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Tag Archives: Psychological social development

Posted on November 9, 2014 by Sock!
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Virtue

“If you safeguard virtue, it will in turn safeguard you”

Exhibit what you seek

Misplaced trust can extract a terribly high cost in the form of betrayal and the full calamity that unfolds with it. Since we are vulnerable to those that we place exceptional trust in, how do we safeguard ourselves and our relationships from harm and damage and what precautionary measures can we take to mitigate those risks inherently found in the vulnerability associated with the act of trusting at the core of any relationship?  First we must find it within ourselves first.  We must be willing to live our life as to be worthy of the relationship and trust we expect from others.  Safeguarding requires harmonizing between words and deeds.  We must first exemplify what we seek in others, if we are to naturally attract it.  We create moral obligations when we pledge our commitment to a relationship…if we are unprepared to fulfill those moral commitments we should not to have made them.  Having made those we need to be prepared to conduct ourselves in a manner that indicates that we do or end that commitment with honesty and integrity.  

A statement of the obvious

When seeking measures to safeguard a relationship, attend to the obvious; “Don’t Fuck it up!” Act virtuously.  Be the same person you are in private, as you are in public, by being accountable to your behavior at all times…  Whether this is responding to and controlling your impulse for anger management, blaming, victimhood or so often primal sexual drives, we need to be in command of ourselves if we expect to have the same accountability within our partner.   It is at these times we should look deep into ourselves and seek out the why of what we’re reacting to.  This level of self-reflection is essential if we are to ever overcome our basic primal self.  “Know thyself” are truly words to guide your life by and the consequences of your experiences are a condition of it.  When you consciously explore your unconscious needs and desires and are then able to attune to those, the more likely your actions will be in alignment to your values.  Self-arresting after a fall, protects us from the fall itself, but understanding the hazards that lead up to the fall, safeguards us from those hazards from happening again in the future.

Unspoken needs go unmet

There’s much ado about Hypergamy & Hypogamy within the dating and relationship realm because it falls directly on the natural biological lower rung of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, with physiological needs associated with basic life sustainment and sex being the primal essence. If we are to truly rise above this, towards the highest rung of Self-Actualization, we have to make room for intimacy & vulnerability, thereby developing deep relationship equity.  When we attempt to safeguard our relationship by not being vulnerable with our partner about our true needs and desires we are putting up barriers that separate us from our partner and our ultimate fulfillment.  We cannot be honest where we fear to offend or risk loss…  human connection, to be meaningful, commands trust and respect.  When we hide, from our partner, from ourselves, we are doing neither.  We are not being intimate when we do not trust or respect our partner with our true needs and desires.  We are not being intimate or respectful with ourselves when we do not trust and respect ourselves to convey our needs and desires with our partner.  The ability to drop our masks of pretense, to lower our shields to our own vulnerability and to invite our partners in to know and understand our true self adds a vital dimension and depth to our relationship that is central to our fulfillment as individuals and partners.

Clean house

“Don’t own so much clutter that you will be relieved to see your house catch fire.” Negativity is so much clutter that hasn’t found a proper place and as it builds we become ever more receptive to the idea of just letting it all burn.  It is one thing to vent, to feel, experience and then let go of emotions passing through us, but it’s another when we embrace them, when we take ownership of them, when we don’t find a place to lay them.  Negativity, shit that doesn’t matter, seemingly benign behaviors that build to toxic behaviors that threaten our relationships are things we need to first limit within ourselves and then promote and support appropriate behaviors within our partner.   Often this will mean recognizing and managing our own morale and ego depletion, as we cycle through life’s events, but we should always keep a mindful eye that we don’t have to be smiling to be grateful and to let negativity pass us by.

Sowing virtue

Never leave in doubt what you value, appreciate and desire within a relationship and a partner… seek out and display your partners virtues and promote those.  Leave no misunderstanding what it is that they bring to you and the relationship that you are willing to commit to.  Respect competence.  Honor it. Protect it from debasement.  We receive more of what reward, let that be virtue.  Make room for it.  Promote it.  Acknowledge it.  Reward it.  Ultimately I believe that what makes people the happiest is the recognition and realization of their own virtue.  Our relationships should be incubators for that virtuous expression and realization.  

