Relationship Autopsy: A post-mortem examination of your failed relationships

“When you ask of the dead, they often reply in hushed tones and whispers… it is their legacy to you… but you must be prepared to ask…. and be unafraid to listen for the reply…”

(Paraphrased from a Gypsy woman, in Germany, who first read my palm at the age of 13)

“The unexamined life is not worth living”-Socrates (the Original).

Bust of Socrates

The Inner Awakening

Exploring our psychological makeup is often utilized for the spiritual development within ourselves, as it leads to an awakening of the consciousness about us, our natures and our possibilities. One cannot understand what is left unexamined. Most people only have a superficial observation of their own lives, they only understand the tip of the iceberg, but remain ignorant to the vast extent of the psychological subliminal forces that are actually directing and influencing control of their conscious self, below the surface of awareness. It is these explorations; I feel that lead to true self-confidence and self-awareness.

The Common Denominator

The only common denominator in all of your relationships is you… taking the time to understand what drives your behavior, needs, wants and desires for the relationship, and within them, can, and frequently does, result in finding dependency needs that are lurking within your psyche and sense of personal identity and personal narrative. These traits, more than likely, have been the underlying fault in any of the relationships you have been in, including the last one… By examining your past relationships you are in effect utilizing them as a psychological mirror to yourself. To be able to look beyond the immediate of your self-projected identity and more deeply into the identity of the person who is really driving the decisions you make, for yourself and your life. This is an immense tool to discovering and resolving these often deeply seeded issues.

Slow Deaths

Relationships usually die slow deaths… a series of broached boundaries, violated expectations, broken promises and poor behavior that lead up to a building resentment within the parties. Normally there is vastly more to it than the ‘initiator’ was ‘unhappy’ or a specific deal killing issue or betrayal.

The Autopsy (the Asking)

By performing the relationship autopsy you are looking for the underlying choices, behaviors and actions that lead to the demise of that relationship. Once identified the next task, in each case, is to determine what was driving those choices, behaviors and actions… how they came to be and how are they manifesting themselves now. By addressing the underlying drivers, you will resolve the plethora of symptoms that they ultimately manifest. Seek to address the causes, not the symptoms of the choices, behaviors and actions that lead to self-defeating patterns of behavior within yourself and your relationships.

Taking Stock (The Listening)

The value of taking stock when a relationship ends is that it teaches you a lot about who you are and what developmental tasks (what you’re trying to learn, develop and grow from) has been. If you pause to evaluate your old relationships you can see what your next developmental tasks will likely to be and can then choose a partner who is more appropriate partner for you, both in terms of your emotional preferences in life and values and your growing edge of personal development of being. These types of choices almost without a fault lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships than those selected and based only upon attraction alone.