Emotional Needs Communication

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I was not a lion, but it fell to me to give a lion’s roar.

You needs, wants and desires matter. They should matter to you. They should matter to your partner. They should matter to society. If your needs, wants and desires don’t matter, the message is you don’t matter. If that is the case, that needs to change (period) and it needs to start now!

 A modern evolutionary fitness test…

We cannot expect un-expressed needs to be accurately fulfilled, if we don’t communicate them. When important relationship emotional needs go unrecognized, are continuously ignored or devalued, emotional distress and relationship problems result, often taking the form of communication breakdowns and emotional disconnection leading to the whole calamity of relationship breakdown and failure. Not having the balls to speak up, especially to yourself about your needs, wants and desires is an evolutionary failure. You simply are not at a basic level providing for yourself… What society, woman or child can expect you to “Man-Up!” to them, your responsibilities, or promises, if you first cannot “Man-Up!” to yourself?

A lion’s roar

We must take responsibility for ensuring our needs, wants and desires are not jut communicated, but interpreted in the manner we intend.

 Be aware of your objective

Understand what it is that you’re trying to actually accomplish. What is the purpose of the communication? For example, it is foolish to focus on behavior tasks (closing of cabinet cupboards doors) if the real purpose of the communication is really about respect and consideration (a respect for your shared living environment and unmet expectations of personal behaviors while living together).

 Be honest about your own needs

If we are not clear or honest about our needs when we are communicating, the message will get lost. Much like the mail, we need to accurately address the intended destination to have our message delivered properly. Without a doubt, at times this will be very difficult emotionally to initiate, but it is incredibly important to have the personal courage, conviction and respect of yourself to enact.

 Communicate in the positive

Requests framed in the negative; e.g. “don’t do…” sets a negative tone, doesn’t inspire change, and repeated often enough it becomes debilitating to the health of the relationship. For instance, If you’re trying to get your partner to change their sexual performance, instead of saying “Baby, don’t use your teeth!”, it’s vastly better received if you state “Baby, remember to use your tongue!”. You can capitalize on this emotional momentum by showing displays of gratitude, which are appropriate rewards and powerful motivators to further promote desired change.

Speaking of displays of gratitude and powerful motivators to promote change (this is for all my female readers); random, frequent and gratuitous acts of oral sex is the male equilivant of giving a woman flowers… we can never get enough of them, it tells us we’re special to you and we love the women who do so. It cost so little, but means so much and goes so far! Do take note and let me know your results.

 Message confirmation

Often we cannot be certain how of if our message is being received. During these times, particularly if the message is critical, it is advisable to get feedback or confirmation of the message. A simple question like, “ Can you tell me what you think I meant by what I said” clarifies any ambiguity and provides valuable clues as to how your message was received and interpreted.

 Bring respect

In holding an emotional needs conversation, it is crucial to remember that this is about the relationship, as much as it is about your needs and as such we need to take into account how this newly expressed information is received by our partner. Asking a sincere and genuinely intent question, something like, “how does what I said make you feel?” goes a long way in securing the safety and emotional security bond the two of you share. Intimacy isn’t just about the fucking… where the emotions go, so too does the sexuality… preserve both by safeguarding them.

CRITICAL CONFRONTATIONS – the essence of accountability

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“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret”

Critical confrontations are tools for resolving broken promises, violated expectations and bad behavior. As a man, you will be expected to showcase your leadership skills, within the relationship, by conducting tough dialogue, at tough times, that produces not only an agreeable solution but one that strengthens the respect, trust and value that the two of you hold for each other all while doing so.

Relationships are about engaging each other…

Most people avoid conflict because they lack both the will, and more importantly the confident ability to successfully navigate the treacherous waters that conflicts lay in. They more or less accurately assess their lack of abilities for the situation at hand. They are simply out of their depths and fear any action taken will worsen the situation. Unfortunately doing nothing, does nothing to solve the issue and reinforces the notion that you’ve just provided tacit approval for the issue at hand. By conducting critical confrontations for minor breaches of boundaries, beginning with friends, family, co-workers and associates, where the threat of loss or intimidation is low, one can develop not only the essential skill of establishing boundaries, but emotional toughness, self-respect and self-esteem that comes from having done so, that will pay massive dividends when dealing with a loved one, in a highly emotionally charged, invested and at risk situation.

Stop keeping the peace at your expense…

Learn that some conflict is healthy. Underlying tension and conflict within a relationship indicates a required communication point, which isn’t unhealthy, but left un-communicated it will grow into an unhealthy element and situation, which will poison the relationship. Understanding your unwillingness to engage in such a process can be terribly telling about you, the woman you’re with and the health of the relationship. Do you just lack the ability and confidence to conduct such a conversation? Is she incapable of mutually navigating this conversation with you? Is this issue a lesser of a greater one you’re also not facing? Failing to do so is an indication of a lack of self-respect; it undermines the relationship and does not reflect that you respect the woman you’re with to conduct one.