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Posted in Relationship Maintenance | Tagged Communication Management, Emotional needs, Emotional Needs Communication, Gate Keeping, Hypergamy, Hypogamy, Impulse Control, Living in the present, Managing Commitment, Managing Distrust, Managing Ego Depletion, Managing Hypergamy, Managing Intimacy, Managing Morale, Managing Trust, Manning up smart, Psychological Self Analysis, Psychological social development, Relationship Leadership, Relationship Safeguarding, Self-Regulation, Staying Positive, Value of Committed Relationships, Value of Intimate Relationships, Value of Relationships | Leave a reply

Managing Self Respect

Posted on January 19, 2013 by Sock!
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Crotch Grab

“You’re a man- get over it!”

Recognizing your authentic self

My bulldog doesn’t have self-esteem issues… It’s infuriating that he doesn’t. He sits there next to me, with a big bulldog grin, smiling without a care in the world. He’s not worried that last week he shit the floor while I was out, that he raided the trash can for grease drippings, that he runs around naked and has developed a paunch from being overly loved and spoiled, that he’s technically ‘pet quality’ for having a brown nose instead of a black one, or that he isn’t ‘bulldog enough’ for having whatever qualities or achievements he feels he’s diminished in as a bulldog. He is who he is. He’s his own dog. It’s called being authentic when humans live without conditions, are free of qualifications and have removed self-limitations upon themselves. When we free ourselves of our internal critic. When we’re free of external pressures and influences to conform to something, someone we’re not. It is when we’re free to be truly ourselves. When the deeply internal you and the conscious public you are aligned, inside and out. Those of us who have lost contact with their own sense of self, who are bound by constructs of beliefs, obligation and servitude stemming from others desires, wishes or beliefs of and for us, are the most disenfranchised. It eats at us constantly, no matter who we’ve become or what we have achieved. Getting back on the path of being your authentic self is the first step of managing self-respect and freeing yourself of the constant drone of self-criticism, doubt and self-flagellation.

Recognize your worth

There are days in my life that I actually pause to remind myself that I was my father’s fastest sperm. When it fucking counted, I won that race! You’re goddam right I did! I’m a performer! Not only that, but I was brought full term and survived my own birth. How do you like me now? Ask me what I think about this year’s Tour de France winner… he had it easy! Fewer competitors, stops and breaks between segments and the full knowledge that this wasn’t an all or nothing proposition; the losers don’t die in a defeated effort. In the grand scheme of things this has tremendous merit, it’s just that we never recognize it. It’s time we should. Each of us at this very basic level has achieved something truly monumental; the chance at life. We exist. It may sound terribly simple, but we should act like it too. We should recognize that fact of reality and act as accordingly from there, in an increasing pattern of self-awareness and self-acceptance.

Recognize your abilities

As we explore our own self acceptance and awareness we must also become focused upon the true accomplishments, contributions and achievements that occur in our lives and what has brought us to this point in our journey through life. In particular it isn’t just the benchmarks or milestones of achievements that we’ve accomplished, but the accumulation of life skills and abilities that are truly important, as they are transferable from one event or environment to another. Recognizing our own ability to be able to cope with the challenges of life, to develop a measure of self-reliance and ability to exercise initiative even if in a given circumstances we failed our own expectations of ourselves, we can think about why we did what we did in those circumstances, learn from that awareness and utilize that knowledge in the future to persevere where we once failed. When we recognize our abilities, we are able to transcend personal insecurity, doubt, defensiveness and fear, all of which promote failure. In doing so we recognize our true self and are able to tell ourselves directly “I am competent”, “I am capable”, “I am able” and know these things to be true. These proven beliefs are an immense predictor of relevant outcomes and carry tremendous amount of weight when managing self-respect. Learn to scour your past, your life for sources of learned or developed skills and hone those.

