally alienated by its absence. This is where the value of rituals comes into play. By having consciously established patterns of behaviors focused on intimacy and affection helps safeguards the relationship because they are simply lost in hard times when we need them the most.

Positivity as an essential

One of the most important characteristics of relationship satisfaction is the ability of couples to accentuate the positive in life more than those that choose to revel in the negatives of life. While shit happens to everyone, we command the choice to be miserable or not. It should come as no surprise then that miserable people have miserable relationships…which usually end miserably. The point here is that it pays handsome dividends to have a healthy masculine male leadership who is able to sort out emotional trivialities, to define interpret what is important, by taking issues into perspective, accepting accountability for one’s emotional state and being emotionally secure in the face of adversity (especially her disapproval) to cease negativity where it serves no positive function within the relationship (all these are renown masculine traits not feminine). Simply put that may mean calling your partner out on her negativity and setting the relationship cultural tone for promoting positivity over adversity. Please bear in mind the law of emotional contagion (the unconscious tendency to mimic the emotions of others) that the strongest frame will win out.

Nature of commitment

An inherent feature to relationship satisfaction is powerfully linked to the qualitative nature of commitment. The degree to which our partners identify with and actively reduce our cautionary reactions to fears and insecurity regarding our vulnerabilities of relationship future projection, actively mitigates the degree of distrust we feel based on those natural occurring anxieties. Until we can alleviate our partner’s predominant concerns for self-protection, emotional safety and security they will be reluctant to develop a deep and abiding faith in us or our relationship with them. We need to recognize the importance of promoting trust by clarifying our intentions, validating our partners and highlighting the value we hold of our relationship, through regular assurances which are reinforced by gestures and behavior as demonstrations of commitment and loyalty.

Engaging Social Networks

As social creatures we have a deep need for social approval and acceptance. It is not surprising then to know that studies on depression have routinely placed positive social events on par with the effects gained through medication to remediate the state of low personal mood associated with sadness, emptiness, worthlessness and hurt. In fact, many doctors will actually prescribe social events with friends, family and loved-ones as a course of action to take to limit or reduce the effects of depression. As such social events make incredible tools for improving the quality of relationships. Integrating our relationship within greater social circles has the effect of expanding the degree of affirmation, validation and support we receive, which greatly offsets life’s challenges. Care must be taken though, when our social circles come into conflict with our relationships, because they can be as detrimental as positive. Boundaries in these cases need to be clearly articulated socially, if not physically, depending upon the nature and intensity of the conflicts, as history and literature are replete with examples where relationships are made or broken by the acceptance of a given pair in a social construct.

 

TSL Podcast Greg Swann

 

 

 

 

A Sunday afternoon spent in the Church of Splendor…

Sat down late this morning to wrap up my next blog post on ‘maintaining relationship quality’, which I’ve started and stopped a half-dozen times in the last three months… started to listen to this podcast from two mutual friends, to hear their voices again and immerse myself in the context of writing about ideas… and got lost hearing and being reaffirmed by shared values expressed in the podcast. Greg calls this church (the behavioral action of repeatedly going back again and again to remind yourself of what your values and virtues are and the acts of pursuing them). The more I think upon that and so many other ideas and convictions he shares the more I have to re-think so many ideas and ideals I once held so profoundly close. At times I’m uncomfortable with where I come up out of the rabbit hole, but I then remind myself that there is no growth in the comfort zone…

The Sexual Life Podcast-with Greg Swann

With all that being said, if I fail to post this evening it’s because I’ve chosen to spend more time with my friends, their ideas and contemplating those values as they are expressed in my life… and right now that is the most likely outcome…

Steve Mayeda- The Sexual Life

http://thesexuallife.com/the-philosophy-2/

 

Greg Swann

http://selfadoration.com/

 

Anthony & Marilee

By example.

This is an image of a man in command of his life, fully vested (having the rights to) and invested (contributed effort) completely in it. He’s become a remarkable man, living a notable life because of it. He didn’t start that way. Few of us do, but years back he took agency of his life and sought to seek and to verify his own truths, find his own way through life and to strive to become the individual he is today. It is truly remarkable due to the sincerity, conviction and conscious determination to do just that. Equally as remarkable, is that he openly shared his experiences, understandings and realizations with others and then brought together so many of us from different ages, passions and places to join him in doing the same (this blog is a direct testament to that).

It’s called leadership when you live by example and then inspire others by words and deed in efforts to support them in achieving their personal potential. It’s what makes Anthony such a valuable friend and mentor, he just doesn’t say what he knows or believes, but lives them. I intentionally created this blog to share my experience, knowledge and awareness of cultural and political context of the sexual market place, because of his influence. A very large and unspoken portion of what personally drives me is to make personal atonement to not only the people I hurt romantically in my past, because I wasn’t the man I wished I could have been and didn’t have the knowledge to voice what I can now, but also to also soothe and reassure my own insecurities, fears and anxieties about the very real risks, dangers and dis-incentives men face when facing committing to relationships in our current environment (and they are quite severe). What I am faced with by his example is a clear understanding of just how jaded, defensive and armored against living life I have become, especially with being trusting, vulnerable and open to real intimacy.

Anthony has in the past and continues even today to lavishly shower me with praise credit for sharing with him, what I knew, understood and believed about life and relationships which help lead him to Marilee and I am deeply touched by that recognition and sentiments. To be fair our relationship is far from one-sided and if anything the pendulum is now clearly swinging the other way. The stated goal and objective of this blog project for me was to “provide a stepping stone for men who desire to shape and author their lives and embrace the responsibilities in having committed relationships. In effect, those wishing to ‘Man Up!’, but doing so with wisdom and honed ability. I hope to be one voice, reaching a thousand lives, that will drive a revolution.” Tomorrow when Anthony and Marilee marry and commit their lives to each other, I will count them as my ‘first’ step towards that thousand, not because I haven’t helped others, or their level of commitment to each other, but because I have witnessed first-hand, thus know it to be true what happens when a man is determined to create the life he desires and in part I know I’ve been some of the steel that’s sharpened that man.

Ultimately what I am struck by is that as individuals we must be prepared for the realities of our world, but also learn to lay down our shields, to put down our spears, to feel the sunshine upon our faces and take our place under the sun, if we are to really live. Look again at the photo above and tell me you don’t see a remarkable man, living a remarkable life, because I sure do. …and he’s showing me by example. Our world needs far fewer Leonidas’ of the Men’s Rights Movement and more Anthony and Marilee’s. What an amazing gift they are giving each other and us as a consequence tomorrow.

300-Weathering the Storm