Relationship skills as life skills

Isn’t it disturbing that people need coaching, teaching and lessons in socialization?

Just like your Father…

Parental influence on children are fundamental and serve as the foundation to a child’s social development and competence, as the parents are the immediate models for the child and they will pattern their behavior to them, often mimicking the styles and attitudes of the parent, even the lack thereof. Children coming from a broken home are at a severe disadvantage, due not only to the lack of a second parental figure to model to learn and develop from, but are taught initially to have a lack of confidence in a stable and secure relationships from the onset by their parents example. Their parents have defined the child’s expectations through their own failed relationship and any continued follow on catastrophe as it plays out over the years and typically they do.

Masculine behavior measured by a feminine ruler…

Our educational system picks up and furthers that development through a vastly increased everyday experiences with peer socialization and formal education. Unfortunately in the last 30 years there has been a markedly shift away from progressive social skills education emphasis being taught in schools and a return to ‘traditional’ education of the three-R’s, while at the same time being increasingly feminine centric in its gender bias. Our school systems just are not teaching social skills, but obedience and conformity, and specifically supplication to the feminine imperative.

The Princess club…

All this of course is under the shadow of a culture based education which reflects, validates and promotes the values and world views of popular culture at large, which presents males with a misandric world, that marginalized and devalues males and in particular fathers, while implying that males are incompetent and incapable of learning social skills to function in an ever growing feminine centric society. These notions are reinforced when little girls learn social skills through everyday experiences and they are recognized, rewarded and promoted by society and culture for doing so. Males are not, nor are they expected to, which highly affects their development and social competencies.

The Players Utopia…

Inexplicably men are then yet tasked and expected to take the lead socially in initiating, developing, fostering and sustaining relationships with women in the dating market place. Women then fall victim to the misandric errors of a society and culture that promotes vulnerable, insecure, under-developed men who lack the capacity to provide women with the relationships that they desire and demand. Is it any wonder our divorce rate isn’t greater than 54%? Not only are males hobbled by society and culture for developing appropriate social skills for what is ultimately expected of them, but the incentives for relationships, marriage and child rearing, are also stripped away from men; it is vastly easier to learn a smattering of game, ‘pump & dump’ and ‘next’ the chick… wash, rinse and repeat ad infinitum.

The Soft Skills

While once considered “soft” skills (cluster of personality traits and attributes that enhance an individual’s interactions with others) that some simply possessed naturally, relationship skills are something that can indeed, need to be learned and are immensely applicable both in one’s personal and professional life. Businesses have long ago realized that training staff on these skills enhances productivity, collaboration and organizational success. It is now being suggested that in a number of professions (virtually all), soft skills may be more important over the long-term than occupational skills, to which the individual may be directly employed and if current business trends continue, the demand for these skills will be on the rise.

What are they?

Relationship skills are any skills facilitating interaction, communication and relationship development and sustainment with others. They are a combination of the ability to understand and manage one’s own emotional state and the ability to understand and respond to other people. While the skills include understanding and using social conventions, it also includes the ability to understand the “Hidden Curriculum”, the ways in which peers communicate and interact, informal rules of behavior, conduct and social hierarchy and the ability to build appropriate relationships between those. They are central to most forms and styles of leadership and are dependent upon for collaboration, which is at the heart of any healthy romantic relationship. Simply put, men who are not socialized, socially calibrated and can exhibit a measurement of leadership ability, are not desirable as mates to women. Women will simply screen them out and choose other men who do. If you truly want and desire a relationship, becoming socialized, socially calibrated and learning to develop your own leadership style and skills is absolutely essential.

Back to basics…

The first step to building more effective relationships starts with being practical and assessing your own abilities. Start paying attention to how you interact with others, your friends, family, co-workers and strangers. Look into your own failed relationships and gleam what you can from them by performing an relationship autopsy. Gauge your own abilities, strength and weaknesses and be consciously aware of your aptitudes when dealing with people. Look to make specific improvements in specific areas that you identify. Self educate yourself. Develop a personal curriculum. Scour multiple resources, compile your notes in a central location and journal about your efforts to improve. Work at it daily, as small continued efforts typically outweigh the result of a single sustained push. Begin to understand yourself and how you moderate your responses to people, events and circumstances. Take yourselfyou’re your education seriously. Learn to communicate more effectively and empathically accurately (accurately understanding people, which is done by listening and reflective questioning, realize that many of these skills will be and are communicated non-verbally; it will be through behavior, attitude and tone. Realize the enormity of the undertaking in which you are partaking, but take it one step at a time. Have fun with it. Make it a hobby. As with most goals people vastly over-estimate what they can accomplish in a year’s time, but grossly under-estimate what they can achieve in five… Over the course of a normal life, that is very little investment for a life time of effected change.

