Managing Feedback, Coaching & Mentoring

Coaching-Mentoring

“A relationship is only as good as the partners in it”

 

Developmental stagnation and the cycle of failure

We have an expectation that people over time learn, develop, and grow. We formulate these thoughts and notions under the heights of our own explosive growth, as children and young adults and just assume that, that progression continues throughout life. By now, if we honestly reflect upon that notion, we know it not to be the case, that unless the individual is honestly applying themselves in the search of knowledge, seeking out new ways of thinking, acting or behaving they’re developmentally stunted, in the age in which they learned those particular skills or knowledge base. Quite often it’s decades old and from another period of their life. We also have a fond notion that people learn from their mistakes and while this ‘can’ be true, it too, normally isn’t. It’s just far too easy to accept failures, big and small, reframe, and cast blame, then to continue on having truly learned very little. It is why people who seek to succeed continue to train themselves, seek direct feedback, solicit coaching to find their blind spots and objectively guide their process, while forming mentorship to help put it all into perspective. If we’re interested in developing relationship skills, fostering management ability and establishing maintenance protocols, nowhere is this more readily available and pertinent than that of the relationship we’re in. In that regard, relationships are tremendously fertile grounds for testing one’s abilities, attributes and to learn, if we create and utilize a framework for doing so.

Nurturing a culture of development

It is important to recognize that your partner is you team and like any good team, developing trust and communication is a key element for group performance. It is incumbent upon us, as relationship leaders and managers, to establish open lines of communication within the relationship, foster and nurture the trust in the communication process, through proven experience and exercise in their utilization. Simply put, we must practice good communication and trust development prior to our having to need them in a time of crisis. Learning a new skill during a time of crisis is a horrible learning environment and piss poor planning and management. We can start this by recognizing and validating our partners in what they are already doing well and what we appreciate. We can also solicit from them the same. Not only does this foster incentive for the behavior, but also initiates a communication process regarding behavioral performance. Over time this process quickly becomes part of accepted relationship culture and develops a natural reservoir of good will, that then can progress to specific negative behavior performance remediation with less resistance. While we cannot directly control our partner’s orientation for overall receptivity and likelihood of acting on feedback, we can foster an environment of support for it, by establishing trust, respect, and interpersonal validation in early communication efforts with our partner, rewarding performances improvements and clearly communicating a strong link between value and outcome.

The (3) ranges of development management

In developing a frame-work for personal development it is important to recognize three major categories in which development takes place and need to be managed separately; much like goals they consist of a series of ranges from short, medium and long-range in nature. They are the following:

Feedback– short-range in nature, that provides explicit, factual information on performance with specific emphasis on technique and skill. These elements can be measured and appropriate goals set with associated follow-up. They are task specific.

Coaching– will require greater knowledge transfer with longer duration of involvement. It requires an establishment of a solid connection of trust and respect and communication rapport within the relationship and centers less on technique and more on process and direction of areas of developmental concern, which may not be entirely known or identified at that time.

Mentoring– is done throughout the lifespan of the relationship. It is primarily process focused, requiring strong levels of emotional ties, broad objective viewing, and developmental guidance and support for future role and relationship visioning.

Application

At any given time, in investing in our partner and our relationship, we may be called upon to utilize these management traits in concert, in series or alone. If our partner by example lacks a particular skill, it will be incumbent upon us to provide specific feedback regarding that, provide a frame-work of coaching in which that skill development can be exercised and visionary guidance in the form of mentoring.

We may become aware that our partner has a subconscious developmental issues from their past that are playing out within our current relationship and needs/desires assistance and support in discovering, analyzing and overcoming those issues.

We may also find that our partners look to us as examples, a source of strength and inspiration or simply a vision for how to live and be.

Now rather than later

It is important to develop a positive and proactive culture of giving and receiving feedback, mutual coaching and peer mentorship within a relationship, to not only continue personal growth, development, and health, but to preemptively stop conflict spirals, which have their root cause in poor feedback, an erosion of trust and respect and poor interpersonal behavioral performance. During a process of relationship conflict, which is bound to occur, it is not the time to come to terms with previous errors of judgment, revisit old sources of tension and renegotiate how to coordinate with your partner, which is often the case when we don’t. By then you’re well behind the power curve. It’s far better to start now.

