Tag Archives: Relationship Skills

Providing Praise

Posted on by
Reply

A small effort with a huge return

One of the basic findings in psychology is that rewarding a specific behavior increases the likelihood of the behavior being repeated… recognition and acknowledgement are an important reward and motivation for good work and strengthens the relationship in many ways. The more genuinely self-confident your partner is the better they are likely to perform in life and within your relationship. A key component in this particular case is raising your partners self-esteem by the appropriate utilization of praise. You can do a lot for your partner and your relationship by helping them to do so, as people want to know that their contributions are appreciated and valued. The failure to do so provides a situation for growing frustration and alienation, which can be enough to permanently influence an individual’s view of their own abilities, self-worth and self-respect.

Praise is judgment

Praise is a form of positive judging your partners performance based on how well it matches up to your internal sense of how the job should be done. If you are not conveying that, you are giving little guidance and providing no leadership within the relationship. The notion of not providing praise isn’t just bullshit, it is vastly unfair and disrespectful. Your partner should not have to be your mind reader and should expect the same consideration or better, than what you expect for yourself in the form of recognition and acknowledgement. You should be setting the tone for it in your relationship.

Timely

In order for praise to be effective it must be done in a timely fashion and delivered as soon as possible. When you notice results, tell them. Take the two seconds to stop whatever is going on and acknowledge them and their actions. This will not only signal your value of the experience but add to their own savoring of it by your enthusiasm and attention that is bared upon it. Even if it’s just a place holder for further appreciation, do so immediately. There are few situations or times when an honest “you fucking rock!” and a high-five isn’t appreciated.

Genuine

An essential element that separates praise from flattery is the fact that it is genuine, it is laden with value, earned and has context or meaning grounding it. You want to avoid flattery, which is a false or excessive praising or fawning which is to seek out the other person’s approval or attention by acting ingratiatingly. These will be seen for what they are patronizing, hollow, meaningless and inconsequential.

Specific

Spending time reviewing your experiences with your partner is an important step in not just celebrating the mundane and obvious elements that you value them for, but for what often goes unspoken or unrecognized. What are the things that you values that comes to mind? Not what could be, but what is already there, what already attracts you, what readily keeps your attention, those things that made them different from every other woman. These are the foundational elements upon which your relationship is built. She should be well aware of your appreciation of them and your acknowledgment of them is essential to this.

Reasonable

People can be conditioned with hopelessly demanding standards. Repeated failure at winning approval teaches your partner that there is no appreciable relationship between effort and reward. The desire to be recognized, valued and considered is one of our deepest needs, if you are not providing it, they will naturally seek it elsewhere. Your failure to provide earned and justifiable recognition is an overt form of neglect that ultimately will not go un-noticed or un-resolved. Eventually everyone will turn to someone, or something else to have their needs fulfilled. Prevent this by having reasonable standards, expectations and provide recognition and show appreciation where it is earned.

4:1

In numerous third-party exit interview studies, researchers find that most parting employee’s feel ignored or taken for granted. When researchers actually tabulated the number of times praise was merited out compared to criticism and noted the ratios they found that when the ratios was 1:1 people felt as though they had a negative relationship. When it was 2:1 (praise to criticism), they still felt their manager was all over them. It wasn’t until it was a ration of 4:1 that people felt good about their relationship. We can’t expect our partners to be batting 1.000, but what we can do and make practice of is noticing the daily things they do, do and calling attention to them. Everyone loves to hear that they’re awesome, even if it’s just because she’s yours.

Varried

Providing simple praise, recognition and acknowledgement isn’t nearly enough. Your appreciation of them and their efforts must be evident in your body language and facial expressions when you provide it. Being comfortable and varied in your expressions of it help frame the context and attach meaning to the expressions given. Beyond that, the methodology of providing such forms of recognition and praise should be varied as well. Spend the time to create unique and differing ways to communicate this. Yes, cards are appreciated and valued, more so when they are unexpected and don’t fall on commercialized holidays of remembrance or acknowledgement. They don’t have to be fancy. The most caring are not. A meaningful, touch, a caress, a smile across a room can have and leave profound and meaningful memories.