The alternative

Learning social skills can reduce the stress and consequences from having a lack of social skills (getting it right) or a failure of correct skills; grief, agony, despair associated with a failed relationship and limitations within a career or professional life. Want to get over that girl who broke your heart. Work at being a better man than you were when she hurt you, when your combined skills were not enough to maintain or salvage a relationship. Doing so will build real confidence, increase your opportunities and limit your potential failures…

Food for thought

As women have successfully advanced in terms of education (where for every two men who earn a B.A. three women do) and the work place, as women currently claim over half of the work force, they have at the same time vastly reduced the pool of eligible males that would satisfy their hypergamy (female imperative to marry up) as there are fewer men that will meet their increasing criteria and demands (spinsterhood syndrome). When women have become significantly financially empowered, they begin to choose men based on criteria other than their ability to provide, and while there is a markedly increase in desire for better looking males (and game), those avoiding playing the phallus field seek out older, but attractive accomplished men. Although there is still preponderance for hypergamy, as a reversal of hardwired sex roles are hugely unpopular and widely undesirable, women still seek older men of status. The seniority of the male brings a measure of calm confidence of experience, knowledge and relationship skills that provides a powerful vagina tingle to the female hindbrain… Remember a man isn’t made in a day, he’s created over a life time…

…it’s never too early to start beefing up your obituary.

Developing your game…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”

 

Since the dawn of time…

Game has always been around. Whether it was employed in the form of ‘sneaky breeders’ from the anthropological evolutionary standpoint or in the form of courtly sonnets of Troubadours, or the conscientious seduction efforts to lead women astray, by legendary lovers such as Casanova and the fictional libertine Don Juan, game has always been with us. Historically it has been employed by few men, as the nature of life and the social contracts that existed within society functioned and for those that it didn’t, there wasn’t any other option. For a lucky few who were in an economic and social class that allowed them the opportunities to circumvent the traditional sources of male values (status, power and wealth) ‘game’ existed and they benefited from it.

Modern mass media has created the opportunity for this awareness and knowledge, to be shared amongst interested parties, in a manner that previously unthought-of and un-heard-of. While what we now know as ‘Game’, was never canonized, the tenants have been rediscovered and confirmed through simple behaviorism, observable results and modified social experiments, at a personal level, which often is paralleled and verified, through access to actual public domain scientific social experiments, until a relatively predictable and usable concepts and stratagems are produced. Much of this stands in stark contrast to personal and social norms, expectations and acceptance, as it simply does not paint a pretty picture of human socio-sexual behavior on many levels.

Knowing is half the battle…

What you are doing is not working. Your results in the Sexual Market Place are a reflection of your beliefs, attitudes and your actions reflect those beliefs. They are simply ineffective for the socio-situation, in which you are party to. As the agent of your life, you need to take accountability and authorship for this or honestly embrace getting more of what you’re already achieving. You can’t change society, but you can change and work on your responses to it and in response to your direct situation. The first step in changing this reality comes from educating yourself and personally verifying the concepts associated with ‘game’, so that they become self-evident and can thus be then truly applied for good effect and more importantly specifically refined to you and your situation. Without an underlying fundamental belief and conviction in what you are doing and why you are performing those functions, you are simply a beggar at a buffet which contains a number of poisons.

Becoming the commodity she’s looking for…

Game works and in its simplest form is nothing more than a direct response to the Sexual Market Place and female hypergamy (the female desire to date/marry/mate with a male at or above her socio-economic level) and becoming a vastly better more social you. ‘Game’ and its working elements are nothing more than your actions to increase your ‘eligibility’ for female attraction and selection. Mom, got some of it right. You do need to put your best foot forward. You need to be confident in who and what you are and what you have to offer not only the woman you fancy, but the world in general. What Mom doesn’t understand or comprehend is the upheaval and transformation that has taken place with the social contract in society and their ramifications to you directly. Dating used to be an end to a means- marriage, children and family creation, not any more. Learning about the SMP and how you factor in it is essential reading and knowledge. Understanding it is critical. You’re a ‘No-Go!’ until you do. To do so otherwise is to risk peril at your own jeopardy, as the downfalls and traps of ‘Game’ and the ‘Community’ are well-known.

