Managing Unspoken Expectations

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Titanic Model

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(A man surveying the results of an iceberg named ‘hypergamy’)

“Expectations that go unspoken do not infer consent.”

 Icebergs of Navigational Routes

Unspoken expectations, conditions, rules and obligations are like icebergs to the navigational routes of our relationships with others. They lurk in the byways rarely seen or noticed, and if so typically at a distance to become a natural part of one’s emotional landscape and an element forming your context for being. We sail past, around and quite often through these emotional berg flows with little consequences to us or our relationships until that frightful day when we strike one. And like icebergs themselves, what is visible to the eye is only a portent to the massive formulations that lies below the surface.

Obligated Servitude

We all have and created expectations for ourselves, our relationships and have projected those onto our partners. We have the natural tendency to expect the significant people in our lives to behave in a manner envisioned and internalized, to include operating in synchronicity with us, with little thought, planning or management, yet we cannot in all honesty and with integrity expect our partners to read our minds, pick up on every nuance of reflective or reactive body language, to read between the lines of what we say or do, or to fully understand and comprehend us, if we do not trust and respect them enough, to share and discuss what ails us or what we expect of them. Failing to do so is unfair, unhealthy and unwarranted and is a lazy, self-absorbed form of passive-aggressiveness behavior, that delegates the responsibility and accountability that is our own to others, without the courtesy or respect of open acknowledgement of those facts. It is a clandestine form of negotiation that sets our partners up for failure, obligation and servitude. These clandestine obligations create an incredible burden of pressure to recognize, understand and anticipate, that leaves even the most astute and capable partner drained, frustrated and ultimately overwhelmed. Ultimately it is a sign that we don’t respect ourselves enough to be willing to openly present, discuss and negotiate with our partners, what we feel, what we believe and what we expect. Sadly any relationship not built on respect, care and understanding is one poorly built and crafted, especially the one we create with ourselves, as that relationship is the one that gets projected to the world and our partners.

Crossed Boundaries

When someone does something that is in deep contrast to the standards, boundaries and beliefs, regarding behavior and consideration, we often feel deeply hurt, betrayed, angry and confused at this display of lack of consideration and care. It is natural and common to withdraw emotionally from the relationship and perceptions of a relationship change when there is a contrast between the ideal and reality. Furthermore resentment builds, as a result of any unspoken breaches of values that goes unaddressed. We naturally resent the transgression and now ourselves for not demonstrating the fortitude to embrace our own truth, with our partner, in an honest and open way and is then compounded with each additional occurrence or remembrance. This is a progression of emotional responses that sets off a chain of reaction, much like a domino cascade that spreads and leads towards the end of the relationship, such as a brush fire leads to devastating forest fires. Instead we should stop keeping the emotional peace of silence and honor ourselves by speaking up and speaking out.

Unrealistic Expectations

When we hold unrealistic expectations of and for our partners, we are in essence not seeing them for who they truly are or the reality of what we are asking of them and needing. It is a form of invalidation when we reject our partners, their efforts and investment in us and our relationships when we hold expectations that they cannot achieve. The greater the degree of disparity between what is expected and what is achieved is just the initial basis of frustration, which is sure to snowball to a larger magnitude of consequence. When unrealistic expectations are systemic and form an institutional element within a relationship, it is a sure sign that the partners are an inappropriate fit for each other, but instead of honestly looking at the true cause of the issue and resolve the relationship appropriately , we cling to our failed choice of a partner and relationship, and seek to control and brutally dominate it into submission, rather than face reality and release our partners appropriately with care, consideration and respect. When we hold unrealistic expectations of our partners, fail to recognize and utilize appropriate methods to resolve the relationship, should we ever be surprised when our partners after so much invalidation, disrespect and inconsideration on our part, choose to resolve the relationship inappropriately instead?