Public

You should be as enthused about your partner playing for your team (relationship) as you would be supporting any team or sport. How different would your relationship be if you were truly their biggest fan and supporter and overtly so? Providing public praise, talking her up with your friends, family and co-workers is a proxy for such, more so if the individual your espousing her qualities to is some other woman. After all she’s the one you chose. (If you can’t do this we need to be having a different conversation). Sadly in most relationships this doesn’t typically occur until after the relationship has failed and she’s moved onto a new relationship and new cock… then everyone hears about how wonderful she was and how endeared to her you were… which is far too late. Vastly better to have made those sentiment know well in advance of any turbulence in the relationship.

Prizing

In intimate relationships we should be going well beyond providing frequent, timely, varied and public praise. We need to be finding those elements that we highly cherish, hold so dear that they make our partner completely unique, valued and we should be expressing them. Yes, this is a form of pedestalization. It should be, otherwise you shouldn’t be in a relationship with her. We put things on pedestals that we hold dear, that are highly valued, appreciated and ultimately want to protect. Our relationships should be one of our many treasured possessions, that matches our own sense of self-worth, self-respect, and self-esteem through living a life we desired and acted on to create. Do any less is acting ignobly.

Developing Empathy Skills within Relationships

Posted on by
Reply

 

 

 

 

In the age of sharply increased narcissism, empathy is a dying art.

 

Bad Seeds…

True Alpha males make shitty relationship partners. Their well established brand of endless string of short-term failed relationships and prepotency for fast fused-quick to fizzle marriages are a pure testament to this, as are the baggage laden train wrecks that follow in their wake. While the alpha attraction triggers female hypergamy on many levels, it fails to transition into appropriate nurturing roles which are critically needed to sustain long-term committed relationships. Their low emotional quotient (EQ) plays out as they tend to find themselves to be constantly at odds with others, in a state of being angry, stressed and frustrated, acting out in a controlling manner, which ultimately leads people to push away and tune them out. Ask any child of an overbearing parent.

Remove the Negatives First

It will be no surprise to most to know that empathy is one of the main components of emotional intelligence and that empathic people are skilled in placing themselves inside the shoes of others and seeing the world through another person’s perspective. The problem isn’t the awareness of the skill, but their implementation that stymies people. In trying to improve almost anything it is vastly more effective to remove a detriment than add an accruement. As such we’ll discuss first behaviors that should be removed or reduced.

Lack of Role Models

Our exposure to multiple role models to gather and develop early behavioral traits and reference points for learning social skills is fundamental in our development as adults, as those without them will be at a severe disadvantage to learning appropriate ones, as they will be ignorant of them or exposed to poor ones. Additionally individuals embracing a arch-type that is obsolete can be more detritus than not having an acceptable one, as the individual will need to let go of their false belief system first prior to learning and developing new skill sets, which never seems to happen without a major life crisis. In this regard family structure, the quality of parenting and exposure to appropriate social culture cues largely prepare and determine one’s preliminary social skill sets, to include empathy, leadership abilities along with many others.

At a Drop of a Hat

Sadly empathy is sacrificed when we are upset, angry, disappointed or frustrated. We must not only fight this natural impulse, but to be well aware how our lack of empathy at these times tends to make the most horrific, life impacting emotional wounds when we fail to control ourselves and lash out on blind compulsion. We need to be aware of how we influence our relationships by not only what and how we say what we do, but the manner and regard for how we care for the people we are interacting with when emotions have put so much at stake. While a liberal use of diplomacy and tact is called for a clear sign that we should be on point is any time anger, frustration or disappointment first raises it head.

Double Standards

We all know the ‘Golden Rule’ of treating others the way you would want to be treated, but are we really holding ourselves to the standard we place on other’s behaviors to you? Would you find your behavior acceptable if someone else did it to you? It is all too common to leave our own behaviors unobserved, but they are precisely the behaviors in which are most visible to others and as a consequence of this human trait, leave us incredibly vulnerable to their impact on the relationship. It is important to remember that one can be empathic, validate another person’s view point and yet still disagree. An important step in doing so is developing a personal boundary of dropping any double standards that may exist.