The Golden tenant of game…

The golden tenant of game is that a woman will sleep with you and desire a relationship with you, if your value exceeds their attraction threshold. In a business sense, this is a combination of business development and sales all rolled into one. In short, if you don’t have the ability to interact with, entice, and compel a woman to invest herself with your time, presence and services, you’re not in business and you have no hopes at gaining and being in a committed relationship. While the ‘Community’ has historically focused primarily upon the social skills development aspect of female attraction and selection criteria, there are three major areas in which a man can focus his attention and energies to increase his value and thus improving his options both quantitatively and qualitatively with women.

Physical Development

The impact and influence of your physique upon a woman’s attraction and selection criteria are immense. The better looking, either genetically or developed sense of hygiene, style and fashion will play an enormous role in a woman’s choice, as does the level of your physical fitness and physical development. It is so obvious it goes without saying, but consequently it is one of those realms that people refuse to acknowledge or attune to, because like psychological development requires discipline, work and perseverance. As immediate and powerful as this criterion is for women, they will gradually perceive a man’s looks to a lesser degree, if he possesses other attractive and desirable traits, but he needs continued opportunity to showcase those. Too often that chance won’t materialize for most men, as their physical impressions will be their only ones. While the crux of ‘game’ is that you can influence perceive opinions of women by projecting confidence, demeanor and attitude of a more physically fit or higher social status male, it is often simpler and more effective to actually get into shape, develop a sense and flair for fashion and be well-groomed. When you do, the confidence, demeanor and attitudes will be real and won’t have to be feigned, as faking it is not very effective over the long-term.

Lifestyle Development

Your lifestyle has unbelievable influence with who will be attracted to you, as it will be a natural reflection of who you are and the values you have, as they are readily exhibited. A man’s value is intrinsic to him because of what he makes himself into and through what he does with his life, independent of a woman. A man’s value exists because of what he is and what he does. Developing and shaping your life path is one of the most important objectives you will have in life beyond taking care of your physical, emotional and psychological needs. Your life, your home and the world in which you beckon her to enter and become a part of, will be a manifestation of all this.

Social Skills

The genera of social skills development is truly immense, with fractured niche developments for what seems to be an almost every realm conceivable and growing daily… a major allied component to this is developing a set of rules of engagement (frame) that you will live, date and operate by. It is your basis and criteria of living and becomes your overall theme for how you go about living your life, through establishing a bedrock of standards and qualifications for everything in your life, to include women and your relationships with them. Of equal importance here is your ability and nature to communicate those standards to people and specifically with women and manage the adherence to them. You determine and manage this. You implicitly state “this is my life. If you want to be part of it, here is what is involved and expected.” If not, you must be willing to let her go and walk away from what is not working. In essence you need to make a woman demonstrate her worthiness before you invest and or commit to her. Quality is never achieved by lowering standards. This is especially true for yourself as well. The overall premise of your relationships needs to be led and molded by you. Not only do women want this, they crave it.

“As you wish”…

There are countless numbers of men who wanting to be boyfriends, husbands and fathers-to-be, are sitting on the sidelines of the Sexual Market Place (SMP), that are never taught the methods or developed the confidence needed to pursue women effectively in this current environment. If women are serious about wanting beta traits in men, they’re going to have to go find them and show them they are valuable. The problem is they are not. They are getting more of what they sleep with and savvy men are recognizing that to get the type of woman they want, they need to exhibit more of the traits of the men she actually chooses (the rise of douchebaggery). Thus we have the mainstream rise of ‘game’. Like it or not, Princess Buttercup chose the dread pirate Roberts over both Westley (farm-boy), who supplicated to her every demand and Prince Humperdinck who lacks all manner of wit, charm and enticing social skills, but relies upon obtuse forms of status, wealth and power to achieve his seduction. While a fictionalized story, it does play upon the satire of human nature and it is a tune that rings a little too true. In this day and age, it is the scoundrel that attracts the Princess Bride…

Filtering and Screening for healthy productive relationships

Image of Sirens in a lake

Don’t alter your course for the Sirens…

 

Take responsibility…

Much as in like golf, people play through with their unresolved personal issues, social constructs and dating strategies based solely upon attraction… In other words, their show must go on…inevitably to horribly predictable conclusions. Without the very real sense that ultimately your life and where it takes you is vastly more important than getting laid, you will never foster and develop healthy productive relationships for yourself and the consequences of those decisions will affect the quality and nature of your future.

