Tag Archives: Sexual Market Place

The Honest Liars Podcast #85

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Honest Liars Podcast

Recently I had a fantastic opportunity to be interviewed by the boys at The Honest Liars regarding a wide range of subjects concerning relationships, living consciously, feminism, living virtuously and fatherhood. Most importantly I was able to spend quality time with individuals dedicated to living and improving their lives with incredibly conscious efforts.  They’re doing some really great work and are well worth the read and listen.  I could try to paraphrase what they do, but I think they do a fine job explaining it themselves: 

We believe that most people are perfectly capable of having fulfilling, honest, and open relationships. The problem is that so few of us have ever had true honest modeled for us, making it difficult to find authentic connections later in life. 

In order to attain these relationships, you MUST work to become the most authentic version of you, which means getting vulnerable not only with others, but also (and more importantly) with yourself.

Don’t know where to start? You’re not alone. People all over the world are starting this journey, just like you. They are waking up to the fact that their relationships are lacking, that something’s just not quite right with their world…

 

The Honest Liars

The Honest Liars Podcast #85 Socrates Interview

 

Pardon the interruption….

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helen_smith_men_on_strike_cover

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The political, cultural and economic reasons why men don’t want to marry…

I’m taking a quick break in protocol in providing a link to the following video due to the fact that it is culturally time sensitive and is remarkable in clearly addressing the current cultural dating environment that men are seeing and addressing.

“Men on Strike!”

The point of this blog is to give rise and response to those men who are determined to embrace their nature/biology and take the tremendous risks associated with committed relationships and to provide some guidance to meet those.

I am fortunate to have a number of supreme examples of loving, committed and healthy long-term relationships as a basis for review. They in many ways are my rock in this swirling current of cultural misandry. But just because there are several great examples out there, the true risks are incredible and likely. Men are not treated as equal during and after divorce and the consequences are just too great. The shamming language that comes with telling men in light of these realities to “Man up!” is deplorable, but if we are to change this situation or incentives, we must first understand the reality and then openly address it, individually and then as a society.

In the mean time, I and many men like me are taking note, that it’s never been better to be a single. Single women, who want a man and a family, would be well advised to understand the nature of today’s culture and proffer an adequate response to it, in meeting men half way.

helen_smith_men_on_strike_cover

Providing Validation

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Providing validation image

Love is validated in the memories of the past…

 

“I see, I hear, I get”

Emotions heal and anger is soothed when they are heard and validated. So too are the people and the relationship they’re in. Validating is about “not only do I hear what you’re saying, but I get it, I get you.” You are in essence saying to your partner “I see you, I hear you and you and our relationship together have meaning to me.”

Beware the extremes

Communication is an emotional event, especially when emotional needs or personal boundaries are at stake. It is at these times that relationships can come to an inflection point in value and how they are perceived by our partners. While at these points are polar extremes, validating our partner on a regular and continuous basis is at the heart of any intimate relationship.

Even when we disagree

Even when we disagree, validation provides a way for us to communicate the common ground between us. Providing emotional validation shows the speaker that we’re not only accept them, but they are safe and secure in expressing themselves and their thoughts and ideas free of ridicule or disdain.

It’s about leadership

As a man we’re culturally taught not only to provide but to also protect, typically from an external threat, but what happens when the threat and injuries are internal, that originates from within the relationship and by us? When our actions indicate blaming, judging, denying and minimizing our partner’s emotions, we are invalidating not only their emotions, but them as well. These actions leave psychic and emotional wounds which leave our partners feeling rejected, ignored or judged. What does it say about a man’s leadership ability when he makes his partner feel this way on a continuous basis? Should he be surprised when she seeks out comfort, security and acceptance from another man in the casual sex quadrant of life? Do you really think it will stay casual for long? Are we not aware of hypergamy by now?

Relationship cancer

Invalidation disrupts relationships, creates emotional distance and alienation with our partners. It is a drain on the emotional bank account we have established, and one that typically fuels a relationship’s demise. Combine invalidation with a negative feedback loop and the relationship is in a certain death spiral.

‘Knowledge-Doing’ gap

While this knowledge is mostly likely very common, what isn’t is acting on the actual behavior traits of validating our partners on a continual basis. It’s what’s known as the ‘Knowledge-Doing’ gap. We may know something, but there is a big gap in habitual behaviors which are destructive to our relationships.