Relating Instead of Understanding

In a misguided attempt to relate and thus foster a sense of rapport and connection with others, we will often try to relate to what they are saying in our own lives and then share that. While fine on occasion it can lead to a situation where the speaker does not feel they are being truly herd or listened to and comes across as a ‘me-too’ type of one-upmanship conversation. Left un-checked it can have negative impact on the relationship, as it is a detriment to shared understanding, as the comparison does little to foster greater insight or further the rapport with the speaker. Instead of proffering a similar comparison, ask a simple question of ‘what did that mean to them?’, ‘How did that make them feel?’ or ‘why was that important to you?’ can go a long way in fostering the connection we think we’re trying to make.

Not Being Present

The less we are being in the moment, truly utilizing the skills of actively listening, the harder it is to tune into other people’s feelings and intentions, which is critical to providing emotional support, as they are communicating them. In our rush to project ahead, to get to the bend in the conversation and to frame our response, we completely lose sight of the reason of our conversation in the first place, sharing information as a means to build, maintain and sustain the relationship.

Accentuating the Positive

Having removed many of the common obstacles to greater empathic understanding and relating with our partners, we can progress into understanding common traits that will enhance and further our empathic skills which will serve to strengthen these important emotional bonds.

Drop Your Agenda

A central part of being present is setting aside your beliefs, concerns and dropping your personal agenda in order to fully hear what your partner is saying. It is the skill of going into a conversation without expectations, without goals of fixing or resolving issues first. Our presuppositions muddy the communication and our thinking process. Our only agenda is listening to our partner’s feelings, sentiments, points of view and reference points in attempts to understand where they are coming from and what they are trying to express. We are listening to gain their perspective. Once we have listened and we’re sure they have been heard correctly can the communication progress from there.

Getting Beyond the Facts

Most of us consider listening to be made up of clearly able to understand the ‘Who, What, Where, When , Why and How’ of what is being communicated, but fail to take into true account the speakers emotional state, energy, tone and body language as they are communicating. These social clues can be imperative to developing a connection and understanding between the parties, as much as the words expressed. Frequently what being said isn’t nearly as important, as what’s not being said, but otherwise communicated. Learning to fully watch, as well as to listen to our partner strengthens the connection between the cognitive and emotional brain which leads to deep emotional rapport that is defined as empathic connection.

An Indian’s Moccasins

In actively listening to our partner we are trying to place ourselves in their shoes, to see the situation from their position, their emotional standing point and how that is affecting them. If you are unsure, it is completely reasonable and beneficial to simply ask… ask them ‘How do you feel about that?’ ‘What does that mean to you?’, ‘Do you mean that you feel…X?’ etc… learning to use open-ended questions regarding thoughts, feelings and beliefs can not only clarify an issue but bring underlying driving issues to the forefront, often these will be issues surrounding emotional needs.

Relate to their Inner-Child

In times of high contest, immense emotional fray, over-whelming pressure and expectations we are faced with a situation that has created a barrier to communication and connection that seem insurmountable. At times like these a simple and effective strategy of visualizing our partner as their vulnerable inner-child we can lower and lessen our defenses, that will then allow us to preserve the relationship and communicate in an effective way. It is by a combination of seeing through our partner’s presence for the vulnerable person that they are and defusing the emotional intensity that we can then focus on the issue at hand without being distracted by the enormity of them or the situation.

If we want our partners to appreciate what we are communicating, if we want them to respond to and work cooperatively with us, then we must consider their perspective, how they perceive us, how they perceive how they’ve been heard and how they’ve been received by what they’ve expressed . Utilizing empathy is key element within this whole process of communication, emotional needs expression and grounding and solidifying the relationship.