Profits are made at the buy…

In business the profits are made at the ‘buy’ not the ‘sell’… People with poor ‘fundamentals’ are not going to be assets in your life or their own… The clearest indication of this is when you look into the nature of both their physical and emotional make up of their lives… Train wrecks show themselves for what they are. Often they will even proudly tell you…  You should develop the revulsion towards an emotional diseased soul, as much as a physically diseased one… Do you truly not value yourself to the degree that you would emotionally partner yourself with a leper?  Habitually men don’t…

Avoidance over repair…

Learn to accept people for who and what they are, rather than addressing their potential. People seldom change on their own accord until it completely doesn’t work anymore… They’ve crafted their lives and what they are doing works for them… where it doesn’t, the loss isn’t enough to motivate or spark a desire for behavior or choice modification. Unfortunately not only does that mean you’re going to be in store for a really shitty ride up until that point, but more likely than not, loosing you and the relationship with you, will have less value than instigating change and being accountable for their lives. Don’t bother trying to fix a situation you should have avoided in the first place…

Addiction avoidance…

Making life altering decisions while inebriated is a dangerous thing to do, but much like drinking and driving, men tend to mix and indulge in the deadly cocktail of attraction, sexual gratification and validation, when choosing to let a woman into their lives… or justify the actions afterwards by focusing upon these criteria post colitis. Learning to remove a woman’s ‘sexual appeal’ and ‘sex availability’ from the emotional equation will help put into perspective what other traits she brings to the table… In simpler practice stop fucking emotionally undesirable women! We get more of what we place value in… and sexually desiring and fucking has considerable value… Want less narcissistic, self-indulgent, entitled bitch behavior? Stop feeding into it! Starve it out of women… make them go home alone, masturbate and cry themselves to sleep wondering why they can’t find a ‘good’ man (New American Spinsterhood Syndrome). Put value ( your time, energy and commitment) into where it is earned… and you’ll notice a remarkable change not only in your own life, but also the SMP (Sexual Market Place).

Developing a road map…

Your ultimate goals are the driving force behind most of your actions… having a clear vision of what type of life you want to live and the type of relationship that you will find fulfilling, invigorating and desirable will help you with knowing which direction to swim in the SMP… It will highlight passing comments or phrases that are parsed out during routine conversations that you can pick up on and follow-up with, as you investigate the personality of the individual you’re engaging.  In panning for healthy relationships prospects, we need to focus upon the finding of healthy desirable women and cherishing those, the gems, and not jading ourselves upon the silt of humanity that invariably make up so much of the current SMP.  Ultimately one doesn’t find gold while playing with shit…

THE VALUE OF INTIMATE (committed monogamous) PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Picture of couple holding hands

THE VALUE OF INTIMATE (committed monogamous) PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

So much of the men’s community is so focused on the male biological prerogative (picking up and fucking women) and to a degree on inner personal development, that it blindly shuns the notion of men’s desires and needs emotionally to be in relationships. This is a gross error, but one that is understandable when viewed with the prismatic lens of men’s movement history- which has too often been forced underground and yet proudly trumpets its anti-cultural/social underpinnings.

