Tag Archives: Collapsed Boundaries

21-Convention Interview Series: Socrates: A Documentary for Manning Up Smart

Posted on by
1

Image 21 Convention Socrates Documentary

 

 

 

 

I’m pleased to announce that Anthony Johnson CEO, founder and visionary of the 21-Convention has just released the edited version of the 21-Convention Interview Series, that featured an interview we conducted for over four hours in early April. We were given a quick peek at pre-production release mid-May and many of us were highly anticipating the final edited release. I know I was! Well, wait no more!

Video link

This is really a very surreal moment in my life for me. I never anticipated anything like this, whether it was the experiences that I gained by actively trying to improve my life, the deep personal friendships that I gained, the camaraderie, the knowledge that I’ve helped people along the same path others helped me or even getting to the point where almost strangers (and now complete strangers) are seeking out your guidance, opinion or knowledge and experience within this world of dating, sex, relationships, personal development, life and life style management. I was honored and frightened at the prospects of being asked to initially speak at the 21-Convention. (click video image to watch to video)

 

Video Link

Having been the lead off speaker and attending the entire 21-Convention, meeting the attendees, sharing personal stories, fielding and asking questions, personal inquires, and the general batting around of a multitude of ideas, thoughts and concepts, I walked away realizing that I had a lot to say and a lot to give back to the men’s community.

I initially started by compiling my personal data bank of notes that I’ve taken over the course of several years and posting on more than one forum regarding inner game and relationship development. I quickly came to two conclusions; The first was that in many ways what I had to say was either not appropriate for those forums or I very much risked hijacking it. I needed my own place on the net dedicated to these thoughts, ideas and beliefs that was not going to compete with a hosted forum. The second is that the underlying wealth of collected information was so much that it wasn’t going to be easily collected, documented and edited. I simply wasn’t happy just blasting the information without a filtered awareness behind the notes and comments I collected or researched. This lead me to creating this blog. A site dedicated to the concept that committed relationships with women are healthy, natural and essential to our society and culture at large. This endeavor though should not be taken lightly or ignorantly. The results of doing so today are all around us and I personally find the consequences repugnant.

I have no illusions that I alone will be able to effect change, but I am consciously aware of the dramatic changes that have and do take place individually. I am surrounded by it. In my own life, in the lives of the men I choose to call friends and those that have sought out my and others help in assisting them along in their journey, though understanding and experiencing their life. I have made it my goal and mission to reach out and touch the lives of a thousand men, to make a difference in their lives, in their relationships and their family structure.

The 21-Convention has been an incredible initiator and incubator for establishing that concept for me, as it is also an amazing vehicle for delivering that message and content. And while I may be a speaker at these events, I am also very much an attendee and student myself, as I have and do take away so much from attending these conferences. If you are looking to find a direction in your life, to find inspiration, to achieve the idealized version of your self, as defined by you, this is the place for you.

 

 

Attend 21-Convention link

CRITICAL CONFRONTATIONS – the essence of accountability

Posted on by
Reply

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret”

Critical confrontations are tools for resolving broken promises, violated expectations and bad behavior. As a man, you will be expected to showcase your leadership skills, within the relationship, by conducting tough dialogue, at tough times, that produces not only an agreeable solution but one that strengthens the respect, trust and value that the two of you hold for each other all while doing so.

Relationships are about engaging each other…

Most people avoid conflict because they lack both the will, and more importantly the confident ability to successfully navigate the treacherous waters that conflicts lay in. They more or less accurately assess their lack of abilities for the situation at hand. They are simply out of their depths and fear any action taken will worsen the situation. Unfortunately doing nothing, does nothing to solve the issue and reinforces the notion that you’ve just provided tacit approval for the issue at hand. By conducting critical confrontations for minor breaches of boundaries, beginning with friends, family, co-workers and associates, where the threat of loss or intimidation is low, one can develop not only the essential skill of establishing boundaries, but emotional toughness, self-respect and self-esteem that comes from having done so, that will pay massive dividends when dealing with a loved one, in a highly emotionally charged, invested and at risk situation.

Stop keeping the peace at your expense…

Learn that some conflict is healthy. Underlying tension and conflict within a relationship indicates a required communication point, which isn’t unhealthy, but left un-communicated it will grow into an unhealthy element and situation, which will poison the relationship. Understanding your unwillingness to engage in such a process can be terribly telling about you, the woman you’re with and the health of the relationship. Do you just lack the ability and confidence to conduct such a conversation? Is she incapable of mutually navigating this conversation with you? Is this issue a lesser of a greater one you’re also not facing? Failing to do so is an indication of a lack of self-respect; it undermines the relationship and does not reflect that you respect the woman you’re with to conduct one.