 

Conflict Management

Posted on by
Reply

“See the forest through the trees”

Conflict within a relationship may be frustrating, but is it really worth the incredible effort required to tackle it? Ask yourself; what is the cost of conflict avoidance or incompetent conflict resolution skills? The cost of conflict incompetence is a poisoned relationship… poisoned by anger, fear, defensiveness, negativity, hurt and embarrassment, combined with misunderstanding and distrust, which will weaken individual morale and obviously strain the relationship. This poison just doesn’t remain stagnant. It festers into a boil that mars even the most beautiful of intimacies. Lastly, what does conflict avoidance say about a man, his leadership ability, and his relationship fitness?

Men as leaders can manage conflict and improve an emotionally hostile situation, by learning to replace destructive behaviors with constructive behaviors, while seeing past the immediate issue for the impact it has on the course of the relationship. Doing so men will see a difference in how a specific conflict plays out and how conflicts generally apply within their relationships overall.

Determining the context

One of the utmost decisions you will have regarding a conflict is determining the time and place of it. Even if the conflict is thrust upon you, as a man, it is your role to determine the appropriateness and timing of it. If the context isn’t appropriate, or the emotions are getting out of control, it is essential to delay, postpone or defuse the mounting tension before carrying on. This can be as simple as calling a momentary time-out, defusing the tension by bringing the bigger picture into scope and highlighting shared emotional consideration and re-affirming emotional security by doing so, or postponing the conflict discussion until a later defined date. With regards to postponing the conflict, be sure to set a specific time frame and context in which you will discuss the conflict issue. This isn’t a dismissal, but a genuine acknowledgement that an issue needs to be addressed, but now, is not the time and place to discuss it. This is very much a form of boundary setting and needs to be treated and viewed as such. A partner unwilling to do so, is being disrespectful of you and the relationship. It is equally important for you to be seen following through on your promise to re-engage at the previously agreed upon time. Do not wait for the time to arrive and have your partner initiate the discussion. Be a man about it. Control the timing, context and the initiation of the conflict discussion, as promised. Realize that this is a form providing emotional security, for both of you, as well as the relationship.

Setting the tone

As a man and a leader you will be tasked with setting the tone of the conflict, through leading by example. Emotionally deterred leaders are poor ones. Letting emotions run-away is a sure sign of a failed leadership and a general fitness test in a man. This doesn’t mean you can’t respond emotionally when and where appropriate and justifiable, but getting pulled ‘off-sides’ with regards to emotional escalation with your partners behavior or emotions isn’t acceptable. You simply lose credibility as a man and as a competent leader while tarnishing your established image. At these moments, what are you emotionally telling your partner? What is her emotional take-away from the situation? It’s one thing to develop your brand when selling to the client, it’s another when dealing with an issue on the back-end in customer service. It’s not enough just to choose your words wisely, but you need to establish and control the tone of the conflict as well.

Taking perspective

As with any conflict there tends to be a critical mass of emotions surrounding a perceived failed expectation, and the issue at hand may only be a symptom of it, not the underlying cause or motivator for the conflict. For this reason, it is incredibly important to try to understand the other person’s point of view and more importantly where they are coming from emotionally. Focus on their words and behaviors, not your assumptions. Asking yourself, or more importantly, asking them, “why do you think that?”, can open the doors to a greater understanding of what the real issue is to them. Learning to actively listen to the other person with the intent of understanding rather than debating. It is important that your partner be fully heard, don’t interrupt, let them finish what they are saying, then summarize their points of view regarding the conflict BEFORE presenting your ideas and opinions.

Discussing emotions

There is a remarkable difference between ‘discussing emotions’ and ‘expressing emotions’. While emotions will surely be at the core of a conflict, letting emotions get away from one another and getting caught up in the moment emotionally will be severely detrimental. It is immensely better to discuss emotions in a forthright, appropriate manner, rather than have pent-up emotions expressed uncontrollably. To properly address emotions, make sure that the emotions being expressed is helpful, is specific and reflects your point of view, such as using the phrase “I feel”, “I am frustrated because” etc.. Refrain from using words or terms that project blame, condescension or judgment.

