Category Archives: Relationship Skills

ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

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Time without attention is worthless…

 

Listen like a shrink…

Powerful listening goes beyond hearing words and messages; it connects us emotionally with our partner. It is equally important to listen to what your partner is NOT saying, as it is important as to what they are saying, whether that be the nature of their body language or a deep core vulnerability that just isn’t being expressed openly. We need to learn to focus intently on the complete message being conveyed behind and between the words our partners use.

Throttling back the Alpha…

As a man, you will be expected to lead the relationship in developing and fostering conditions within the relationship that allow these mutual vulnerabilities to surface, which leads to meaningful and deep connection to form. These vulnerabilities are areas of our psyche where we feel raw and unprotected. We all have them. They stem from emotional injuries of our childhood and the bruising we take on the road to and through adulthood, which have left emotional scars that we carry with us, unless attended to. We can attempt to attend to these emotional wounds by conducting psychological social development self-analysis and relationship autopsies for ourselves and with our partners, but like so many issues in life it is what we do consistently that has greater influence than what we attempt acutely. We need to make acceptance and mutual understanding a regular part of your relationship, as all wounds are not old wounds. We know and can come to expect that fresh ones will and do occur, often inadvertently by our own hand. A healthy relationship is one set up and prepared for them.

The setting

The initial goal of active listening is to set a comfortable tone, to allow time and opportunity for your partner to express their thoughts and sentiments, under your undivided attention. Recognizing these moments when they occur is crucial. Conveying that you recognize your partner’s need of this more so. Take the time to be in a position, atmosphere and situation where this can be realized. If you are not, create it. Pay attention to your frame of mind, as well as your body language. Be focused on the moment and operate from a place of sincere respect, care and understanding. The message being sent here is one of care, consideration and respect.

Withhold judgment

Active listening requires an open mind and as a leader, you cannot be open to new ideas, new perspectives and new possibilities, while being judgmental and single-minded. Withholding judgment creates an atmosphere of safety where your partner has the opportunity to authentically express themselves, which develops emotional intimacy and trust through respect. It doesn’t mean you have to agree, but that you allow room for them to express their sentiments and you see, feel and acknowledge their perspective prior to forming and sharing your opinion.

Reflect

Don’t assume that you initially understood your partner’s message. Paraphrase key points of understanding, intent and emotions before continuing. Don’t move the conversation forward until you do. Reflective listening is a way to indicate that you and your partner are on the same page within the discussion and that you understand not only what they are stating but the sentiments and intent driving them.

Clarify

Don’t be shy to ask questions about any issue that is ambiguous or unclear. Asking open-ended, clarifying and probing questions are important devices to draw people out and encourage them to expand their ideas. The details of a message are often defined here, and as it is stated in so many cases, divinity resides in the details.

Summarize

Restating that portion of the conversation again, as the conversation has proceeded, confirms and solidifies your understanding of the other person’s view and returns the conversation back to where it was prior to the reflection or clarification process. Ask them to do the same, so that you know they received your message regarding any clarification as well.

Share

Actively listening is first about understanding your partner, then being understood. As you gain a clear comprehension of your partner’s perspective can you then introduce your ideas, feelings, sentiments or opinions and be well received.

Arguably the most important trait for a leader and a man is the ability to communicate effectively and in today’s knowledge economy this requires and demands a vastly heightened sense of emotional intelligence prior to doing so. It goes beyond mastering the craft of language, but attitude and actions of effective listening, that send powerful messages for forging collaboration, team building and consensus building within any relationship structure, none more critical and important than your intimate and romantic one, your life-partner.

Emotional Needs Communication

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I was not a lion, but it fell to me to give a lion’s roar.

You needs, wants and desires matter. They should matter to you. They should matter to your partner. They should matter to society. If your needs, wants and desires don’t matter, the message is you don’t matter. If that is the case, that needs to change (period) and it needs to start now!

