A Sunday afternoon spent in the Church of Splendor…
Sat down late this morning to wrap up my next blog post on ‘maintaining relationship quality’, which I’ve started and stopped a half-dozen times in the last three months… started to listen to this podcast from two mutual friends, to hear their voices again and immerse myself in the context of writing about ideas… and got lost hearing and being reaffirmed by shared values expressed in the podcast. Greg calls this church (the behavioral action of repeatedly going back again and again to remind yourself of what your values and virtues are and the acts of pursuing them). The more I think upon that and so many other ideas and convictions he shares the more I have to re-think so many ideas and ideals I once held so profoundly close. At times I’m uncomfortable with where I come up out of the rabbit hole, but I then remind myself that there is no growth in the comfort zone…
With all that being said, if I fail to post this evening it’s because I’ve chosen to spend more time with my friends, their ideas and contemplating those values as they are expressed in my life… and right now that is the most likely outcome…
Boundaries are about defining yourself through values and respecting those values through your actions… They are the agreements (negotiations) that we set for ourselves and others. They come from a good sense of self-worth, which promotes high self-esteem and self-confidence. It is the basis of who you are. The simple corollary is that you will not have boundaries if you do not have self-respect and self-esteem. Your personal boundaries and beliefs will form the foundation of your life, as it stems from your sense of self.
Self worth is self-contained
When your sense of worth comes from others you give away your personal power. You become a victim of circumstances over which you have little or no control… you invite others to take control of your choices, and thus your life. You place yourself at their mercy. People are taken advantage of because they don’t have a sense of their own personal rights and freedoms… they allow themselves to be manipulated and intimidated by those around them due to fears of rejection, isolation or abandonment. They tolerate abuse and disrespectful treatment from others because they do not demand better for themselves, as they do not feel they are capable of more and succumb to less. By doing so you invite others to take control of your choices, and thus your life… you are at their benevolence and you become a victim of circumstances over which you have little control… Sadly, if you don’t set a baseline standard for what you’ll accept in life, you’ll find it’s easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve, to include the women you’re with.
Set your limits
Being a man means drawing boundaries and unfortunately many men come into adulthood as non-engaged with collapsed boundaries for themselves and those they allow to enter into their lives. Having healthy boundaries gives you a sense of control and power in your life, which is a hallmark of one’s leadership ability. You cannot hope to lead others without boundaries and in this society and time you will be expected to not only have well established boundaries, but engage and project them as well.
Your resources, time and energy are your most valuable commodities. Once spent you can never get them back and your life expectancy is limited. Utilize and exchange your time and energy, as though they were hard currency… In the process you need to quit lowering your standards by buying cheap … Set requirements upfront so when a chick hooks she has to know you mean business, otherwise women and people in general, will treat you otherwise… be able to communicate your expectations openly “If you want to be with me, this is what you have to do, this is what it’s going to take.” If she wants a ‘real’ man, she needs to be a ‘real’ woman…and step up to you.