Creating solutions

Today’s man is expected to showcase leadership skills that have vastly heightened sense of emotional intelligence with regard to collaboration skills, consensus achievement, team building and forging strong personal connections throughout the conflict process, especially in this Sexual Market Place. It is for these reasons, it is best to jointly review the underpinnings of the conflict and together propose and chart changes of patterns of communication, held expectations, defining emotional promises and agreed upon behaviors associated with resolving the conflict. Woe be it to any man who relies on the age-old patriarchy leadership skill of alpha dominance to ‘resolve’ a dispute. The likely outcome will be an emotional insurgency by your partner that will ultimately be resolved when she act upon her natural hypergamy to fortify her failing sense of self-worth, self-esteem and self-respect, by spreading herself for an emotionally intelligent alpha cock who ‘gets her’. …and yes, he will, no doubt repeatedly, as sex with women tends to follow those that hold their emotions.

ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

Posted on by
Reply

Time without attention is worthless…

 

Listen like a shrink…

Powerful listening goes beyond hearing words and messages; it connects us emotionally with our partner. It is equally important to listen to what your partner is NOT saying, as it is important as to what they are saying, whether that be the nature of their body language or a deep core vulnerability that just isn’t being expressed openly. We need to learn to focus intently on the complete message being conveyed behind and between the words our partners use.

Throttling back the Alpha…

As a man, you will be expected to lead the relationship in developing and fostering conditions within the relationship that allow these mutual vulnerabilities to surface, which leads to meaningful and deep connection to form. These vulnerabilities are areas of our psyche where we feel raw and unprotected. We all have them. They stem from emotional injuries of our childhood and the bruising we take on the road to and through adulthood, which have left emotional scars that we carry with us, unless attended to. We can attempt to attend to these emotional wounds by conducting psychological social development self-analysis and relationship autopsies for ourselves and with our partners, but like so many issues in life it is what we do consistently that has greater influence than what we attempt acutely. We need to make acceptance and mutual understanding a regular part of your relationship, as all wounds are not old wounds. We know and can come to expect that fresh ones will and do occur, often inadvertently by our own hand. A healthy relationship is one set up and prepared for them.

The setting

The initial goal of active listening is to set a comfortable tone, to allow time and opportunity for your partner to express their thoughts and sentiments, under your undivided attention. Recognizing these moments when they occur is crucial. Conveying that you recognize your partner’s need of this more so. Take the time to be in a position, atmosphere and situation where this can be realized. If you are not, create it. Pay attention to your frame of mind, as well as your body language. Be focused on the moment and operate from a place of sincere respect, care and understanding. The message being sent here is one of care, consideration and respect.

Withhold judgment

Active listening requires an open mind and as a leader, you cannot be open to new ideas, new perspectives and new possibilities, while being judgmental and single-minded. Withholding judgment creates an atmosphere of safety where your partner has the opportunity to authentically express themselves, which develops emotional intimacy and trust through respect. It doesn’t mean you have to agree, but that you allow room for them to express their sentiments and you see, feel and acknowledge their perspective prior to forming and sharing your opinion.

Reflect

Don’t assume that you initially understood your partner’s message. Paraphrase key points of understanding, intent and emotions before continuing. Don’t move the conversation forward until you do. Reflective listening is a way to indicate that you and your partner are on the same page within the discussion and that you understand not only what they are stating but the sentiments and intent driving them.

Clarify

Don’t be shy to ask questions about any issue that is ambiguous or unclear. Asking open-ended, clarifying and probing questions are important devices to draw people out and encourage them to expand their ideas. The details of a message are often defined here, and as it is stated in so many cases, divinity resides in the details.

Summarize

Restating that portion of the conversation again, as the conversation has proceeded, confirms and solidifies your understanding of the other person’s view and returns the conversation back to where it was prior to the reflection or clarification process. Ask them to do the same, so that you know they received your message regarding any clarification as well.

Share

Actively listening is first about understanding your partner, then being understood. As you gain a clear comprehension of your partner’s perspective can you then introduce your ideas, feelings, sentiments or opinions and be well received.