Eliminating Auto- infidelity

We have the power to build self-respect by the manner in which we conduct our life. The practice of personal integrity; living with congruence between what we know, what we profess and what we do; telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in actions the values we profess to admire in our dealings with others that are fair, open and benevolent, to include the manner in which we regard and treat ourselves. When we betray our values (auto-infidelity), we betray our sense of character and self-esteem is an inevitable casualty, as is our self-respect. When we do what we know is right, we build self-esteem and thus foster self-respect. Nowhere is this so apparent than when we are in the position to subvert our own values for the instant and consistent gratifications of meeting emotional dependencies needs and biological drive for sex, intimacy and security found within an existing flawed and deteriorating relationship. To truly have self-respect we must align our behaviors, actions and communications with our partners so that they are congruent with our values, beliefs and life objectives. We need to stop keeping the emotional peace, respect ourselves and our partners to know and understand our true selves, not who they wish us to be, who we mislead them to think of who we are, or the direction and objective of our relationship. If our needs are not being met, we need to say so. If our life objectives are not in alignment, we need to state so. If we are clinging to an existing relationship because we are afraid, insecure, lazy or holding out for the potential of it, we need to recognize where it is truly at and act accordingly. We don’t honor or respect ourselves, let alone our partner or the relationship by doing otherwise. It may be one of the most difficult things you have to do, but ultimately you know who you are by the actions you choose to take. Make sure those actions are in alignment with who you want to truly be and self-respect will surely flow from there.

Manage your boundaries

Candidly letting others know what you need, desire and expect—as well as how you feel—demonstrates personal dignity, self-confidence, and respect. Moreover, it can make others much more sensitive to the validity or legitimacy of your points of view. People who are non-assertive—that is, passive, verbally withholding, or overly deferential—generally don’t (and can’t) get their basic relational needs met. So they end up feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and unfulfilled. This is incredibly true when your personal unspoken expectations are crossed, violated or infringed upon. Consistently allowing or permitting soft or weak personal boundaries is not only toxic for the relationship, due to the increasingly levels of frustrations of unmet needs, but also terribly corrosive to one’s self esteem and respect because we act counter to our desires and values and thus subvert us from the life we want. This is extremely true when we don’t filter or screen prospective partners or to meet our needs, expectations or objectives for having the relationship and therefore fail at managing commitment. Identifying, establishing, reinforcing, protecting your personal boundaries with our dealings with ourselves and others is a hallmark of high self-esteem and self-respect. Self respecting people simply have nurtured strong personal boundaries.

Respect your Cock; Managing Hypergamy as a Gender Expectation

There! It’s been said. To value and respect ‘who’ you are, as a man, you’re going have to get in touch with, understand the nature of, value the purpose, abilities and attributes of your cock and balls (what defines you a man). While I’m not going to take this point into the realm of a manosphere version of the ‘cock-monologues’ ( I’m saving that for a later date) I am going to emphatically state that at a primal basic level much of our self-respect will be derived from our ability to master female attraction triggers, as well as cultural and social gender expectations known as hypergamy. Yes, in a very real way hypergamy and our responding to it, are our biological gender expectations. Our ability to muster our potential for displaying exemplifying the three categories that constitute hypergamy are as follows;

Sexual dimorphism of our physical being with the markers being fitness, physical prowess, athletic ability and our raw naked physic.

Social dimorphism of behavioral traits associated with masculine behaviors such as assertiveness, dominance, risk-taking, self-reliance, self-confidence, to include manner of stance, body language, speech and dress.

Status dimorphism of cultural and societal achievement associated with social standing, wealth generation, power accumulation and fame acquisition.

These are all highly regarded and vaulted cultural and social values. They are also the markers that women are biologically and socially geared to respond to, when selecting a partner and mate. This is an equivalent of a three-lane high-speed express way to acceptance and personal validation. While you’re free to choose the road less traveled by, why not play to established and accepted values to develop and showcase excellence and to develop your self-esteem and respect? While many in or out of the manosphere may loathe the fact that this is the cultural, social and biological pool we are forced to swim or drown in, remaining ignorant, resisting and arguing against it is futile and sure to bring about misery. It is just simply easier to accept what is and learn to swim and brave the waters of hypergamy and honor your biological expectations as a man.