 A modern evolutionary fitness test…

We cannot expect un-expressed needs to be accurately fulfilled, if we don’t communicate them. When important relationship emotional needs go unrecognized, are continuously ignored or devalued, emotional distress and relationship problems result, often taking the form of communication breakdowns and emotional disconnection leading to the whole calamity of relationship breakdown and failure. Not having the balls to speak up, especially to yourself about your needs, wants and desires is an evolutionary failure. You simply are not at a basic level providing for yourself… What society, woman or child can expect you to “Man-Up!” to them, your responsibilities, or promises, if you first cannot “Man-Up!” to yourself?

A lion’s roar

We must take responsibility for ensuring our needs, wants and desires are not jut communicated, but interpreted in the manner we intend.

 Be aware of your objective

Understand what it is that you’re trying to actually accomplish. What is the purpose of the communication? For example, it is foolish to focus on behavior tasks (closing of cabinet cupboards doors) if the real purpose of the communication is really about respect and consideration (a respect for your shared living environment and unmet expectations of personal behaviors while living together).

 Be honest about your own needs

If we are not clear or honest about our needs when we are communicating, the message will get lost. Much like the mail, we need to accurately address the intended destination to have our message delivered properly. Without a doubt, at times this will be very difficult emotionally to initiate, but it is incredibly important to have the personal courage, conviction and respect of yourself to enact.

 Communicate in the positive

Requests framed in the negative; e.g. “don’t do…” sets a negative tone, doesn’t inspire change, and repeated often enough it becomes debilitating to the health of the relationship. For instance, If you’re trying to get your partner to change their sexual performance, instead of saying “Baby, don’t use your teeth!”, it’s vastly better received if you state “Baby, remember to use your tongue!”. You can capitalize on this emotional momentum by showing displays of gratitude, which are appropriate rewards and powerful motivators to further promote desired change.

Speaking of displays of gratitude and powerful motivators to promote change (this is for all my female readers); random, frequent and gratuitous acts of oral sex is the male equilivant of giving a woman flowers… we can never get enough of them, it tells us we’re special to you and we love the women who do so. It cost so little, but means so much and goes so far! Do take note and let me know your results.

 Message confirmation

Often we cannot be certain how of if our message is being received. During these times, particularly if the message is critical, it is advisable to get feedback or confirmation of the message. A simple question like, “ Can you tell me what you think I meant by what I said” clarifies any ambiguity and provides valuable clues as to how your message was received and interpreted.

 Bring respect

In holding an emotional needs conversation, it is crucial to remember that this is about the relationship, as much as it is about your needs and as such we need to take into account how this newly expressed information is received by our partner. Asking a sincere and genuinely intent question, something like, “how does what I said make you feel?” goes a long way in securing the safety and emotional security bond the two of you share. Intimacy isn’t just about the fucking… where the emotions go, so too does the sexuality… preserve both by safeguarding them.

CRITICAL CONFRONTATIONS – the essence of accountability

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“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret”

Critical confrontations are tools for resolving broken promises, violated expectations and bad behavior. As a man, you will be expected to showcase your leadership skills, within the relationship, by conducting tough dialogue, at tough times, that produces not only an agreeable solution but one that strengthens the respect, trust and value that the two of you hold for each other all while doing so.

Relationships are about engaging each other…

Most people avoid conflict because they lack both the will, and more importantly the confident ability to successfully navigate the treacherous waters that conflicts lay in. They more or less accurately assess their lack of abilities for the situation at hand. They are simply out of their depths and fear any action taken will worsen the situation. Unfortunately doing nothing, does nothing to solve the issue and reinforces the notion that you’ve just provided tacit approval for the issue at hand. By conducting critical confrontations for minor breaches of boundaries, beginning with friends, family, co-workers and associates, where the threat of loss or intimidation is low, one can develop not only the essential skill of establishing boundaries, but emotional toughness, self-respect and self-esteem that comes from having done so, that will pay massive dividends when dealing with a loved one, in a highly emotionally charged, invested and at risk situation.

Stop keeping the peace at your expense…

Learn that some conflict is healthy. Underlying tension and conflict within a relationship indicates a required communication point, which isn’t unhealthy, but left un-communicated it will grow into an unhealthy element and situation, which will poison the relationship. Understanding your unwillingness to engage in such a process can be terribly telling about you, the woman you’re with and the health of the relationship. Do you just lack the ability and confidence to conduct such a conversation? Is she incapable of mutually navigating this conversation with you? Is this issue a lesser of a greater one you’re also not facing? Failing to do so is an indication of a lack of self-respect; it undermines the relationship and does not reflect that you respect the woman you’re with to conduct one.