The reality is that for most men, they desperately want, need and desire to be in a committed relationship, with a woman of their choice, but unfortunately completely lack the knowledge, resources and abilities to do much about it. To make matters worse society and women are not in your corner…

Most men are presented with a choice… in Matrix parlance either swallow the ‘red pill’ or ‘blue pill’… embrace the ‘realities of life’ or stay ignorant. Of course ‘red pill’ always means embracing the sexual market place (SMP) as it is, learning game, developing ‘Alpha’ traits and fully committing yourself to a life of pumping and dumping as many women as you can… without any thought or possibility of maintaining a relationship with a woman of your desires other than a soft harem of rotating women…

Too often the men’s community is filled with social misfits, oddities and the just outright deranged… This isn’t really a fair statement, because it isn’t true, but the socially inept do stand out and they make people anxious and nervous to have them around, they get branded as such and so too does the community. The underpinnings of this, of course are obvious…. These people lack social skills… they lack relationship skills… and while the community has been outstanding (and notorious) for developing a measure of social skills it has been negligent in fostering the same spirit when it comes to developing and nurturing relationships skills.

When I had the opportunity to speak at the 21 Convention, which squarely has its roots, but has grown vastly beyond the pick-up community, I knew I would be speaking against the winds of popular opinion (Pick-up community) when championing relationship skills development. As such, I spent a considerable degree of time talking about the fertile ground relationships are for self development and men actualizing their lives as they envision them. The following is a general list of some of them;

You have to be in them to understand them.

No amount of keyboard jockeying will substitute for real world experience and application. If you ultimately want to be in a relationship, developing those skills BEFORE you’re in one, might be something you want to consider… Being in a relationship is not like observing one; being in one changes your decision making value process. You literally see and feel things differently when you’re in them as opposed to being an observer of them. While you can study them academically, being in one takes it to a completely different level. Very much like how you can learn and study on how to approach a woman, there is no substitute for field work. Same for relationships.

Acts committed without risk hold little value.

As long as you have a safety net you act without commitment- (being vulnerable and invested to one person or situation). Only acts undertaken with commitment have meaning… Only your best effort matters… No one applauds the tenor for clearing his throat. Furthermore, you cannot numb selective senses without imparting similar results to other senses… Shield yourself from vulnerability and you shield yourself from the benefits of intimacy… and those benefits are many. The greatest of which is your own humanity.

The biggest failures of the community

Most men do not go out looking for a girlfriend, but end up with one… worse yet a wife!!! If ultimately this is important to you, shouldn’t you have an understanding of how to achieve the end point (goal) other than serendipity? Most goals are achieved by having the end result in mind. No difference here, even if it’s just to improve the quality and nature of the relationships you do have.

Second most important investment of your life…

The most important investment you’ll ever have is the investments you place on yourself, the second is the relationships you maintain for life, and expressly the choice of a life partner. Your destiny hinges upon those choices… approaching them as such isn’t just smart, it’s wise…

The mirror to the self

Relationship can be amazing mirrors to the reflections of your own values, needs and abilities. They are snapshots of where you are currently at, what you’re able to develop and achieve and reflective of the values you hold. Life has a way of telling you where you’re at… Listen when life is telling you something… I learned long ago when in the Arizona desert that when you’re quite, the desert will speak. Life will speak too when you actively listen to it.

They will showcase a number elements if evaluated.

Your emotional baggage- we project onto our partners anything unresolved at a deeper level. “You complete me” is an outreach from this notion. How you think and regard yourself, others and the quality of your life. Your relationships will indicate maturity development that may need to be expanded and developed.

They are amazing testing grounds.

They will showcase your real abilities in action and under pressure. Knowledge of an issue isn’t enough. Knowledge coupled with appropriate action is. It is also well known that stress and hardship clarify commitment and awareness of those risks. You really learn who you really are during hardships.

They showcase your aspirations and dreams.

The nature and quality of your relationships will also be a reflection of your life’s ambitions… Just as ‘Steel sharpens steel’ and ‘Like attracts like’ healthy relationships will share similar values, outlooks and ambitions typically of your own. The nature of the relationship as well as whom you chose to have a relationship with will be telling of where your steering your life.

This is where the damage is done!

This can’t be overstated enough. This is where you get hurt. This is where you hurt others. Emotionally. Financially. Culturally. Often for life. The more invested you are in a relationship, the more you project your sense of self in the relationship, the more dependent upon the relationship, the more apt you are to be seriously hurt. This is where the power of injury not only can shape the life of an individual, but families, children, society and our culture. Preservation through avoidance and abstinence isn’t the answer though. Developing appropriate skills sets, awareness, and knowledge is. If we are to truly change our lives, our personal narratives, our legacy and family trees (through our children), we need to realize and develop our relationships so they are healthy and vibrant.