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Posted in Managing Self Respect, Relationship Management | Tagged Boundary Setting, Branding, Critical Confontations, Developing your Game, Emotional Needs Communication, Filtering, Filtering and Screening, Gate keepers of commitment, Gate Keeping, Gender Expectations, Hypergamy, Leadership, Leadership as life skill, Living in the present, Managing Commitment, Managing Self Respect, Managing Unspoken Expectations, Psychological Makeup, Psychological Mirror to the Self, Psychological Needs, Psychological Self Analysis, Psychological social development, Relationship Analysis, Relationship Autopsy, Relationship Filtering, Relationship Screening, Relationship Skills, Staying Positive | Leave a reply

Managing Trust & Distrust

Posted on January 6, 2013 by Sock!
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trust-me

 

 

 

 

“The most effective way to maintain trust is NOT to break it”

 

Wisdom of Spaghetti Westerns

I honestly don’t know where I first learned the basics of developing trust. I’ll credit my Mother for nostalgic purposes and the spaghetti Westerns I used to watch as a kid, for their obtuse simplicity engrained in the plot lines and character development, but more than likely it came from a long-lost memory and lesson from my Father, that I’m still actively repressing. In any event, what I do remember and should be of no shock to anyone is a two-part lesson; “Say what you’re going to do” and “Do what you say”. While highly simplistic, and truly words to live by, it does subtly convey an important insight into the complexity of relationships beyond the obvious; trust and distrust are not actually the same thing and need to be managed separately for full effect of establishing open, honest collaboration and faith within any relationships.

An Investment and a Reaction

Trust is an act and investment of hope, in signifying your willingness to become vulnerable to the actions of your partner, which you ultimately don’t control. Distrust is a cautionary reaction to fears and is a mechanism to insulate yourself from the potential misconduct of your partner. The key insight here is not just about managing trust , “Do what you say”, aka ‘tell the truth’, but also minimizing distrust at the same time ,“Say what you’re going to do”, by communicating your intentions, letting them be known and removing any uncertainty. By clarifying intentions, values and beliefs in advance and following through with those on a consistent basis, we remove both uncertainty and fear, while replacing them with proven case history and thereby established security. The importance of this is that ‘security’ is a basic primal need, as indicated on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, and an unspoken component element within trust. Ultimately a relationship devoid of security is a relationship in dire straits, don’t be surprised when you partner acts in a primal way when this security is threatened.

Self Management First

We must begin to manage trust in our relationships by starting with ourselves first, by being truthful, authentic and trustworthy and communicating these values clearly to our partners through what we say and do. Furthermore we need to recognize that we can and should trust ourselves to either make an appropriate selection of partners, that they have appropriate values, beliefs and intentions, are capable of making sound judgments, not only for themselves, but us as well, have appropriate social and relationship skill sets to communicate and navigate through turbulent issues, or at least a very appreciative attitude in developing those skills with us throughout our relationship, or the confidence, ability and judgment to appropriately avoid them or terminate an existing relationship, before there is a crisis to hang it upon. If we cannot trust ourselves to make good judgments, choices and to care for ourselves, we simply will never be able to truly trust others and have a healthy, happy and vibrant relationship. When we start to feel the pangs of uncertainty, fear, insecurity, jealously and distrust, it is a sign that we should stop, look and listen to ourselves first and foremost, before we take up the issue with our partner unbridled.

Managing an Investment Risk

Until we can alleviate our and our partner’s predominant concern for self-protection, emotional safety and security against the other, we will be reluctant to develop a deep and abiding faith in each other or the relationship. At first we can only screen our partner (their past being a great indicator for future behavior) and take their word at face value for their intent (be sure to actually ask, don’t assume) and verify supporting behaviors and actions over time, hopefully you’ve done this prior to committing to a relationship. While we can provide certainty via implementing policy actions of distrust through observation, verification, interrogation, cohesion and all sort of other of privacy invading tactics, the manner in which we trust or distrust our partners very much shapes and affects our relationship with them. It is far better to develop a culture of trust and be betrayed, than it is to live with the torment and shame of besmirching the trustworthy and ruining the relationship through de-validating our partners by not truly seeing them for who they really are. Ultimately holding faith in someone is an investment of your perceived validation of their worth and that of the relationship. Like all investments they carry a measure of risk. Those risks should be mitigated in advance, communicated, recognized and mutually appreciated to be minimized.