The Event Horizon

The events that leads to a loss of trust and affects the core of the relationship and rarely are singular events, but arise from a series of circumstances. These events will occur spontaneously and in situations in which will be awkward and socially inappropriate to engage in fully. It ultimately will be a huge mistake not to take this up. It will be a judgment call as to when to do so based upon the nature and maturity of your relationship, but keep in mind that too often much is lost in the delay. At the very least throwing in a ‘flag’ of acknowledgement of displeasure ‘Babe, we’re going to need to discuss this in private later…’ calls not only attention to it appropriately, without getting into it at that moment, but serves as a call back to when you do discuss it.

1st Time-it’s just an event, a onetime occurrence.

2nd Time– has now become a pattern as its repeated and tacit approval was given on the first one.

3rd Time– it’s now case-law for your relationship and the pattern has been accepted.

Hazardous Half Minute

The first few seconds of the interaction sets the tone for everything that follows. How you say something is vastly more important that what you say. Choose your tone, words, body language and setting carefully. In a very basic way this is an introduction, of a critical issue, but like all introductions first impressions are lasting ones…

Be respectful

People need to feel safe. As a man your job it to create that safety and protection, which means you respect them as an individual and you share mutual purpose. Ultimately it’s about the relationship, not the behavior. You can get past what happened, but not what this does to the relationship and respecting yourself through your boundaries. Make sure she realizes that you are trying to protect and secure the relationship. Describe the broken promise, the gap in expectations, or affronting behavior. Ask open-ended questions; ‘why do you think it’s OK to do/act/behave/say etc.. that?’ ‘Is this how you value and respect me/our relationship in doing so?’ ‘How am I suppose to feel/take it etc, when you do “X”?’ Work jointly to discover the underlying reasons for the broken promises, violated expectations and bad behavior. Does your partner have the tools, skills needed to communicate an underlying issue? If not be willing to work together on developing them. This is about developing healthy relationship, not just changing behavior.

Verify acceptance

After the confrontation reaffirm your value of them and their role within the relationship, but check for their commitment and agreement to change. You might be surprised at what you’ll hear… and yes, this in itself is a promise that’s meant to be kept.

Lead by example

Critical confrontations are the essence of accountability, and the foundation to highly functioning relationships. It will lend credibility to you as a man and fortify your brand, whose integrity, intent, capabilities and results can be trusted and respected.

BOUNDARY SETTING

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Respect yourself

 

Find your values

Boundaries are about defining yourself through values and respecting those values through your actions… They are the agreements (negotiations) that we set for ourselves and others. They come from a good sense of self-worth, which promotes high self-esteem and self-confidence. It is the basis of who you are. The simple corollary is that you will not have boundaries if you do not have self-respect and self-esteem. Your personal boundaries and beliefs will form the foundation of your life, as it stems from your sense of self.

Self worth is self-contained

When your sense of worth comes from others you give away your personal power. You become a victim of circumstances over which you have little or no control… you invite others to take control of your choices, and thus your life. You place yourself at their mercy. People are taken advantage of because they don’t have a sense of their own personal rights and freedoms… they allow themselves to be manipulated and intimidated by those around them due to fears of rejection, isolation or abandonment. They tolerate abuse and disrespectful treatment from others because they do not demand better for themselves, as they do not feel they are capable of more and succumb to less. By doing so you invite others to take control of your choices, and thus your life… you are at their benevolence and you become a victim of circumstances over which you have little control… Sadly, if you don’t set a baseline standard for what you’ll accept in life, you’ll find it’s easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve, to include the women you’re with.

Set your limits

Being a man means drawing boundaries and unfortunately many men come into adulthood as non-engaged with collapsed boundaries for themselves and those they allow to enter into their lives. Having healthy boundaries gives you a sense of control and power in your life, which is a hallmark of one’s leadership ability. You cannot hope to lead others without boundaries and in this society and time you will be expected to not only have well established boundaries, but engage and project them as well.