The Event Horizon

The events that leads to a loss of trust and affects the core of the relationship and rarely are singular events, but arise from a series of circumstances. These events will occur spontaneously and in situations in which will be awkward and socially inappropriate to engage in fully. It ultimately will be a huge mistake not to take this up. It will be a judgment call as to when to do so based upon the nature and maturity of your relationship, but keep in mind that too often much is lost in the delay. At the very least throwing in a ‘flag’ of acknowledgement of displeasure ‘Babe, we’re going to need to discuss this in private later…’ calls not only attention to it appropriately, without getting into it at that moment, but serves as a call back to when you do discuss it.

1st Time-it’s just an event, a onetime occurrence.

2nd Time– has now become a pattern as its repeated and tacit approval was given on the first one.

3rd Time– it’s now case-law for your relationship and the pattern has been accepted.

Hazardous Half Minute

The first few seconds of the interaction sets the tone for everything that follows. How you say something is vastly more important that what you say. Choose your tone, words, body language and setting carefully. In a very basic way this is an introduction, of a critical issue, but like all introductions first impressions are lasting ones…

Be respectful

People need to feel safe. As a man your job it to create that safety and protection, which means you respect them as an individual and you share mutual purpose. Ultimately it’s about the relationship, not the behavior. You can get past what happened, but not what this does to the relationship and respecting yourself through your boundaries. Make sure she realizes that you are trying to protect and secure the relationship. Describe the broken promise, the gap in expectations, or affronting behavior. Ask open-ended questions; ‘why do you think it’s OK to do/act/behave/say etc.. that?’ ‘Is this how you value and respect me/our relationship in doing so?’ ‘How am I suppose to feel/take it etc, when you do “X”?’ Work jointly to discover the underlying reasons for the broken promises, violated expectations and bad behavior. Does your partner have the tools, skills needed to communicate an underlying issue? If not be willing to work together on developing them. This is about developing healthy relationship, not just changing behavior.

Verify acceptance

After the confrontation reaffirm your value of them and their role within the relationship, but check for their commitment and agreement to change. You might be surprised at what you’ll hear… and yes, this in itself is a promise that’s meant to be kept.

Lead by example

Critical confrontations are the essence of accountability, and the foundation to highly functioning relationships. It will lend credibility to you as a man and fortify your brand, whose integrity, intent, capabilities and results can be trusted and respected.

BOUNDARY SETTING

Posted on by
Reply

Respect yourself

 

Find your values

Boundaries are about defining yourself through values and respecting those values through your actions… They are the agreements (negotiations) that we set for ourselves and others. They come from a good sense of self-worth, which promotes high self-esteem and self-confidence. It is the basis of who you are. The simple corollary is that you will not have boundaries if you do not have self-respect and self-esteem. Your personal boundaries and beliefs will form the foundation of your life, as it stems from your sense of self.

Self worth is self-contained

When your sense of worth comes from others you give away your personal power. You become a victim of circumstances over which you have little or no control… you invite others to take control of your choices, and thus your life. You place yourself at their mercy. People are taken advantage of because they don’t have a sense of their own personal rights and freedoms… they allow themselves to be manipulated and intimidated by those around them due to fears of rejection, isolation or abandonment. They tolerate abuse and disrespectful treatment from others because they do not demand better for themselves, as they do not feel they are capable of more and succumb to less. By doing so you invite others to take control of your choices, and thus your life… you are at their benevolence and you become a victim of circumstances over which you have little control… Sadly, if you don’t set a baseline standard for what you’ll accept in life, you’ll find it’s easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve, to include the women you’re with.

Set your limits

Being a man means drawing boundaries and unfortunately many men come into adulthood as non-engaged with collapsed boundaries for themselves and those they allow to enter into their lives. Having healthy boundaries gives you a sense of control and power in your life, which is a hallmark of one’s leadership ability. You cannot hope to lead others without boundaries and in this society and time you will be expected to not only have well established boundaries, but engage and project them as well.

Act consciously

Your resources, time and energy are your most valuable commodities. Once spent you can never get them back and your life expectancy is limited. Utilize and exchange your time and energy, as though they were hard currency… In the process you need to quit lowering your standards  by buying cheap … Set requirements upfront so when a chick hooks she has to know you mean business, otherwise women and people in general, will treat you otherwise… be able to communicate your expectations openly “If you want to be with me, this is what you have to do, this is what it’s going to take.” If she wants a ‘real’ man, she needs to be a ‘real’ woman…and step up to you.