The Event Horizon

The events that leads to a loss of trust and affects the core of the relationship and rarely are singular events, but arise from a series of circumstances. These events will occur spontaneously and in situations in which will be awkward and socially inappropriate to engage in fully. It ultimately will be a huge mistake not to take this up. It will be a judgment call as to when to do so based upon the nature and maturity of your relationship, but keep in mind that too often much is lost in the delay. At the very least throwing in a ‘flag’ of acknowledgement of displeasure ‘Babe, we’re going to need to discuss this in private later…’ calls not only attention to it appropriately, without getting into it at that moment, but serves as a call back to when you do discuss it.

1st Time-it’s just an event, a onetime occurrence.

2nd Time– has now become a pattern as its repeated and tacit approval was given on the first one.

3rd Time– it’s now case-law for your relationship and the pattern has been accepted.

Hazardous Half Minute

The first few seconds of the interaction sets the tone for everything that follows. How you say something is vastly more important that what you say. Choose your tone, words, body language and setting carefully. In a very basic way this is an introduction, of a critical issue, but like all introductions first impressions are lasting ones…

Be respectful

People need to feel safe. As a man your job it to create that safety and protection, which means you respect them as an individual and you share mutual purpose. Ultimately it’s about the relationship, not the behavior. You can get past what happened, but not what this does to the relationship and respecting yourself through your boundaries. Make sure she realizes that you are trying to protect and secure the relationship. Describe the broken promise, the gap in expectations, or affronting behavior. Ask open-ended questions; ‘why do you think it’s OK to do/act/behave/say etc.. that?’ ‘Is this how you value and respect me/our relationship in doing so?’ ‘How am I suppose to feel/take it etc, when you do “X”?’ Work jointly to discover the underlying reasons for the broken promises, violated expectations and bad behavior. Does your partner have the tools, skills needed to communicate an underlying issue? If not be willing to work together on developing them. This is about developing healthy relationship, not just changing behavior.

Verify acceptance

After the confrontation reaffirm your value of them and their role within the relationship, but check for their commitment and agreement to change. You might be surprised at what you’ll hear… and yes, this in itself is a promise that’s meant to be kept.

Lead by example

Critical confrontations are the essence of accountability, and the foundation to highly functioning relationships. It will lend credibility to you as a man and fortify your brand, whose integrity, intent, capabilities and results can be trusted and respected.

BOUNDARY SETTING

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Respect yourself

 

Find your values

Boundaries are about defining yourself through values and respecting those values through your actions… They are the agreements (negotiations) that we set for ourselves and others. They come from a good sense of self-worth, which promotes high self-esteem and self-confidence. It is the basis of who you are. The simple corollary is that you will not have boundaries if you do not have self-respect and self-esteem. Your personal boundaries and beliefs will form the foundation of your life, as it stems from your sense of self.

Self worth is self-contained

When your sense of worth comes from others you give away your personal power. You become a victim of circumstances over which you have little or no control… you invite others to take control of your choices, and thus your life. You place yourself at their mercy. People are taken advantage of because they don’t have a sense of their own personal rights and freedoms… they allow themselves to be manipulated and intimidated by those around them due to fears of rejection, isolation or abandonment. They tolerate abuse and disrespectful treatment from others because they do not demand better for themselves, as they do not feel they are capable of more and succumb to less. By doing so you invite others to take control of your choices, and thus your life… you are at their benevolence and you become a victim of circumstances over which you have little control… Sadly, if you don’t set a baseline standard for what you’ll accept in life, you’ll find it’s easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve, to include the women you’re with.

Set your limits

Being a man means drawing boundaries and unfortunately many men come into adulthood as non-engaged with collapsed boundaries for themselves and those they allow to enter into their lives. Having healthy boundaries gives you a sense of control and power in your life, which is a hallmark of one’s leadership ability. You cannot hope to lead others without boundaries and in this society and time you will be expected to not only have well established boundaries, but engage and project them as well.

Act consciously

Your resources, time and energy are your most valuable commodities. Once spent you can never get them back and your life expectancy is limited. Utilize and exchange your time and energy, as though they were hard currency… In the process you need to quit lowering your standards  by buying cheap … Set requirements upfront so when a chick hooks she has to know you mean business, otherwise women and people in general, will treat you otherwise… be able to communicate your expectations openly “If you want to be with me, this is what you have to do, this is what it’s going to take.” If she wants a ‘real’ man, she needs to be a ‘real’ woman…and step up to you.

Leadership as a requirement

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Leadership comes in small daily acts as well as bold strokes…

Build it and they will come.