Create a Safe Haven of Trust

We need to recognize the importance of promoting, establishing and maintaining a culture of trust between our partner and ourselves via open, emotional, intimate communication over time, as proven by behavior, not when we agree or like what our partners states and says, but in those intervening times when they don’t, when they may have and hold a belief, value, thought or intention that is contrary to our own. It is through establishing a consistent pattern of behavior of actively listening to our partner, respecting their personal boundaries, and airing unspoken expectations, beliefs or ideas through empathy and sensitivity that trust and openness of understanding can truly grow. Our partners need to have the confidence in us and our relationship to respect, safeguard and validate their opinions and them, when they give voice to reservations, alternative perspectives and feedback on issues and subjects that emerge within our relationship. Promoting trust is not just about establishing behaviors with others outside of our relationship, but squarely within it too. Furthermore we need to be cognizant of our efforts to refrain from jealously, incriminations and suspicions, to withhold from suspending judgments and acts of scorekeeping over our partners that will weaken our ties and solidarity with them and thus shut down this critical pathway of communication and emotional intimacy. Simply put, our partners need to trust us with what they think, feel and believe even if they know us to disagree.

Reducing the Mechanisms of Distrust

As discussed briefly previously, distrust is a cautionary reaction to fears and is a mechanism to insulate yourself from the potential misconduct of your partner. Quite often our partners will have or develop distrust with us due to any number of reasons, whether they feel they are being misled, misinformed or mishandled inappropriately. These actions if real or not, will deteriorate our relationship dramatically over a very short period of time, as suspicions, tensions and defensiveness grows in a compounding nature. If real and you value the person you’re with, the relationship you have with them and desire it in the future, you need to stop that shit immediately. There is nothing cool with displaying ‘alpha-dominate’ traits that un-nerve, undermine, invalidate, exploits and disrespects your partner. If you’re doing this, you’re a dumb-ass and you’re playing with fire and are likely to be burnt, deservedly so. If on the other hand you are not doing this and there is still a measure of distrust within the relationship, you need to recognize these reactions for what they are; unspoken calls at unmet emotional needs. It will be your obligation as a man, the leader of this relationship, to realize that your partner needs to be provided the peace of mind, of not just hearing reassurances, but your search, understanding and awareness of her unmet and most likely unspoken emotional needs and how those can be appropriately and responsibly accounted for. Lastly when our partners unjustly disbelieve, attribute false incriminations and harbor jealous suspicions they are actively poisoning our relationship with them, through vile invalidation of who we truly are. It isn’t just about the individual disbelief, incriminations or jealousies, but the manner in which they are holding and regarding you. The manner of man they believe you to be, not are, but the one they believe you to be. As a standard personal boundary, we should not be involved with people who hold us in contempt, suspicion and unease unjustly. We simply should come to expect the people who we let into our lives, who know us best, recognize and see us for who we are. Sadly these deep and misguided emotional insecurities of our partners are born out of past experiences with others, who did not care, nor consider them and as a result they have become psychologically wounded as a result. It behooves both of you to come to terms with these past experiences with your partner, where they stem from, how they affected your partner and how they are playing out in your relationship, so they can be mitigated, over-come and over-turned.

Trust/Distrust Emotional Gauges

It is important to realize that trust isn’t an emotion, but a learned behavior, one that we can establish, cultivate, and promote. As a relationship manager it is our job to consistently respond to our partner’s needs, look for opportunities to foster the intimacy that comes with being honest and transparent, and to remove the obstacles and mechanisms that limit cohesiveness and solidarity with our partners, to increase relationship performance and effectiveness. Want to know the current health state of your relationship? Check the trust/distrust levels within it.

 

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Posted in Relationship Management | Tagged Active Listening Skills, Boundary Setting, Communication Management, Conflict management, Critical Confrontation, Developing Empathy Skills, Developing your Game, Emotional Needs Communication, Filtering and Screening, Gate Keeping, Gender Expectations, Hypergamy, Impulse Control, Leadership, Life skills, Managing Committment, Managing Distrust, Managing Trust, Managing Unspoken Expectations, Personal Boundaries, Personal Brand, Personal Reputation, Power of Perception, Providing Emotional Support, Providing Validation, Psychological social development, Relationship Autopsy, Relationship Skills, Self-Regulation, Soliciting Feedback | Leave a reply

Psychological Social Development Self Analysis

Posted on January 22, 2012 by Sock!
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handcuffed man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are a prisoner of that which you have failed to confront….