When listening is an investment

Most people stop listening when they think they already know what the other person is going to say. Other times they stop listening when they’ve gotten the information they wanted, but that’s not why your partner is talking to you… Active listening is when you’re able to accurately repeat in your own words what it is that your partner is conveying or trying to. If you’re not sure, you ask clarifying questions to seek their intent. Validating goes beyond active listening and combines developing empathy and emotional support skills in recognizing that your time, energy and focus attention sends the very real message that your partner is important to you, and what they are saying is important to you, as a consequence. When you listen to build and reinforce a relationship, you’re investing in the relationship and your partner. That’s the validation we’re talking about.

Striking a balance

However there’s a balance to be struck between empowerment the ability to change your state of being, including your feelings and behavior and emotional validation. Men tend to focus on too much empowerment and women tend to stay in emotional validation too long, which inhibits progress in both cases. If you don’t validate sufficiently, your partner will resist your efforts at assistance. If you validate too much, your partner will begin to identify with their issue or symptom (victimhood mentality). Emotional validation without empowerment is ineffectual pity and empowerment without emotional validation leaves your partner feeling that you don’t get them.

 

21-Convention Interview Series: Socrates: A Documentary for Manning Up Smart

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Image 21 Convention Socrates Documentary

 

 

 

 

I’m pleased to announce that Anthony Johnson CEO, founder and visionary of the 21-Convention has just released the edited version of the 21-Convention Interview Series, that featured an interview we conducted for over four hours in early April. We were given a quick peek at pre-production release mid-May and many of us were highly anticipating the final edited release. I know I was! Well, wait no more!

Video link

This is really a very surreal moment in my life for me. I never anticipated anything like this, whether it was the experiences that I gained by actively trying to improve my life, the deep personal friendships that I gained, the camaraderie, the knowledge that I’ve helped people along the same path others helped me or even getting to the point where almost strangers (and now complete strangers) are seeking out your guidance, opinion or knowledge and experience within this world of dating, sex, relationships, personal development, life and life style management. I was honored and frightened at the prospects of being asked to initially speak at the 21-Convention. (click video image to watch to video)

 

Video Link

Having been the lead off speaker and attending the entire 21-Convention, meeting the attendees, sharing personal stories, fielding and asking questions, personal inquires, and the general batting around of a multitude of ideas, thoughts and concepts, I walked away realizing that I had a lot to say and a lot to give back to the men’s community.

I initially started by compiling my personal data bank of notes that I’ve taken over the course of several years and posting on more than one forum regarding inner game and relationship development. I quickly came to two conclusions; The first was that in many ways what I had to say was either not appropriate for those forums or I very much risked hijacking it. I needed my own place on the net dedicated to these thoughts, ideas and beliefs that was not going to compete with a hosted forum. The second is that the underlying wealth of collected information was so much that it wasn’t going to be easily collected, documented and edited. I simply wasn’t happy just blasting the information without a filtered awareness behind the notes and comments I collected or researched. This lead me to creating this blog. A site dedicated to the concept that committed relationships with women are healthy, natural and essential to our society and culture at large. This endeavor though should not be taken lightly or ignorantly. The results of doing so today are all around us and I personally find the consequences repugnant.

I have no illusions that I alone will be able to effect change, but I am consciously aware of the dramatic changes that have and do take place individually. I am surrounded by it. In my own life, in the lives of the men I choose to call friends and those that have sought out my and others help in assisting them along in their journey, though understanding and experiencing their life. I have made it my goal and mission to reach out and touch the lives of a thousand men, to make a difference in their lives, in their relationships and their family structure.

The 21-Convention has been an incredible initiator and incubator for establishing that concept for me, as it is also an amazing vehicle for delivering that message and content. And while I may be a speaker at these events, I am also very much an attendee and student myself, as I have and do take away so much from attending these conferences. If you are looking to find a direction in your life, to find inspiration, to achieve the idealized version of your self, as defined by you, this is the place for you.

 

 

Attend 21-Convention link

Conflict Management

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“See the forest through the trees”

Conflict within a relationship may be frustrating, but is it really worth the incredible effort required to tackle it? Ask yourself; what is the cost of conflict avoidance or incompetent conflict resolution skills? The cost of conflict incompetence is a poisoned relationship… poisoned by anger, fear, defensiveness, negativity, hurt and embarrassment, combined with misunderstanding and distrust, which will weaken individual morale and obviously strain the relationship. This poison just doesn’t remain stagnant. It festers into a boil that mars even the most beautiful of intimacies. Lastly, what does conflict avoidance say about a man, his leadership ability, and his relationship fitness?