 

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Socrates Anthology Released!

Socrates Anthology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anthony @ The 21Convention just released not only my 21Convention-Austin video presentation, but complied all the talks that I’ve given for the 21Convention into a packaged ‘Anthology’. I’m more than touched and truly when I started down the road of self-improvement and assisting like-minded men, I never had any of this in mind. I am deep impressed with the work that Anthony has done over the years and continues to foster a growing community of awareness. He’s truly a remarkable individual and I am grateful for his trust and friendship that he has continually shown me over the years.

Yes, you can watch the videos for free, but take it from me, the $6 spent to get all of them full-length and in HD (better to see the ‘big guy’) are really worth it. It is also a small token to help support the 21Convention and the cause of self-actualization and lifestyle design which is the backbone of the movement Anthony started with the 21Convention.

In all honesty I found myself taking notes on my own talk, both for context I wish to explore further in my own blog and future talks and shamelessly because a line or two has receded into deeper memory and the video sparked it fresh again, or it just could be my age.  In any case, if you enjoy the blog, I’m sure you’ll enjoy the videos.  If you have any questions regarding content with either the blog or any of the talks I’ve given you can talk to me via email and I’ll be sure to respond.

The Brand called YOU.

“There is only one thing worse than being blind, it is having no vision…”

Successful companies throughout the world understand the importance of brands, as do individuals who are interested in what it takes to stand out and prosper, not only in business, but on the personal front as well.

Make no mistake, in the SMP (Sexual Market Place) you are both a commodity and a service provider. As such, you have a brand; an identity/personality/personal narrative that becomes the perception that people will form about you, in relation to being with and around you and as importantly, what they can expect from you. It is your personal message to the world. It tells everyone so much about you, even before you meet or engage them that often decisions are made just upon an initial visual summary. In this regard, you will live or die by it, as a false perception of you will have the same distinction of a real one.

What is of concern here is not only identifying your brand, but specifically and properly communicating that brand, (is it clear and distinguishable?), and making sure that brand is congruent with whom you really are and whom you want to be ( is your strategy in alignment with your life goals?)… a lack of either will severely affect your results in the SMP.

Are you aware of what you are communicating through your appearance, behavior, demeanor, methods of communication and relationship behaviors and expectations?  Is your brand in line with and in alignment to where you want your life to go? If not, you need to take the time to work and develop those areas, as your results in the SMP will be a reflection of what marketers refer to as your brand experience, which is the sum of all points of contact your potential customers have with your brand.

In understanding or developing your brand, it will take several steps and analysis that include a personal attributes and values analysis, a review of current or projected brand positioning, your brand promise, an analysis of your brand presentation, the brand’s message persistence and a measure of market perception analysis to determine where your brand stands. Once determined and refined (the act of branding) you then are in a position to better market that brand towards a specific target audience, the types of women and relationships you want to be with and in. Not having and acting on a real understanding of that, you are subject to the nature of serendipity, as your sexual marketing strategy and that just isn’t smart. Nor is it typically effective.

You brand for better effect is your story and your vision for your life. To be most effective your brand shouldn’t just be a list of attributes that are communicated in short narration such as displays of higher value, but should be integrated and woven into an overall combined story that builds a powerful connection between ideas, people and actions taken. They should give context and robust understanding to the information that you provide. It needs to be a story that is succinct, powerful and captivating. It also needs to be relevant to your target audience, places you in position of worth and inspires your audience to act upon your value.

To accomplish these goals your personal branding story needs to achieve several areas of impact beyond your personal physical attributes, social skills and personal aura (displays of personality);

Project into the future

It is not enough to discuss your personal history and experiences, but rather they should be the basis and foundation of why they are going to propel you to a specific future. It should emphasize where you are going and why you are going to be successfully in getting there.

Convey relevance

Your story isn’t really about you. It’s about how being in a relationship with you, in combining your lives together are going to benefit each other. It answers your customer’s wants and needs clearly.