Conflict as a Vehicle of Awareness

Not all unspoken assumptions, expectations, rules governing behavior that sabotage relationships are known. In fact, there tends to be three categories that they fall into; the first is the spoken and conscious, which tend to be boundaries which are culturally held, known and actively expressed to our partners. The second is what is unspoken but known consciously, some of these I’ve just written about. The third is something that is unspoken and consciously unknown to us. It resides within us, without our conscious awareness of it. We simply don’t see it until it is upon us. Even then, like icebergs in the dark, we may not even recognize the entire mass and reality of what is before us, as we respond to the violation or transgression, with unexpected hyper-sensitivity on our part. It is at these moments that we should recognize our own emotional reaction as a signal to stop, look and listen to the source of where these emotions are coming from. Looking into the source of these emotions via psychological self-analysis and relationship autopsy, is an incredible starting point for determining what the underlying issue and concern is. Frequently they don’t reside or originate with our partners or the perceived transgression, but from our own past and development. It is only after consciously acknowledgement, acceptance and be willingness to account for these emotions, that we then progress to sharing them with our partner, utilizing relationship skills of conflict management, in communicating emotional needs, having a critical conversation, and setting boundaries with them. In doing so, we take on the accountability and responsibility of securing our own happiness and creating the life we really want. It is a process that is worth the investment not only for our relationships and partners, but individually for ourselves.

Communication Management

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Relationship conversation

“The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

When lines of communications are not open or are not clear it is common for misunderstanding to become exaggerated and overly hostile, developing distrust, fear and anxiety within the relationship. There’s a certain amount of inertia that then must be overcome to start communication which was already difficult to begin with and issues are then addressed at the damage stage, rather than an informative or awareness stage. We simply don’t start to communicate until damage is actually done and resentment has built to the point where avoidance is no longer an option.

So too when we start to evade issues and topics from our partner, when we speak in half-truths or hold back in being honest, open and sincere, we start to drift into a soft form of dishonesty and are shutting down a channel of communication that is critical for the health and welfare of any relationship.

We need to have more than just an ‘open door’ policy with our partners. We need to have already shown and exhibited a forum and willingness to talk about issues of the day, as well as the operations of our relationships, prior to when we actually have a real issue, problem or challenge to overcome.

Nature of Management

Management is about doing systemized methods of time-tested and proven behaviors repetitively over time to get desired results and maintain relationships. Often they tend to be boring and mundane, until the time that they’re not, which is when they are most needed and become so valuable. Communication management is about insuring that interpersonal coordination and interaction with your partner is taking place to resolve issues, stresses, tensions or challenges that the relationship is currently facing, to make sure that the relationship is working effectively and efficiently.

You need to Lead

As a man, it will be up to you to initiate, lead and to manage this line of communication (amongst several others). While we can recognize and appreciate the fact of gender equity between the sexes and should thus come to expect women to be equal partners in managing the lines of communication, a simple fact of biology remains in opposition to this; Hypergamy… and when social conventions and biology clash, biology surely is to win out (nature always wins). Specifically a woman’s sexual attraction trigger of social dimorphism the behavioral traits associated with masculine behaviors of leadership, assertiveness and assuredness, will prevail over her social conventions and desire to be co-equal partners in managing the relationship. She will expect you to lead and will be naturally attracted to men who do. Do not lose out on establishing and maintaining this critical point of attraction within a relationship.

SHE IS YOUR TEAM!

It is critical of any manager to know and understand their team and staff. Make no bones about it, your partner is your team! Let me say it again; SHE IS YOUR TEAM. If she isn’t, if she isn’t someone you would go into business with, someone you trust to represent you, to speak for the relationship and to conduct the business of your relationship in public, you’ve chosen poorly, very poorly and need to reinvestigate your actions leading up to that decision. If she is, you need to acknowledge and validate that by treating her as though she is an essential asset and part of your life, by making time to hear and understand what is going on with her and her world as it relates to her and that she means more to us than being a life accessory in our lives.

