RELATIONSHIP MAINTENANCE-STABILITY

Relationship Stability

“A stable ship can sail unstable seas…”

The Stability and Longevity Relationship

Longevity has always been synonymous with equaling success and a direct ramification of longevity is stability. If we want our relationships to last, they need a strong stable base from which to spring from. That means planning and constructing an environment meant for stability and thus longevity by design. As men, it is our gender expectation to take the leadership role with guiding, managing and fostering the relationships we desire and enter into. A critical component to this is initiating the cultural baseline within the relationship that influences those elements that contribute to a stable and healthy relationship to begin with and to make sure it stays that way (the maintenance part). In each case, we can discern a series of interaction patterns within both healthy and successful relationships, as well as un-healthy and failing relationships, where a mindfulness or lack thereof plays a critical role in determining the stability of those relationships. If you are not working toward relationship stability, you’re not working toward relationship longevity, plain and simple.

The Power of Positivity

It should come as no surprise, except for the severely dysfunctional, that thriving couples (happy and healthy) accentuate the positive in life more so than those that live in languishing relationships (unhealthy and co-dependent). We have seen before that emotions act as powerful contagions and we should be wary of accepting poor attitudes, dark emotions and negative outlooks, which are highly contagious and insulate ourselves by behavior and action from this outcome prior to it becoming a rapid adverse selection spiral from which we cannot escape. Doing so is a form of emotional boundary setting. While we can come to experience such feelings, we should not dwell there, nor permit those feelings and emotions to take root with ourselves or with our partners. Likewise we need to be vigilant and guard against negative messaging behavior, such as incessant criticism, sarcasm, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (avoidance behavior) that is the antithesis of stability, which creates fertile ground for negative attributions , distancing behavior, re-casting relationship narratives and incentivizing solutions outside of the relationship to fulfill our needs and desires (such as extra-relational fucking around). In this regard, it will take a particular man to be able to face not only the demons in his life, those of his partner, but also to face and turn away the negative beliefs, attitudes, outlooks and behaviors his partner is exhibiting or fostering, without alienating her in the process (diplomacy anyone?). In this regard it pays handsomely to have a strong masculine frame within the relationship that is able to sort out emotional trivialities, to define and interpret what is important, by taking issues into perspective, by accepting accountability for one’s emotional state, and being emotionally secure in the face of adversity… we need to be emotionally supportive of our partners, but not emotionally immersed where negativity is at root and command, least we become consumed by it and our relationship drowned by it.

Value of Openness

Couples who stay together tend to exhibit high levels of operational maintenance in making sure that the relationship is open for both parties to express their wants, needs, objections and concerns freely and have worked in advance to make sure this is the relationship climate and experience. There’s always a certain amount of inertia that must initially be overcome to start difficult communication let alone begin a conversation after a history of pent-up frustrations, fears and anxiety that have already been established, let alone in conditions where real damage has previously been sustained and our partners are nurturing grievances. In all cases we lead by example and as such we need to be open and receptive to receiving feedback and actively soliciting it from our partners, prior to our expecting them to do so. We need to have already shown and exhibited a forum and willingness to talk about issues of the day, the operations of our relationships and personal frictions long prior to when we actually have an issue to overcome. In doing so, we need to express and exemplify cooperative and optimistic behavior in our approach and dealings with problems as they arise… note the term ‘as they arise’, avoiding communicating frictions and troubling issues doesn’t just save them for another day, it is a form of management neglect that is far from benign, but quite cancerous. It formulates a situation where the issue will not be addressed until it reaches the conflict or crisis point, at which damage is already being done to the relationship. This is where having weekly one on one meetings directly with your partner to gauge their temperature, reading of their emotional state, what their emotional reserve is and the overall state of their morale, provides a natural and reoccurring opening for just such dialog between the two of you. We should be aware of what internal and external factors are driving the emotional status of the relationship and to make relational tune-ups as necessary to mitigate unnecessary wear and tear on each other and the relationship.

Importance of Reassurance and Providing Emotional Sanctuary

Anxiety is typically associated with turmoil and concerns governing future projections of fear, stress, worrying and often accompanied by an overreaction and sensitivity to a given situation. If your partner is in doubt about the nature and your future together, fully expect a high degree and measure of relationship anxiety and behavior as a consequence… By clearly communicating our intentions, our thoughts, beliefs and feelings about our partner and relationship we can clear the anxiety laden air of doubt and insecurity. Saying “you are my team”, “You are my girl”, “I am in this with you”, “I’m in”, “you are my safe place” are all very clear indicators to soliciting trust, reducing distrust and an investment of hope within your relationship, while providing a measure of emotional security that asserts that she is an essential asset and part of your life and future she has a place with you. Likewise we need to provide accurate, timely and specific recognition of those elements in which our partner is contributing to the relationship. This form of recognition, validation and acceptance is commonly seen in the form of a sincere and genuine compliment and praise, which has the effect of helping to raise your partner’s self-esteem and promote more of the same. People naturally want to know that their presence, contributions and efforts are appreciated and valued. Denying that is both foolish and ill-advised. Displaying and expressing that thankfulness, not as a reward, but as a form of showing gratitude and appreciation, is the primary means for creating a positive relationship internally. As the leader of the relationship, it is your responsibility to formulate the relationship culture of appreciation, acceptance and love… by looking for and accentuating those healthy traits we are promoting them in our partner, in our relationship and ultimately within ourselves.