Emotional patterns of behavior

We tend to live our lives based upon emotional patterns we learned as a child. The impact of early close relationships on ones psychological development is well recognized concept within the field of developmental psychology and has been studied for over a century, yet very few people actually spend the time, as adults, to perform a self diagnostic, prior to setting out in search of an intimate personal relationships and this sets the stage for the tragedy of countless failed relationships that ultimately occur.

Developmental stages

Everyone goes through a number of developmental stages to reach their level of personality development as adults. The environment in which a child lived is crucial to providing growth, adjustment, a source of self awareness and identity as they develop, which greatly impacts the choices one makes in selecting and developing relationships. There is evidence that those who form the most coherent self-concept in adolescence are those who are the most able to make intimate attachments in early adulthood. Individuals who have been thwarted in the healthy resolution of earlier phases of personal development, such as learning healthy levels of trust, autonomy, self identity etc, can expect to see these same problems reappear in the future and since no parent can teach us completely what we need, we often arrive at adulthood having never attained great portions of what we need in order to be ourselves in a healthy and productive manner.

Mirror to the self

Habitually people seek out partners in relationships that will either mimic a previous phase relationship or a partner that represents a possible solution to that issue and as such, relationships are profound vehicles for self discovery, realization and development. However these relationships are flawed because the people in them are flawed and not fully developed. Unless the parties involved have the interpersonal skill sets to handle the conflicts that will invariably occur and continue to self develop together, the relationship will cycle into one of termination.

Serial Monogamy and Co-dependency

This is what forms the heart of serial monogamy, as couples seek the safety of a relationship to explore and discover attitudes, values and life possibilities, without having the ability to form healthy, mature and intimate relationships. Frequently these pairings are bound together predominantly by dependency needs and are reflected in the self-esteem of the participants, which is tied up to the support and validation of the partner. When they end, they reinforce a deep and profound established belief in their deficiency of self-esteem and self-worth. The legacy of these failed relationships has consequences, that they become a life narrative and guide future behavior and actions.

An elephant in the room

People need a practical way to reframe their lives and their lifestyles in order to create healthy relationships, rather than live in such a way to maintain and support poor ones. Unfortunately we cannot change or heal what we do not acknowledge. It is for this reason that finding and resolving hidden dependency needs in one self first, prior to engaging in a relationship, can have profound affects upon ones direction in life and the selection quality of a mate.  If you have not done so, do so.

Journaling

A simple beginning is to start a developmental journal/record of your past and personal history. Analyze your emotional needs and what drives them. What issues do you think will be fulfilled by any new relationship? Most likely they will be issues of personal development and self-identity, that you have not fulfilled or fully actualized. Learning to identify and addressing those will have profound ramifications for your personal development and quality of life, as it gets projected into the future, by the decisions and choices you make for yourself.

Seek help

Although one can do the introspection analysis, reading and research to help identify and resolve these personal developmental tasks, often it is vastly more efficient and effective to hire a professional trained specifically in the areas of social development, and while It’s expensive, it is not as expensive as the untracked costs of NOT doing so (see the carnage of deep interpersonal relationships that have failed). These professionals are trained, familiar and practiced at providing assistance, specifically in the developmental tasks you need the most. They are prepared to see what you might prefer to avoid and assist you at arriving at deeper and move meaningful insights about your relationships, yourself and your past in order for you to move ahead productively in a healthy and secure manner.

First step

By changing how you treat yourself, your past and your development you alter the most important element in the entire equation of developing and fostering healthy and productive relationships… YOU!   You must be the agent of change for yourself.  No one else can fix you.  You’re an adult now, which means taking care of your own needs and choosing a responsible path of action and being accountable to those choices. Your journey starts with you… begin there… The most important step of any journey is the first one. This is no different…

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Posted in Self Analysis | Tagged Co-dependency, Life developmental tasks, Psychological social development, Relationships, Self-analysis, Self-concept, Self-diagnostic, Self-identity, Serial Monogamy | Leave a reply

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