Developing a culture of failure.

You will make mistakes. While you cannot change the past, you can learn from it. You make your mistakes worse by staying blind to your own errors. Learning to fail without becoming a failure is an essential success trait. It’s frighteningly easy to choose the wrong person. Attraction and chemistry mixed with familiarity and sentimentality are easily mistaken for love, but they are far from the same thing. A failed relationship will underscore your weakness in a huge number of interpersonal skills. Learn to be able to identify those to then be able to address and develop them. Pair this with your strengths of what you did well and stand out in the relationship. Often they are traits you would not normally have identified as your strong suite.

Winning the client again, and again, and again.

I might be inherently lazy, but there’s just sheer economic sense in investing in quality relationships that you want to maintain for the numerous benefits that are inherent in a committed relationship. I simply have no illusion that I want to find a fantastic gal and then replace her immediately with someone else the next day… I don’t operate naturally that way, and nor do I think most guys do. The alternative is you’ve got to kill for your dinner each night. That gets old really quick, and it’s highly improbable. While ruthless economic efficiency and efficacy rules here it’s still a solid reason none the less… The real reality is that I firmly believe that guys don’t have a commitment problem… We have a commitment problem when we feel we’re committing to anything less than what we really want… Learn to develop the knowledge, skills and mindset to go after what you really want, rather than a pacifier.

Highs and low of your life have little to do with fucking…

Each of us invariably will have moments in our lives that will define a time in which we will be at an extreme high or low and several experiences near those. At times like those I doubt anyone truly wants to be standing on their own. These will be deeply troubling, soul searching moments and moment of extreme personal achievement at the end of the road less taken by. The notion that last night’s one night stand, no matter how amazing the fucking will play anything but a marginal role in those events to you is absurd. The true meaning of loneliness won’t be realized until you are at one of those points and utterly alone to contemplate and to endure it alone… Don’t be so foolishly cocksure that you ultimately regret it…

Towards a New Sexual Market Place…

Picture of a Candle in the Dark

 

 

 

 

 

 

“It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness”- Chinese proverb

For those of us in it, the Sexual Market Place (SMP) is a screwed up place… we intuitively feel what’s going on, but may not fully understand it. We’re inundated with poor advice from those that are detached from realities of the SMP, have social agendas, or just simply clueless, that the advice they give would be laughable, if not for the very real damage it’s creating. We are faced with poor advice, heady goals and the opposing stark realities, in a very unforgiving dating environment. We reach out into this darkness and try to grope our way through it… too often with disastrous results.

Sexual Freedom… that would summarize the current Sexual Market Place and was fostered and created by a number of sociological events and drivers that came about and together in the last 50 years, to what we now have and would currently recognize. Freedom implies a choice… and with that choice comes the opportunity to create the sexual life you want. That freedom is also re-writing the social rules, contracts and assumptions upon which men and women relied upon to engage each other in the pursuit of committed monogamous relationships.

These assumptions of old, no longer hold sway, which creates an immense amount of ambiguity. This ambiguity is compounded by the multitude of possibilities, interests and lack of shared assumptions which leads to mass confusion. There are no rules for the road for this SMP. It is as though the driving laws were suspended on the highways of life, love and happiness. In fact they have not been re-written, but removed. The social implications of this are astounding.

I can scream, wail and rail into this social wind of change, but I will affect little change, maybe some awareness, but little else. Or I could do something else…

I have always been fascinated by the location of events where minds gathered and creative ideas took to life and shed new light on old ideas and ways of doing things. They always seemed to stem from just a few minds that interacted to set the world ablaze. Where historically those minds needed the physical presence of the others, we don’t live in a world with those constraints. We don’t have to physically meet over beers or coffee in ale and coffee houses of old, to share thoughts and ideas that will give birth to new enlightenment. We also live in a time when we have precedence for just a few people to shape a concept into a new reality that sparks a revolution. That is a rich inheritance of existence that I intend to exploit.

This blog is intended to be utilized as a meeting place and stepping stone for men who desire to shape and author their lives and embrace the responsibilities in having committed relationships. In effect, those wishing to ‘Man Up!’, but doing so with wisdom and honed ability.

I hope to be but one voice, reaching a thousand lives, that will drive a revolution….