It all begins and ends with you. You lead by example. If you can’t lead yourself, you can’t lead others. It’s as simple as that and as a consequence you will be found undesirable as a mate and relationship choice by women until you develop appropriate leadership skills. Furthermore you cannot possibly be a better leader than you are a person. Leadership starts with your character development and then progresses outward from there into your vision of yourself, your life and your relationships with others.

Pissing into the wind

Regardless of the fact that women have surpassed the equality mark, women are not inclined to transition into gender equity with regards to dating. They are loath to relinquish a system in which the males takes all or at least the majority of the risk of rejection, in initiating the courtship rituals of dating. Furthermore your failure to act upon your gender assigned role of leadership, will be judged as a fitness test to your worth and viability as a mate choice. Be it as it may, if you want that girl, you’re going to have to act and demonstrate leadership attributes… the upside is you have the power of choice. You and you alone decide with whom to initiate. That is your masculine role. Her feminine role is to judge your worthiness and merit when you do. We can rail into the wind for change, but it’s likely to do little if any good.

 The King is dead…

The concept of leadership has dramatically changed and the emphasis on hard power of authoritarian and dominance is outdated, yet social dominance plays such an important role in female attraction that manipulating this variable alone can produce dramatic improvements in a man’s life, which is why there is such a strong focus on dominance traits development and practice within the seduction community. Unfortunately these same traits do not transfer well into long-term relationship traits, due to their over-use and reliance that transcends into controlling, suffocating and stifling behavior, which is a hallmark of low emotional intelligence and a pre-cursor to many a doomed relationship. While a vibrant and useful attraction trait, social dominance should not be relied upon as a cornerstone to a healthy relationship, but as a trigger for sustained attraction within a relationship.

 Rise of soft power

Today’s knowledge economy requires and demands new leadership skills and expectations requiring vastly heightened sense of emotional intelligence, relationship skills, team building, collaborations skills, consensus building, mentoring and forging strong personal connections which is incredibly indifferent to men’s historical attributes and culturally defined role models. Many analysts are arguing that men are ill-suited for the realities of not only this new economy, but the emerging society as well, as they reflect similar skills sets. The focus today in leadership is not solely in hard powers but in enhanced relationship-driven soft powers that foster trust, respect and credibility, with a dash of hard power skills where appropriate and when needed. Often this too is done with a measure of tact and diplomacy to find mutually acceptable solutions to a common challenge, as it is widely recognized as a Pyrrhic victory otherwise; a gain from winning one negotiation can be much less than the increased hostility from other parts, resulting in an overall loss. Don’t be in a situation where you win the argument to only loose the relationship with the girl.

24/7 Communication

Arguably the most important trait for a leader is the ability to communicate effectively. They master not only the craft of language, but attitude and actions to send powerful messages as well. Communication goes well beyond words. Your behavior gives people information about your disposition, opinion or mood-regardless of the words you speak. Your inner character gets expressed outwards with corresponding consequences and ramifications. The manner in which a leader communicates reveals much about your character. It can disclose your authenticity, sincerity and virtually every other aspect of your character, not just in the moments of bold and decisive decision-making.

New Patriarchy

While feminist and culture may rail against patriarchy, ultimately it is what they expect and demand that a man takes the lead not only in initiating, but throughout a relationship. But unlike the authorial stance of old, women desire a guide and an equitable stake in the relationship without outright subordination. To successfully navigate this new complex social construct, men will have to learn a great deal more leadership skills than what typically have been previously the gender defined roles. While popular culture may rail against this, women are happier when their men are men and they are the woman in the relationship.

Relationship skills as life skills

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Isn’t it disturbing that people need coaching, teaching and lessons in socialization?

Just like your Father…

Parental influence on children are fundamental and serve as the foundation to a child’s social development and competence, as the parents are the immediate models for the child and they will pattern their behavior to them, often mimicking the styles and attitudes of the parent, even the lack thereof. Children coming from a broken home are at a severe disadvantage, due not only to the lack of a second parental figure to model to learn and develop from, but are taught initially to have a lack of confidence in a stable and secure relationships from the onset by their parents example. Their parents have defined the child’s expectations through their own failed relationship and any continued follow on catastrophe as it plays out over the years and typically they do.

Masculine behavior measured by a feminine ruler…

Our educational system picks up and furthers that development through a vastly increased everyday experiences with peer socialization and formal education. Unfortunately in the last 30 years there has been a markedly shift away from progressive social skills education emphasis being taught in schools and a return to ‘traditional’ education of the three-R’s, while at the same time being increasingly feminine centric in its gender bias. Our school systems just are not teaching social skills, but obedience and conformity, and specifically supplication to the feminine imperative.