 

Socrates Anthology Released!

Socrates Anthology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anthony @ The 21Convention just released not only my 21Convention-Austin video presentation, but complied all the talks that I’ve given for the 21Convention into a packaged ‘Anthology’. I’m more than touched and truly when I started down the road of self-improvement and assisting like-minded men, I never had any of this in mind. I am deep impressed with the work that Anthony has done over the years and continues to foster a growing community of awareness. He’s truly a remarkable individual and I am grateful for his trust and friendship that he has continually shown me over the years.

Yes, you can watch the videos for free, but take it from me, the $6 spent to get all of them full-length and in HD (better to see the ‘big guy’) are really worth it. It is also a small token to help support the 21Convention and the cause of self-actualization and lifestyle design which is the backbone of the movement Anthony started with the 21Convention.

In all honesty I found myself taking notes on my own talk, both for context I wish to explore further in my own blog and future talks and shamelessly because a line or two has receded into deeper memory and the video sparked it fresh again, or it just could be my age.  In any case, if you enjoy the blog, I’m sure you’ll enjoy the videos.  If you have any questions regarding content with either the blog or any of the talks I’ve given you can talk to me via email and I’ll be sure to respond.

Managing Commitment-Gate Keeping

“Women get the men they sleep with, men get the women and relationships they commit to.”

 

Instinctual Monogamy…

Monogamy isn’t instinctual. Sorry it just isn’t. If it was, both men and women would have the same base biological sexual desire drivers and monogamy would be a simple and only accepted fact of life for coupling. It isn’t, and men and women furthermore, simply don’t have the same mating instincts as the other.

 

 

 

Maslow’s observation of love…

To compound this, as indicated in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, our limbic system, at it’s very basic, is simply geared towards a differing reality, one of the survival of our species, where love, affection and life-long commitment doesn’t play a role, but one of biodiversity through diversification of our genetic material, by both sexes, clearly does.

 

 

 

Big Brains…

The silver lining here is that our brains have evolved greatly over time and while it is recognized that this brain development has greatly aided our ability to expand our thinking and to adapt to and overcome changing environmental conditions, one of the most significant and still relevant to us today, are the social changes that evolved with those biological changes, that I believe, were at the core of our evolutionary success and survival; the family unit. I have no doubt that the graphic curves for brain development over time, matches resources, energy and education investments in child rearing and development over time as well.

 

 

 

Venus of Willendorf

As social structures go, gender partnering for child rearing was a significant improvement over previous patterns of behavior and lead to the first social specialization, one based on gender.

 

 

 

Of which several more social structures and social evolutions were to come and go, the last, which we are currently experiencing, is the rapid feminization of our society, (following the post-industrial revolution), which is also the first time in human history we’re seeing dual sex specialization, or specifically in large part, feminine parity across our social structure.

Tradition of monogamy…

While traditional monogamy may be a cultural and societal ideal, and for good reason, it goes against one of the deepest evolutionary inclinations that biology has given men- to biodiversify. While historically this was always an issue, cultures and societies have provided institutions and stop-gaps to promote, maintain and sustain this family structure, moral codes, social standings and marriage. This is increasingly not the case in our society, nor the hallmark of our age today. As our culture, politics and laws promote massive changes to family structure and family law, which remove much of the incentives, safe-guards and benefits for entering into these structured relationships, they are furthermore are incredibly disproportional in their gender biasness favoring women to defy belief; open and widespread of divorce culture, ‘No-fault’ divorce, asset division, alimony and child custody laws, the acceptance and promotion of single motherhood, and open and accepted suspension of accountability for women, which is giving rise to ‘new age spinsterhood’. The damage enacted upon individuals, relationships and families are truly staggering. It is getting to the point that reasonable men are justifiably questioning not only the governing political institutions and laws, but their very involvement with women (see any men’s rights organization or ‘Men Going Their Own Way’ organizations to get a very real sense of this growing disenfranchisement among men in society). Other men are responding directly to this shifting cultural change and giving women the types of men and relationship structures they’re actually choosing (being free to do so), which has given rise to douchebags, deadbeats and players throughout society, which is increasingly awash in their bastard offspring.

Commitment…

As men we’re being asked, and demanded to relinquish our natural sexual and biological evolutionary instincts to commit to a single individual, at the same time women are increasingly free to and enticed to act upon their hypergamy, their natural sexual and biological evolutionary instincts, even within a committed relationship. If we are to do so, we need to take incredible precautions in finding, filtering, screening and selection of a partner, as well as respond to this environmental social context by developing ourselves and working with our partners to foster, develop and maintain the social skills needed to be successful within it. This means being incredibly discriminating about who we let into our lives, absolutely controlling of our DNA, to prepare, protect and to promote the types of relationship we truly want, need and desire and to actively work with our partners to recognize and manage hypergamy.

The price of freedom…

Our relationships are a consequence of who we are as men, what we expect for and of ourselves and for our lives. Managing commitment is an absolute essential first step to accomplishing that task and objective. We must be aware and vigilant of the high cost of cheap thinking and unintended consequences that comes with cheap sex and easily given commitments.