Act consciously

Your resources, time and energy are your most valuable commodities. Once spent you can never get them back and your life expectancy is limited. Utilize and exchange your time and energy, as though they were hard currency… In the process you need to quit lowering your standards  by buying cheap … Set requirements upfront so when a chick hooks she has to know you mean business, otherwise women and people in general, will treat you otherwise… be able to communicate your expectations openly “If you want to be with me, this is what you have to do, this is what it’s going to take.” If she wants a ‘real’ man, she needs to be a ‘real’ woman…and step up to you.

Leadership as a requirement

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Leadership comes in small daily acts as well as bold strokes…

Build it and they will come.

It all begins and ends with you. You lead by example. If you can’t lead yourself, you can’t lead others. It’s as simple as that and as a consequence you will be found undesirable as a mate and relationship choice by women until you develop appropriate leadership skills. Furthermore you cannot possibly be a better leader than you are a person. Leadership starts with your character development and then progresses outward from there into your vision of yourself, your life and your relationships with others.

Pissing into the wind

Regardless of the fact that women have surpassed the equality mark, women are not inclined to transition into gender equity with regards to dating. They are loath to relinquish a system in which the males takes all or at least the majority of the risk of rejection, in initiating the courtship rituals of dating. Furthermore your failure to act upon your gender assigned role of leadership, will be judged as a fitness test to your worth and viability as a mate choice. Be it as it may, if you want that girl, you’re going to have to act and demonstrate leadership attributes… the upside is you have the power of choice. You and you alone decide with whom to initiate. That is your masculine role. Her feminine role is to judge your worthiness and merit when you do. We can rail into the wind for change, but it’s likely to do little if any good.

 The King is dead…

The concept of leadership has dramatically changed and the emphasis on hard power of authoritarian and dominance is outdated, yet social dominance plays such an important role in female attraction that manipulating this variable alone can produce dramatic improvements in a man’s life, which is why there is such a strong focus on dominance traits development and practice within the seduction community. Unfortunately these same traits do not transfer well into long-term relationship traits, due to their over-use and reliance that transcends into controlling, suffocating and stifling behavior, which is a hallmark of low emotional intelligence and a pre-cursor to many a doomed relationship. While a vibrant and useful attraction trait, social dominance should not be relied upon as a cornerstone to a healthy relationship, but as a trigger for sustained attraction within a relationship.

 Rise of soft power

Today’s knowledge economy requires and demands new leadership skills and expectations requiring vastly heightened sense of emotional intelligence, relationship skills, team building, collaborations skills, consensus building, mentoring and forging strong personal connections which is incredibly indifferent to men’s historical attributes and culturally defined role models. Many analysts are arguing that men are ill-suited for the realities of not only this new economy, but the emerging society as well, as they reflect similar skills sets. The focus today in leadership is not solely in hard powers but in enhanced relationship-driven soft powers that foster trust, respect and credibility, with a dash of hard power skills where appropriate and when needed. Often this too is done with a measure of tact and diplomacy to find mutually acceptable solutions to a common challenge, as it is widely recognized as a Pyrrhic victory otherwise; a gain from winning one negotiation can be much less than the increased hostility from other parts, resulting in an overall loss. Don’t be in a situation where you win the argument to only loose the relationship with the girl.

24/7 Communication

Arguably the most important trait for a leader is the ability to communicate effectively. They master not only the craft of language, but attitude and actions to send powerful messages as well. Communication goes well beyond words. Your behavior gives people information about your disposition, opinion or mood-regardless of the words you speak. Your inner character gets expressed outwards with corresponding consequences and ramifications. The manner in which a leader communicates reveals much about your character. It can disclose your authenticity, sincerity and virtually every other aspect of your character, not just in the moments of bold and decisive decision-making.

New Patriarchy

While feminist and culture may rail against patriarchy, ultimately it is what they expect and demand that a man takes the lead not only in initiating, but throughout a relationship. But unlike the authorial stance of old, women desire a guide and an equitable stake in the relationship without outright subordination. To successfully navigate this new complex social construct, men will have to learn a great deal more leadership skills than what typically have been previously the gender defined roles. While popular culture may rail against this, women are happier when their men are men and they are the woman in the relationship.