Weekly Staff Meetings

One of the most important things a manager will do during the course of the week is to meet directly with their staff and team conducting the planning, organizing, managing, monitoring and decision-making that is required to run the operations of a business, as well as the personal interactions that makes your team feel connected and informed. As a business manager it is incredibly important to go beyond this and make a direct connection and develop a personal rapport with your team members individually. We have to go beyond the basic awareness of someone’s life, to really having a personal understanding and investment with our staff, before we can expect them to truly have one with us. As such there is an amazing difference between asking a co-worker about their weekend and asking them how specifically how ‘Johnny or Jane’ did in their specific after school activities, or whatever it is that is really important to them. We have to know and relate to what is important to them before they will relate with us. We lead by example.

Weekly One-on-Ones

Relationships are no different, except we get the methodologies backwards… we typically know to spend quality time with our partners, talking, sharing, listening and validating them, but rarely do we take a businesslike approach to the business management portion of our lives and the relationship by planning, organizing, managing, monitoring and making decision that needs to take place within the relationship to run smoothly. It is important that we do so and conduct both, separately. Do not mix one with the other, as it is too easy to mistake one emphasis for the other. Quality time is quality time. Business time is for business. Part of management is knowing when to share, bring up or discuss what, at what times and places. It is for these reasons that I believe it is important to set aside regular time each week to solely have a business relationship one-on-one with your relationship partner.

Reservoir of Goodwill

By holding and conducting regular one-on-ones with your partner you’ll develop a reservoir of goodwill, understanding and sound connection prior to needing it. When it’s needed is no time to start figuring out the dynamics of interpersonal communication nor to foster the good will required to sustain it. If you don’t, you are establishing a relationship culture to managing through crisis and conflict management… that’s poor management on your part and likely to be highly unsuccessful methodology, as most failed relationships will attest.

Present, Tested, Vested

Lines of communication must already be present, tested and vested… Those early established communication efforts are a proven commodity, building trust, respect and confidence in future communication needs and requirements, such as time when we need to give feedback or as importantly when our partners need to express a measure of it. Who would you rather talk to a serious issue about with; a partner you’ve never had a serious discussion with, or one who has been open and receptive to a variety of relationship type discussions over time with you?

Pattern of Behavior

Doing so establishes patterns of behavior… regular one-on-ones develop that pattern, provide that opportunity for communication, and can be relied upon to exist in the near future (because our partners can’t always rely on our powers of perception). Small issues can be discussed early, before they swell up into larger issues, due to neglect, ignorance and the age-old issue that problems tend to multiply if left unaddressed. By holding regular one-on-one our partners know there is an open forum for them to bring a topic up in the very near future, relieving the potential for built up tension, frustrations and anger that will ultimately result in a critical confrontation, one which will likely go very poorly if she doesn’t have the skills to hold a minor confrontation, let alone a critical one.

First Step

Opening lines of communications is also an amazing important first step in de-escalating conflict. Just by establishing communications many misunderstandings can be cleared up, understood, corrected and avoided. Trust and respect can be preserved, which should be the cornerstones of any healthy relationship.

Silent Treatment-Word of Warning

Along those lines couples should never give the other the ‘silent treatment’. This will only hinder and deteriorate the relationship by blatantly showing disrespect and invalidating your partner. In a healthy relationship, partners should be able to come together in good times, and bad… We may be angry, upset, & hurt, but our partner should be our emotional safe place to go to. If not, the relationship is in serious trouble and ill-health.

It Works…

While it may seem obtuse, overly simplistic and incredibly boring to make regular time to sit down to lead and discuss the business management of our romantic lives, it does provide the incredibly important frame-work and forum needed to accomplish our relationship goals, to help it move more smoothly and effectively through the rigors of life. Is she not, is the relationship not, are we not worth having a five-minute discussion to clear the air and to manage the life we want?