Men as leaders can manage conflict and improve an emotionally hostile situation, by learning to replace destructive behaviors with constructive behaviors, while seeing past the immediate issue for the impact it has on the course of the relationship. Doing so men will see a difference in how a specific conflict plays out and how conflicts generally apply within their relationships overall.

Determining the context

One of the utmost decisions you will have regarding a conflict is determining the time and place of it. Even if the conflict is thrust upon you, as a man, it is your role to determine the appropriateness and timing of it. If the context isn’t appropriate, or the emotions are getting out of control, it is essential to delay, postpone or defuse the mounting tension before carrying on. This can be as simple as calling a momentary time-out, defusing the tension by bringing the bigger picture into scope and highlighting shared emotional consideration and re-affirming emotional security by doing so, or postponing the conflict discussion until a later defined date. With regards to postponing the conflict, be sure to set a specific time frame and context in which you will discuss the conflict issue. This isn’t a dismissal, but a genuine acknowledgement that an issue needs to be addressed, but now, is not the time and place to discuss it. This is very much a form of boundary setting and needs to be treated and viewed as such. A partner unwilling to do so, is being disrespectful of you and the relationship. It is equally important for you to be seen following through on your promise to re-engage at the previously agreed upon time. Do not wait for the time to arrive and have your partner initiate the discussion. Be a man about it. Control the timing, context and the initiation of the conflict discussion, as promised. Realize that this is a form providing emotional security, for both of you, as well as the relationship.

Setting the tone

As a man and a leader you will be tasked with setting the tone of the conflict, through leading by example. Emotionally deterred leaders are poor ones. Letting emotions run-away is a sure sign of a failed leadership and a general fitness test in a man. This doesn’t mean you can’t respond emotionally when and where appropriate and justifiable, but getting pulled ‘off-sides’ with regards to emotional escalation with your partners behavior or emotions isn’t acceptable. You simply lose credibility as a man and as a competent leader while tarnishing your established image. At these moments, what are you emotionally telling your partner? What is her emotional take-away from the situation? It’s one thing to develop your brand when selling to the client, it’s another when dealing with an issue on the back-end in customer service. It’s not enough just to choose your words wisely, but you need to establish and control the tone of the conflict as well.

Taking perspective

As with any conflict there tends to be a critical mass of emotions surrounding a perceived failed expectation, and the issue at hand may only be a symptom of it, not the underlying cause or motivator for the conflict. For this reason, it is incredibly important to try to understand the other person’s point of view and more importantly where they are coming from emotionally. Focus on their words and behaviors, not your assumptions. Asking yourself, or more importantly, asking them, “why do you think that?”, can open the doors to a greater understanding of what the real issue is to them. Learning to actively listen to the other person with the intent of understanding rather than debating. It is important that your partner be fully heard, don’t interrupt, let them finish what they are saying, then summarize their points of view regarding the conflict BEFORE presenting your ideas and opinions.

Discussing emotions

There is a remarkable difference between ‘discussing emotions’ and ‘expressing emotions’. While emotions will surely be at the core of a conflict, letting emotions get away from one another and getting caught up in the moment emotionally will be severely detrimental. It is immensely better to discuss emotions in a forthright, appropriate manner, rather than have pent-up emotions expressed uncontrollably. To properly address emotions, make sure that the emotions being expressed is helpful, is specific and reflects your point of view, such as using the phrase “I feel”, “I am frustrated because” etc.. Refrain from using words or terms that project blame, condescension or judgment.

Creating solutions

Today’s man is expected to showcase leadership skills that have vastly heightened sense of emotional intelligence with regard to collaboration skills, consensus achievement, team building and forging strong personal connections throughout the conflict process, especially in this Sexual Market Place. It is for these reasons, it is best to jointly review the underpinnings of the conflict and together propose and chart changes of patterns of communication, held expectations, defining emotional promises and agreed upon behaviors associated with resolving the conflict. Woe be it to any man who relies on the age-old patriarchy leadership skill of alpha dominance to ‘resolve’ a dispute. The likely outcome will be an emotional insurgency by your partner that will ultimately be resolved when she act upon her natural hypergamy to fortify her failing sense of self-worth, self-esteem and self-respect, by spreading herself for an emotionally intelligent alpha cock who ‘gets her’. …and yes, he will, no doubt repeatedly, as sex with women tends to follow those that hold their emotions.