The Princess club…

All this of course is under the shadow of a culture based education which reflects, validates and promotes the values and world views of popular culture at large, which presents males with a misandric world, that marginalized and devalues males and in particular fathers, while implying that males are incompetent and incapable of learning social skills to function in an ever growing feminine centric society. These notions are reinforced when little girls learn social skills through everyday experiences and they are recognized, rewarded and promoted by society and culture for doing so. Males are not, nor are they expected to, which highly affects their development and social competencies.

The Players Utopia…

Inexplicably men are then yet tasked and expected to take the lead socially in initiating, developing, fostering and sustaining relationships with women in the dating market place. Women then fall victim to the misandric errors of a society and culture that promotes vulnerable, insecure, under-developed men who lack the capacity to provide women with the relationships that they desire and demand. Is it any wonder our divorce rate isn’t greater than 54%? Not only are males hobbled by society and culture for developing appropriate social skills for what is ultimately expected of them, but the incentives for relationships, marriage and child rearing, are also stripped away from men; it is vastly easier to learn a smattering of game, ‘pump & dump’ and ‘next’ the chick… wash, rinse and repeat ad infinitum.

The Soft Skills

While once considered “soft” skills (cluster of personality traits and attributes that enhance an individual’s interactions with others) that some simply possessed naturally, relationship skills are something that can indeed, need to be learned and are immensely applicable both in one’s personal and professional life. Businesses have long ago realized that training staff on these skills enhances productivity, collaboration and organizational success. It is now being suggested that in a number of professions (virtually all), soft skills may be more important over the long-term than occupational skills, to which the individual may be directly employed and if current business trends continue, the demand for these skills will be on the rise.

What are they?

Relationship skills are any skills facilitating interaction, communication and relationship development and sustainment with others. They are a combination of the ability to understand and manage one’s own emotional state and the ability to understand and respond to other people. While the skills include understanding and using social conventions, it also includes the ability to understand the “Hidden Curriculum”, the ways in which peers communicate and interact, informal rules of behavior, conduct and social hierarchy and the ability to build appropriate relationships between those. They are central to most forms and styles of leadership and are dependent upon for collaboration, which is at the heart of any healthy romantic relationship. Simply put, men who are not socialized, socially calibrated and can exhibit a measurement of leadership ability, are not desirable as mates to women. Women will simply screen them out and choose other men who do. If you truly want and desire a relationship, becoming socialized, socially calibrated and learning to develop your own leadership style and skills is absolutely essential.

Back to basics…

The first step to building more effective relationships starts with being practical and assessing your own abilities. Start paying attention to how you interact with others, your friends, family, co-workers and strangers. Look into your own failed relationships and gleam what you can from them by performing an relationship autopsy. Gauge your own abilities, strength and weaknesses and be consciously aware of your aptitudes when dealing with people. Look to make specific improvements in specific areas that you identify. Self educate yourself. Develop a personal curriculum. Scour multiple resources, compile your notes in a central location and journal about your efforts to improve. Work at it daily, as small continued efforts typically outweigh the result of a single sustained push. Begin to understand yourself and how you moderate your responses to people, events and circumstances. Take yourselfyou’re your education seriously. Learn to communicate more effectively and empathically accurately (accurately understanding people, which is done by listening and reflective questioning, realize that many of these skills will be and are communicated non-verbally; it will be through behavior, attitude and tone. Realize the enormity of the undertaking in which you are partaking, but take it one step at a time. Have fun with it. Make it a hobby. As with most goals people vastly over-estimate what they can accomplish in a year’s time, but grossly under-estimate what they can achieve in five… Over the course of a normal life, that is very little investment for a life time of effected change.

The alternative

Learning social skills can reduce the stress and consequences from having a lack of social skills (getting it right) or a failure of correct skills; grief, agony, despair associated with a failed relationship and limitations within a career or professional life. Want to get over that girl who broke your heart. Work at being a better man than you were when she hurt you, when your combined skills were not enough to maintain or salvage a relationship. Doing so will build real confidence, increase your opportunities and limit your potential failures…

Food for thought

As women have successfully advanced in terms of education (where for every two men who earn a B.A. three women do) and the work place, as women currently claim over half of the work force, they have at the same time vastly reduced the pool of eligible males that would satisfy their hypergamy (female imperative to marry up) as there are fewer men that will meet their increasing criteria and demands (spinsterhood syndrome). When women have become significantly financially empowered, they begin to choose men based on criteria other than their ability to provide, and while there is a markedly increase in desire for better looking males (and game), those avoiding playing the phallus field seek out older, but attractive accomplished men. Although there is still preponderance for hypergamy, as a reversal of hardwired sex roles are hugely unpopular and widely undesirable, women still seek older men of status. The seniority of the male brings a measure of calm confidence of experience, knowledge and relationship skills that provides a powerful vagina tingle to the female hindbrain… Remember a man isn’t made in a day, he’s created over a life time…

…it’s never too early to start beefing up your obituary.