Managing Commitment-Gate Keeping

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“Women get the men they sleep with, men get the women and relationships they commit to.”

 

Instinctual Monogamy…

Monogamy isn’t instinctual. Sorry it just isn’t. If it was, both men and women would have the same base biological sexual desire drivers and monogamy would be a simple and only accepted fact of life for coupling. It isn’t, and men and women furthermore, simply don’t have the same mating instincts as the other.

 

 

 

Maslow’s observation of love…

To compound this, as indicated in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, our limbic system, at it’s very basic, is simply geared towards a differing reality, one of the survival of our species, where love, affection and life-long commitment doesn’t play a role, but one of biodiversity through diversification of our genetic material, by both sexes, clearly does.

 

 

 

Big Brains…

The silver lining here is that our brains have evolved greatly over time and while it is recognized that this brain development has greatly aided our ability to expand our thinking and to adapt to and overcome changing environmental conditions, one of the most significant and still relevant to us today, are the social changes that evolved with those biological changes, that I believe, were at the core of our evolutionary success and survival; the family unit. I have no doubt that the graphic curves for brain development over time, matches resources, energy and education investments in child rearing and development over time as well.

 

 

 

Venus of Willendorf

As social structures go, gender partnering for child rearing was a significant improvement over previous patterns of behavior and lead to the first social specialization, one based on gender.

 

 

 

Of which several more social structures and social evolutions were to come and go, the last, which we are currently experiencing, is the rapid feminization of our society, (following the post-industrial revolution), which is also the first time in human history we’re seeing dual sex specialization, or specifically in large part, feminine parity across our social structure.

Tradition of monogamy…

While traditional monogamy may be a cultural and societal ideal, and for good reason, it goes against one of the deepest evolutionary inclinations that biology has given men- to biodiversify. While historically this was always an issue, cultures and societies have provided institutions and stop-gaps to promote, maintain and sustain this family structure, moral codes, social standings and marriage. This is increasingly not the case in our society, nor the hallmark of our age today. As our culture, politics and laws promote massive changes to family structure and family law, which remove much of the incentives, safe-guards and benefits for entering into these structured relationships, they are furthermore are incredibly disproportional in their gender biasness favoring women to defy belief; open and widespread of divorce culture, ‘No-fault’ divorce, asset division, alimony and child custody laws, the acceptance and promotion of single motherhood, and open and accepted suspension of accountability for women, which is giving rise to ‘new age spinsterhood’. The damage enacted upon individuals, relationships and families are truly staggering. It is getting to the point that reasonable men are justifiably questioning not only the governing political institutions and laws, but their very involvement with women (see any men’s rights organization or ‘Men Going Their Own Way’ organizations to get a very real sense of this growing disenfranchisement among men in society). Other men are responding directly to this shifting cultural change and giving women the types of men and relationship structures they’re actually choosing (being free to do so), which has given rise to douchebags, deadbeats and players throughout society, which is increasingly awash in their bastard offspring.

Commitment…

As men we’re being asked, and demanded to relinquish our natural sexual and biological evolutionary instincts to commit to a single individual, at the same time women are increasingly free to and enticed to act upon their hypergamy, their natural sexual and biological evolutionary instincts, even within a committed relationship. If we are to do so, we need to take incredible precautions in finding, filtering, screening and selection of a partner, as well as respond to this environmental social context by developing ourselves and working with our partners to foster, develop and maintain the social skills needed to be successful within it. This means being incredibly discriminating about who we let into our lives, absolutely controlling of our DNA, to prepare, protect and to promote the types of relationship we truly want, need and desire and to actively work with our partners to recognize and manage hypergamy.

The price of freedom…

Our relationships are a consequence of who we are as men, what we expect for and of ourselves and for our lives. Managing commitment is an absolute essential first step to accomplishing that task and objective. We must be aware and vigilant of the high cost of cheap thinking and unintended consequences that comes with cheap sex and easily given commitments.