Confirms your credibility

Your story walks people through a learning curve of critical pieces of information that will assist them developing and confirming your credibility for answering their wants and needs in a succinct manner. Where you have specific experience in meeting the needs, wants and desires of your audience member. Where those experiences failed, what was learned and gained from them.

Creates an emotional connection

It is not enough to just list the facts, but to forge a strong emotional bond though vulnerability, candor and shared experiences, where the audience gains a heightened emotional intimacy and understanding of your story and ultimately you.

 Differentiates

Your story needs to explain exactly why you are the best choice out there, such as a measure of quality, refinement, discernment, ability, performance etc… it is any specific element that attaches value to the proposition that you are offering, that is sensitive and important to the buyer.

Promotes action

Your story needs to motivate the audience to act… to provide the reasoning why your audience should buy your brand. Often this means not just meeting a particular need, want or desire, but also removing hidden or latent fears that are accompanying and associated with the root need, want or desire that tend to block or stymie action.

Personal branding is vastly more than just ‘knowing yourself’, it is recognizing that your audience is always watching, that it matters not only what you say, but what you do as well… it is a comprehensive environment in which you are actively striking chords with people to stir their emotions and awareness of who you are, so that their imaginations are stoked and fine tuned, as to what life with you would be like, what you have to offer and are compelled to act in that regard…

Relationship Autopsy: A post-mortem examination of your failed relationships

“When you ask of the dead, they often reply in hushed tones and whispers… it is their legacy to you… but you must be prepared to ask…. and be unafraid to listen for the reply…”

(Paraphrased from a Gypsy woman, in Germany, who first read my palm at the age of 13)

“The unexamined life is not worth living”-Socrates (the Original).

Bust of Socrates

The Inner Awakening

Exploring our psychological makeup is often utilized for the spiritual development within ourselves, as it leads to an awakening of the consciousness about us, our natures and our possibilities. One cannot understand what is left unexamined. Most people only have a superficial observation of their own lives, they only understand the tip of the iceberg, but remain ignorant to the vast extent of the psychological subliminal forces that are actually directing and influencing control of their conscious self, below the surface of awareness. It is these explorations; I feel that lead to true self-confidence and self-awareness.

The Common Denominator

The only common denominator in all of your relationships is you… taking the time to understand what drives your behavior, needs, wants and desires for the relationship, and within them, can, and frequently does, result in finding dependency needs that are lurking within your psyche and sense of personal identity and personal narrative. These traits, more than likely, have been the underlying fault in any of the relationships you have been in, including the last one… By examining your past relationships you are in effect utilizing them as a psychological mirror to yourself. To be able to look beyond the immediate of your self-projected identity and more deeply into the identity of the person who is really driving the decisions you make, for yourself and your life. This is an immense tool to discovering and resolving these often deeply seeded issues.

Slow Deaths

Relationships usually die slow deaths… a series of broached boundaries, violated expectations, broken promises and poor behavior that lead up to a building resentment within the parties. Normally there is vastly more to it than the ‘initiator’ was ‘unhappy’ or a specific deal killing issue or betrayal.

The Autopsy (the Asking)

By performing the relationship autopsy you are looking for the underlying choices, behaviors and actions that lead to the demise of that relationship. Once identified the next task, in each case, is to determine what was driving those choices, behaviors and actions… how they came to be and how are they manifesting themselves now. By addressing the underlying drivers, you will resolve the plethora of symptoms that they ultimately manifest. Seek to address the causes, not the symptoms of the choices, behaviors and actions that lead to self-defeating patterns of behavior within yourself and your relationships.

Taking Stock (The Listening)

The value of taking stock when a relationship ends is that it teaches you a lot about who you are and what developmental tasks (what you’re trying to learn, develop and grow from) has been. If you pause to evaluate your old relationships you can see what your next developmental tasks will likely to be and can then choose a partner who is more appropriate partner for you, both in terms of your emotional preferences in life and values and your growing edge of personal development of being. These types of choices almost without a fault lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships than those selected and based only upon attraction alone.