Arguably the most important trait for a leader and a man is the ability to communicate effectively and in today’s knowledge economy this requires and demands a vastly heightened sense of emotional intelligence prior to doing so. It goes beyond mastering the craft of language, but attitude and actions of effective listening, that send powerful messages for forging collaboration, team building and consensus building within any relationship structure, none more critical and important than your intimate and romantic one, your life-partner.

Leadership as a requirement

Posted on by
3

Leadership comes in small daily acts as well as bold strokes…

Build it and they will come.

It all begins and ends with you. You lead by example. If you can’t lead yourself, you can’t lead others. It’s as simple as that and as a consequence you will be found undesirable as a mate and relationship choice by women until you develop appropriate leadership skills. Furthermore you cannot possibly be a better leader than you are a person. Leadership starts with your character development and then progresses outward from there into your vision of yourself, your life and your relationships with others.

Pissing into the wind

Regardless of the fact that women have surpassed the equality mark, women are not inclined to transition into gender equity with regards to dating. They are loath to relinquish a system in which the males takes all or at least the majority of the risk of rejection, in initiating the courtship rituals of dating. Furthermore your failure to act upon your gender assigned role of leadership, will be judged as a fitness test to your worth and viability as a mate choice. Be it as it may, if you want that girl, you’re going to have to act and demonstrate leadership attributes… the upside is you have the power of choice. You and you alone decide with whom to initiate. That is your masculine role. Her feminine role is to judge your worthiness and merit when you do. We can rail into the wind for change, but it’s likely to do little if any good.

 The King is dead…

The concept of leadership has dramatically changed and the emphasis on hard power of authoritarian and dominance is outdated, yet social dominance plays such an important role in female attraction that manipulating this variable alone can produce dramatic improvements in a man’s life, which is why there is such a strong focus on dominance traits development and practice within the seduction community. Unfortunately these same traits do not transfer well into long-term relationship traits, due to their over-use and reliance that transcends into controlling, suffocating and stifling behavior, which is a hallmark of low emotional intelligence and a pre-cursor to many a doomed relationship. While a vibrant and useful attraction trait, social dominance should not be relied upon as a cornerstone to a healthy relationship, but as a trigger for sustained attraction within a relationship.

 Rise of soft power

Today’s knowledge economy requires and demands new leadership skills and expectations requiring vastly heightened sense of emotional intelligence, relationship skills, team building, collaborations skills, consensus building, mentoring and forging strong personal connections which is incredibly indifferent to men’s historical attributes and culturally defined role models. Many analysts are arguing that men are ill-suited for the realities of not only this new economy, but the emerging society as well, as they reflect similar skills sets. The focus today in leadership is not solely in hard powers but in enhanced relationship-driven soft powers that foster trust, respect and credibility, with a dash of hard power skills where appropriate and when needed. Often this too is done with a measure of tact and diplomacy to find mutually acceptable solutions to a common challenge, as it is widely recognized as a Pyrrhic victory otherwise; a gain from winning one negotiation can be much less than the increased hostility from other parts, resulting in an overall loss. Don’t be in a situation where you win the argument to only loose the relationship with the girl.

24/7 Communication

Arguably the most important trait for a leader is the ability to communicate effectively. They master not only the craft of language, but attitude and actions to send powerful messages as well. Communication goes well beyond words. Your behavior gives people information about your disposition, opinion or mood-regardless of the words you speak. Your inner character gets expressed outwards with corresponding consequences and ramifications. The manner in which a leader communicates reveals much about your character. It can disclose your authenticity, sincerity and virtually every other aspect of your character, not just in the moments of bold and decisive decision-making.

New Patriarchy

While feminist and culture may rail against patriarchy, ultimately it is what they expect and demand that a man takes the lead not only in initiating, but throughout a relationship. But unlike the authorial stance of old, women desire a guide and an equitable stake in the relationship without outright subordination. To successfully navigate this new complex social construct, men will have to learn a great deal more leadership skills than what typically have been previously the gender defined roles. While popular culture may rail against this, women are happier when their men are men and they are the woman in the relationship.