 

 

Managing Gender Expectations in Relationships

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Unattended Helm

“What we do not manage, we get manage by…”

The Information Age

Unlike the Industrial Age or to a lesser extent the Post Industrial Age, the Information Age has brought about and given rise to an increased demand for soft skills, the cluster of personality traits, social graces, methods of communication, and personal habits centering around enhanced relationships with other people, rather than just tasks and objective completion. While these demands are most acutely felt within the business/economic domain, they are spilling over and being absorb within the cultural and social domains as well. Simply put, highly socially skilled individuals tend to outperform, rise higher and go further within business organizations than those that are less skilled in those areas. Likewise, sole proprietors who are highly socially skilled make, have and maintain social/business relationships that ultimately make them more successful than those who are not.

Dual Gender Specialization

At the crux of the Information Age is social specialization, and in particular, dual gender specialization. Whereas the social shift involved in the Industrial Revolution was primarily a male dominated specialization shift, the social shift in the Information Age is hallmarked by the massive inclusion and rising parity of women in the work place environment and the rise of feminism within our business and social fabric. Feminism has forged some incredible benefits and opportunities for both men and women, as well as creating immense complexities socially that have yet to sort themselves out. Where they have not been resolved socially we feel a tremendous amount of friction. Nowhere is this more apparent than in today’s dating environment.

Responding to Hierarchy of Needs

Regardless of the fact that society is becoming increasingly feminine driven and in many ways women have surpassed the equality mark with regards to men, women are still not inclined to transition into gender equity with regards to dating and courtship accountability (gender equitable roles). While on the surface of it women seem to loathe to relinquish a courtship system in which the opposite gender (males) take all or at least commonly the majority of the risk of rejection, in initiating the courtship, unjustly shouldering the financial burden of the costs associated with such courtship and having to already achieved a measure of societal success, as displayed by ones’ place in society (commonly defined by one’s career/job), which is a connotation of the hypergamous status dimorphous marker of status, wealth, power and fame. The expectations transcend the initial dating rituals as well, as women typically still expect men to take the leadership role and be accountable for the health, direction and vitality of the relationship. Furthermore your failure to act upon your gender assigned role of leadership, will and quite openly will be judged as a fitness test to your worth and viability not only as a mate choice, but that of your maturity and worth as a man. What we’re witnessing here is a direct confrontation between rational cultural and social thought and biological drivers and demands. To argue against this we’re simply railing against a base biological drive and need here. No amount of rationalization, propagandization or wishful thinking will usurp the reality that women are naturally choosing biological base needs over social and cultural conventions, such as feminism, as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs dictates. Maslow’s Theory of Human Motivation speaks to this with a clearly defined order of ascension of psychological needs and when clustered, biological and psychological needs always trump social conventions of esteem and self-actualization. (take a moment to familiarize yourself with the hierarchy of needs chart). What all this is telling us, again and again and again, despite the rise and acceptance of feminism, women want us to be men, need us to be men and desire us to be men.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

 

Station Break:

Please pardon this interruption as we take a momentary station break to let this news set in… This moment brought to you by Eckhart Tolle:

“It seems that most people need to experience a great deal of suffering before they will relinquish resistance and accept reality.”

“It is incredibly painful to stand in opposite of what is…” (resisting reality)

“You can’t argue with what is. If you choose to try you will suffer.”

We now return to our regular scheduled program…

Managing Masculinity and Social Dominance

Repeated social studies have demonstrated and reaffirmed the common observation of the consistent erotic appeal of male dominance as sexual cues of attraction and desire for women, whether those are the hypergamous triggers of physical, social or status cues of dominance or ‘alpha’ traits. These base traits of desire do not diminish over time, nor are they usurped by elements making up relationship equity, such as the longevity of the relationship, emotional investment committed, resources committed such as time, energy or finances, nor the nostalgia of memories and times cherished and shared. It even usurps the common good of her offspring, the emotional wellbeing, development and security of her children. At a woman’s base biological need is a desire to be with an unapologetic masculine male- a Man. Social dominance plays such an important role in feminine attraction that manipulating this single variable socially has repeatedly shown and proven dramatic improvements in a man’s sexual market value- the degree to which he is sexually valued by women in the dating market environment.

