“You’re a man- get over it!”
Recognizing your authentic self
My bulldog doesn’t have self-esteem issues… It’s infuriating that he doesn’t. He sits there next to me, with a big bulldog grin, smiling without a care in the world. He’s not worried that last week he shit the floor while I was out, that he raided the trash can for grease drippings, that he runs around naked and has developed a paunch from being overly loved and spoiled, that he’s technically ‘pet quality’ for having a brown nose instead of a black one, or that he isn’t ‘bulldog enough’ for having whatever qualities or achievements he feels he’s diminished in as a bulldog. He is who he is. He’s his own dog. It’s called being authentic when humans live without conditions, are free of qualifications and have removed self-limitations upon themselves. When we free ourselves of our internal critic. When we’re free of external pressures and influences to conform to something, someone we’re not. It is when we’re free to be truly ourselves. When the deeply internal you and the conscious public you are aligned, inside and out. Those of us who have lost contact with their own sense of self, who are bound by constructs of beliefs, obligation and servitude stemming from others desires, wishes or beliefs of and for us, are the most disenfranchised. It eats at us constantly, no matter who we’ve become or what we have achieved. Getting back on the path of being your authentic self is the first step of managing self-respect and freeing yourself of the constant drone of self-criticism, doubt and self-flagellation.
Recognize your worth
There are days in my life that I actually pause to remind myself that I was my father’s fastest sperm. When it fucking counted, I won that race! You’re goddam right I did! I’m a performer! Not only that, but I was brought full term and survived my own birth. How do you like me now? Ask me what I think about this year’s Tour de France winner… he had it easy! Fewer competitors, stops and breaks between segments and the full knowledge that this wasn’t an all or nothing proposition; the losers don’t die in a defeated effort. In the grand scheme of things this has tremendous merit, it’s just that we never recognize it. It’s time we should. Each of us at this very basic level has achieved something truly monumental; the chance at life. We exist. It may sound terribly simple, but we should act like it too. We should recognize that fact of reality and act as accordingly from there, in an increasing pattern of self-awareness and self-acceptance.
Recognize your abilities
As we explore our own self acceptance and awareness we must also become focused upon the true accomplishments, contributions and achievements that occur in our lives and what has brought us to this point in our journey through life. In particular it isn’t just the benchmarks or milestones of achievements that we’ve accomplished, but the accumulation of life skills and abilities that are truly important, as they are transferable from one event or environment to another. Recognizing our own ability to be able to cope with the challenges of life, to develop a measure of self-reliance and ability to exercise initiative even if in a given circumstances we failed our own expectations of ourselves, we can think about why we did what we did in those circumstances, learn from that awareness and utilize that knowledge in the future to persevere where we once failed. When we recognize our abilities, we are able to transcend personal insecurity, doubt, defensiveness and fear, all of which promote failure. In doing so we recognize our true self and are able to tell ourselves directly “I am competent”, “I am capable”, “I am able” and know these things to be true. These proven beliefs are an immense predictor of relevant outcomes and carry tremendous amount of weight when managing self-respect. Learn to scour your past, your life for sources of learned or developed skills and hone those.
Eliminating Auto- infidelity
We have the power to build self-respect by the manner in which we conduct our life. The practice of personal integrity; living with congruence between what we know, what we profess and what we do; telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in actions the values we profess to admire in our dealings with others that are fair, open and benevolent, to include the manner in which we regard and treat ourselves. When we betray our values (auto-infidelity), we betray our sense of character and self-esteem is an inevitable casualty, as is our self-respect. When we do what we know is right, we build self-esteem and thus foster self-respect. Nowhere is this so apparent than when we are in the position to subvert our own values for the instant and consistent gratifications of meeting emotional dependencies needs and biological drive for sex, intimacy and security found within an existing flawed and deteriorating relationship. To truly have self-respect we must align our behaviors, actions and communications with our partners so that they are congruent with our values, beliefs and life objectives. We need to stop keeping the emotional peace, respect ourselves and our partners to know and understand our true selves, not who they wish us to be, who we mislead them to think of who we are, or the direction and objective of our relationship. If our needs are not being met, we need to say so. If our life objectives are not in alignment, we need to state so. If we are clinging to an existing relationship because we are afraid, insecure, lazy or holding out for the potential of it, we need to recognize where it is truly at and act accordingly. We don’t honor or respect ourselves, let alone our partner or the relationship by doing otherwise. It may be one of the most difficult things you have to do, but ultimately you know who you are by the actions you choose to take. Make sure those actions are in alignment with who you want to truly be and self-respect will surely flow from there.
Manage your boundaries
Candidly letting others know what you need, desire and expect—as well as how you feel—demonstrates personal dignity, self-confidence, and respect. Moreover, it can make others much more sensitive to the validity or legitimacy of your points of view. People who are non-assertive—that is, passive, verbally withholding, or overly deferential—generally don’t (and can’t) get their basic relational needs met. So they end up feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and unfulfilled. This is incredibly true when your personal unspoken expectations are crossed, violated or infringed upon. Consistently allowing or permitting soft or weak personal boundaries is not only toxic for the relationship, due to the increasingly levels of frustrations of unmet needs, but also terribly corrosive to one’s self esteem and respect because we act counter to our desires and values and thus subvert us from the life we want. This is extremely true when we don’t filter or screen prospective partners or to meet our needs, expectations or objectives for having the relationship and therefore fail at managing commitment. Identifying, establishing, reinforcing, protecting your personal boundaries with our dealings with ourselves and others is a hallmark of high self-esteem and self-respect. Self respecting people simply have nurtured strong personal boundaries.
Respect your Cock; Managing Hypergamy as a Gender Expectation
There! It’s been said. To value and respect ‘who’ you are, as a man, you’re going have to get in touch with, understand the nature of, value the purpose, abilities and attributes of your cock and balls (what defines you a man). While I’m not going to take this point into the realm of a manosphere version of the ‘cock-monologues’ ( I’m saving that for a later date) I am going to emphatically state that at a primal basic level much of our self-respect will be derived from our ability to master female attraction triggers, as well as cultural and social gender expectations known as hypergamy. Yes, in a very real way hypergamy and our responding to it, are our biological gender expectations. Our ability to muster our potential for displaying exemplifying the three categories that constitute hypergamy are as follows;
Sexual dimorphism of our physical being with the markers being fitness, physical prowess, athletic ability and our raw naked physic.
Social dimorphism of behavioral traits associated with masculine behaviors such as assertiveness, dominance, risk-taking, self-reliance, self-confidence, to include manner of stance, body language, speech and dress.
Status dimorphism of cultural and societal achievement associated with social standing, wealth generation, power accumulation and fame acquisition.
These are all highly regarded and vaulted cultural and social values. They are also the markers that women are biologically and socially geared to respond to, when selecting a partner and mate. This is an equivalent of a three-lane high-speed express way to acceptance and personal validation. While you’re free to choose the road less traveled by, why not play to established and accepted values to develop and showcase excellence and to develop your self-esteem and respect? While many in or out of the manosphere may loathe the fact that this is the cultural, social and biological pool we are forced to swim or drown in, remaining ignorant, resisting and arguing against it is futile and sure to bring about misery. It is just simply easier to accept what is and learn to swim and brave the waters of hypergamy and honor your biological expectations as a man.