Answer the phone…

Common sense, everyday observation and intuition regarding a man’s role in claiming his biological heritage of providing leadership, accountability and stewardship within a relationship has been backed up in virtually every scientific and social study conducted upon it and echoed by countless women when they say honestly that they “want to be treated like a lady.” That statement is an enticement, a call out for you, a longing wish for you, to be the man that fills and guides her life and her life with you. For you to simply be the man (the masculine role figure) in the relationship. Whether the analogies are being the pack leader, or Captain and First Officer or the great Silver Back male gorilla in the mist etc, etc, your gender expectation is to assume command of leadership responsibilities within that relationship and with her.

Screening & Filtering

If she fights you for this role, you shouldn’t put up with it or stand for it. Plain and simple. If she fight you for leadership control, she’s announcing her inability to appropriately partner. It’s unattractive, unfeminine and a proven detriment to the healthy wellbeing and happiness of any relationship, as proven by divorce statistics and relationship satisfaction studies, which clearly indicates an unease in the household when women wear the pants in the family. While fiscal issues a generation ago used to dominate the ‘cause’ for divorce, currently now unhinged from the requirement of ‘cause’ in ‘no-fault-divorce’, the most cited reason for instigating a dissolvement of a marriage is the wife’s unhappiness within it. Want to insulate yourself from the +50% marriage failure, with women doing +70% of the filing? Screen and filter your partner for a woman who recognizes the value of biologically driven sexual roles in a relationship and who actively supports and reaffirms those roles. Stunning concept I know… women who value, support and reaffirm ‘traditional’ values in relationships tend not to divorce.  If we want to entice and promote feminine behaviors (feminine arts) in our partners, we have to fill the leadership role first, or like any social creature, she will, and as pointed out, to everyone’s determent, if she becomes synonymous with that role.

Case of Feminist Economics

The sad reality is as our society becomes more and more feminized, and feminism becomes the defacto cultural monopoly governing our society, masculine men are becoming a scarce commodity… and more valuable because of it. Oddly that’s a plus to a man’s sexual market value, now and more so in the future. The alarm here isn’t that masculine men will create higher value and demand for relationships, but that by acting through their very nature (male), and having the leverage to do so, masculine men will chose polygamy lifestyle with younger, more attractive and fitter partners than women his age or peer group. While this has always been the case in the apex of male society, it is now becoming a staple and attainable for the common man. This is exactly what much of the men’s community and the pick-up community are promoting and celebrating. And with good cause. Furthermore women can embrace a feminist social standing, as long as their base psychological needs are fulfilled, not called into question or put into jeopardy, but once they are, and in particular within the realm of ‘safety’, their effeminate hipster/emo boyfriends and partners may become woefully inadequate, whether that threat is physical, financial, economical, or child rearing and family development side of security, her feminist leanings openly condition, support and promote partnership dissolution… often the masculine surrogate they ultimately turn to is a societal one– government. One they ultimately cannot divorce themselves from.

Ultimate Gender Expectation

Our gender schemas are deeply embedded within the cognitive and social frameworks regarding what defines masculine and feminine. While there is a multitude of socializing agents that work to formalize, instruct and guide these roles, what is apparent is the consequences of those socialized function have on our relationship structures and our relationships health and wellbeing when coupled with the very unchanging biological nature of our being. Ultimately it is an individual’s choice and obligation to take the helm of their life. To make the decision they choose fit to guide and direct it. To do so otherwise is to sail the seas of circumstances with an helm unmanned.